‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: ‘Down and Left Out in Beverly Hills’

The ladies who lunch in L.A. are back, and the good news is that I see no sign of the pricetag-dropping Dana. Instead, we get a new housewife, Yolanda, who is married to songwriter David Foster, is also the ex-wife of Lisa’s pal Mohammed, and (if you go by the promos) can throw down with the best of them. Not that we see any sign of that in this episode. No, we have to wait a bit for the women of Beverly Hills to sharpen their claws. Their manicurists are, like, totally booked in advance, people. Where did you think we were, Atlanta? Pfft!

Anyway, Lisa has a brand new home, which is light-filled, open-planned — and not across the street from stinky, cootie-infected Adrienne. I doubt Lisa moved to get away from Adrienne, but clearly, that’s considered a bonus. Lisa is furious that Adrienne accused her of selling stories to the tabloids during last season’s reunion show and she is holding a grudge like a recovering alcoholic clutching a donut and cigarette at an A.A. meeting. She’s so pissed, in fact, she’s not inviting Adrienne to her anniversary party for Villa Blanca. The horror! 

She informs Brandi of this fact shortly after Brandi stops by to give her and Ken housewarming gifts: a tequila gun for Ken and a rubber bed sheet for Lisa. This is so that they can have tequila fights. In bed. Because that’s exactly the kind of people Lisa and Ken are. I’m glad Brandi did buy the rubber sheet, so that all the tequila can slide elegantly onto the extremely expensive carpeting. I’m hoping Brandi has a maid. Or tile floors. Or sleeps in a kennel. 

In other news, Kyle’s hot husband Mauricio buys her a sports car. Excuse me while I very politely throw up. There’s so much product placement in this segment I keep expecting to hear an announcer tell me expected gas mileage and lease options. 

Then, we’re off to visit The Rejected One, Adrienne. We now know that since this was filmed she and Paul have become embroiled in a nasty divorce complete with restraining orders, so it’s sort of funny/sad when she purrs, “Life’s been great. Paul and I have been busy with our careers, my children are beautiful and healthy. I’m very lucky.” Yes, you and Paul have been busy with your careers… and secretly packing up your favorite watches, small appliances and kitchen knives to make sure the other doesn’t try to claim them in court or kill you in your sleep. You lucky gal, you!

Of course, Adrienne doesn’t yet realize that she is not invited to the party. Taylor, who is 10 pounds heavier than we last saw her and possibly twice as annoying, is the one to pass along that news. She wants Adrienne to help her pick out a dress for the party! I’m so fat, boo! Shut up, Taylor. The only part of you I can tell has definitely gained weight is your lips.

Before we can head off to the party, we get to meet Yolanda. She has a 17-year-old, a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old, and she loves her kids. “I’m crazy for my babies,” she says, not seeming to be crazy otherwise but I’m sure we’ll learn differently soon enough. Oh, and David has been writing her love letters for six years. Aww. See, she isn’t about money! Just love! That’s why she wants to be on a reality TV show, I’m sure. She wants to spread love and kindness and wisdom. Excuse me, I had to pause for a moment. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t type.

It turns out the Villa Blanca party isn’t the only game in town. Kim’s daughter Kim (so we can TOTALLY call her Lil’ Kim, because she IS), is going to prom. Kim, being either broke post-rehab or too shattered to enter a mall (and really, who isn’t?), turns to her sister Kathy for help. Kathy has dresses! In fact, she has them on little mannequins in her house. I am hoping Kathy Hilton has a clothing line or likes to invite sweatshop workers or “Project Runway” rejects over to sew things, because otherwise this is just too creepy. Still, Lil’ Kim finds a fluffy white dress that doesn’t look as good on her as everyone seems to think, and Kyle stops by to torture Kim. “So, your kid’s going to go to the prom with a 20-year-old? That’s CREEPY. Wow, hope you’re ready to be a grandma, Kim! You look old enough! Mwahahahahaha!” She doesn’t quite say that. Not… quite. Kim flinches and smiles in a way that says both torture victim and frightened homeless woman at the same time. 

And if prom wasn’t enough, Kyle decides it’s time for her little boo-boo Portia to have a birthday party. Instead of calling all the kids’ moms from her school, Kyle has Portia call Lisa and Kim’s answering machine and invite Kyle’s friends to her birthday party. Because there’s nothing a little girl loves more than inviting over her mom’s friends for cookies and highballs. Alas, when Kyle finally snatches the phone away from Portia to give Lisa all the info about the party, Brandi interrupts and invites herself along, too. Oops, Lisa took the call on speakerphone will visiting Brandi’s hovel. Okay, it’s not a hovel, but it looks pretty small, dark and depressing after seeing Lisa’s palatial “sized-down” estate. I almost expect Lisa to whip out a handkerchief and swab off anything she touches with Windex, but maybe the editors cut that part. 

Finally, it’s time for the party! And everyone’s so happy to see everyone else! Except Brandi doesn’t want to see Taylor or Kim, Kim doesn’t want to see Kyle, and Taylor doesn’t want to see Brandi. Oh, and Adrienne isn’t allowed to darken the doorstep. Isn’t it nice to see that high school never, ever ends? 

Lisa introduces Brandi to Yolanda. Brandi notes that she knows of Yolanda because of Mohammed, then says something stupid about knowing everyone in Beverly Hills and sleeping with everyone in Beverly Hills, ha ha, dumb joke, barely worthy of mention. Brandi is clearly nervous and babbling, but God knows, this is not the crowd you babble in front of, and her offhand comment Has Been Noted. Put that in your recipe box of housewife bitchiness, as we will be referring back. 

Kyle spots Kim and decides to bitch at her about not taking Portia’s call. Kim blinks and twitches and acts like a small robot that’s had water poured over its head. Kyle ignores the stroke symptoms and informs her sister and Taylor that Brandi will be at Portia’s party, not because she wanted to invite her, but because she invited herself. Kim says that hey, she may not go anyway, because what grown-ass woman with grown-ass kids goes to a damn kiddy birthday party? Actually, she points out that she’s planning to spend the weekend with her kids and they may not want to go. So there. Kyle is incensed. Who doesn’t want to go to a small child’s birthday party? Harumph! There would be more of an argument, but at that moment Kim sees Brandi, otherwise known as Kim Kryptonite, and scurries off like a sweaty, nervous kangaroo mouse or a teensy blonde Joe Pesci. 

Yolanda comes by to ask about astrological signs, and she and Kyle bond over the fact they share a birthday — January 11. I doubt they share a birth year, not that it matters. I’m sure they’d lie if you asked them anyway. It’s all very warm and fuzzy right up until Yolanda mentions the fact that Brandi said she slept with everyone in town. Kyle is SHOCKED! Taylor is SHOCKED! This is SHOCKING! The girls cackle as if they’d just dumped a bucket of pig blood on the prom queen. 

Lisa would probably be able to point out that Yolanda is building a Trump Tower out of a molehill, but she’s busy at the moment. Adrienne has sent a flower monster (there’s really no other word for it) to congratulate Lisa and Ken on their restaurant’s third anniversary. Lisa shrugs this off, but I kind of love it. Not only does Adrienne make it clear she knows she isn’t wanted, she tries to take the high road AND insult the crap out of Lisa by sending the biggest, ugliest flower arrangement I’ve seen outside of the Rose Bowl Parade. Seriously, it looks like someone killed a dragon, baked it, stuck some leftover bridal bouquets into it, then hired a bonsai master to hack it into a more uncomfortable position than its original death spasm.

Just in case there isn’t enough tension implied by the flower monster, we end on Kim and Kyle sitting next to one another, wallowing in tension. Kyle doesn’t know why there’s tension, and Kim doesn’t know why Kyle doesn’t get lost and leave her alone. Will their relationship ever heal? Will they ever forgive past hurts? Is Kim starting to look like Jennifer Jason Leigh on “Revenge”? These are the questions that will simply haunt me this season, I’ll tell you that. At least until Yolanda really gets her crazy on and I completely forget about familial angst.

What do you think of Yolanda? Was Lisa being petty, was Adrienne… or both? And