This week, Lisa puts on her happy neon pink bra (and under a sheer white shirt, natch), wiggles her nose, and convinces herself that if she thinks happy thoughts and pushes the booze with a side order of man meat, the very civilizing influence of Pimms and a proper British tea party will inspire the hate-spewing harpies on this show to lift their pinkies together over tea sandwiches and make nice. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah… no.
Yes, it’s another Extravaganza O’ Crazy, and Lisa is unlucky enough to have it all play out at her house. She should be glad that Beverly Hills housewives just bark squeakily at one another like Chihuahuas who’ve gotten into the Ritalin instead of tossing around tables. That’s just a Jersey thing, I guess.
But before we can get to Adrienne lying and Brandi stomping around and Taylor acting all manner of certifiable, we have to watch Kyle complain about her rack of extra clothes falling over. Please post this under #stupidrichpeopleproblems, and we will never discuss it again.
Anyway, Kyle needs to talk to Lisa, and maybe she also needs a have her hairdresser trim her bangs trim while blindfolded, because both things seem equally wise. But Kyle, who’s never met drama she doesn’t want to hug, adopt and take home to put in little sequined sweaters, wants to save her friendship with Lisa. I think Lisa’s too busy blocking her phone number for this.
Almost immediately Lisa brings up the argument she had with Camille in Vegas, and how Kyle didn’t defend her then, just as Kyle didn’t defend her when Adrienne attacked her on the reunion show, so Kyle should really just take her Birkin, delicately sob into it, and go home. Instead, Kyle blinks rapidly as if her false eyelashes are sticking together. She didn’t see a need to defend Lisa! Lisa is so good at defending herself! Kyle thought she was totally allowed to sit back, order popcorn shrimp and a Sam Adams, and just enjoy the fight! Jeez!
Golly, if Lisa’s going to be mad at someone, Kyle wonders, why can’t she be mad at Brandi? She started it, if “it” is everything bad ever! At this point, I’m wondering why Lisa was ever such great friends with Kyle anyway, since Kyle hasn’t been much fun this season and she never does cute things like fake-hit on Lisa’s husband or suggest friendly afternoons of group sex and pole dancing the way Brandi does.
Finally, Kyle grumbles that Lisa holds grudges, which Lisa really kinda does, and, exhausted by fighting and the pervasive, cruel pinkness of Lisa’s home, they call a truce. Lisa finally says she can move on… but knowing that Kyle will never defend her. In other words, they will move on by not being friends with one another anymore, which seems like a fairly tidy resolution. This is what people do when they have pre-cancerous moles or an unmedicated Charlie Sheen in their sitcom, and it really does seem to fix things right up.
Alas, Lisa backpedals a bit, and Kyle promises to come rushing to Lisa’s defense with a broken beer bottle and legal papers the next time someone tells Lisa she has spinach in her teeth, but it’s not enough. Things will never be the same. Kyle weeps and looks for appropriate music to underscore the tragic break-up of her TV friendship. I recommend Macklemore.
In other weird friendship news, Brandi visits Yolanda at Richpeople Horseyville. Yolanda has become quite good friends with Brandi, which means she accepted a phone call from the producers asking her to spend twenty minutes with her, because Yolanda likes an honest girl. This just sounds weird to me, because she says it the way most people would say they like a strong mojito or a rare steak.
Anyway, Yolanda does not eat Brandi but instead encourages her to not take any of Adrienne’s crap at Lisa’s tea party. Of course, Yolanda can’t go (that silly David Foster, dragging her all around the country at convenient times!), but if she were there, she’d probably tell Adrienne she’s nobody in particular and she’s a scared little bitch. I know Yolanda is hella crazy, but you know, more often than not she’s the only person on this show who makes a lick of sense.
Time for Lisa’s Afternoon of Suffering! With tea sandwiches, which are a kind of suffering all on their own, especially for the gluten intolerant! Peter and Jax from Sur (“Vanderpump Rules” crossover!) will be bar tending at the tea party. Uh, aren’t you supposed to drink tea at a tea party? Not in Beverly Hills, you don’t! This may be the one place where tea parties can result in up to 20 percent of the guests getting DUIs.
After Brandi arrives, and Lisa urges her to keep her damn mouth shut before Adrienne sticks a lawsuit into it, Taylor comes bearing a gift. That vibrates. This is not the thing to give Lisa, honestly. Maybe a nice bottle of rose or something pink that can be displayed on the dining room table. I’m pretty sure the only person who’d consider a vibrator to be a nice table accessory would be Jenna Jameson, and I’m not even sure about that.
So, the ladies trickle in. Marisa, who seems to be a pre-Housewife or a Housewife on probation or some such, is on deck to complain about her husband. Then, Adrienne arrives… with Kyle… and that gladiator in a pencil skirt, Faye Resnick.
Just to be clear, no one invited Faye. Does Faye live on table scraps, O.J. Simpson trial reunions and dinner invitations or something? Brandi, upon seeing Faye, starts to become skittish like a pony or a Chris Brown at a probation hearing, and you can pretty much guess that Lisa is wondering if anyone would notice if she slipped back inside the house and started changing the locks.
At first, the conversation is just plain fun, if plain fun is Marisa bitching about sleeping with the same guy (her husband) for 16 years and how she’s ready to screw anyone else, possibly both of the bartenders. Brandi helpfully suggests a threesome. Yes, a tea party means instant class!
Kim, by the way, is not coming. As usual, unicorns dented her car, or her house was accidentally hit by sniper fire or her new dog hit her new nose and a bloodbath ensued. Any one of those is probably true, or none. It’s Kim; the truth is she probably wanted to look at old pictures, cry and eat as many bags of Cheetos as her assistant can find for purchase in a two mile radius.
Everyone sits down at the table, a vision in Pepto Bismol (really, that should have been the party favor instead of stupid robes), and Lisa makes a toast suggesting all the women be on the same page. She basically comes thisclose to telling the women to behave themselves or she’ll call the cops, which really wouldn’t be a bad idea.
Taylor, who for some reason is still on the show, starts talking about doing Soul Cycle. She wants her ass back! Because she would now like everyone to tell her how skinny she is since the dead husband isn’t getting much of a reaction anymore! There is then a half-hearted call for Taylor to execute a handstand or anything else that would also require her to shut up for a while. “Why does every tea party turn out about me?” she shrieks gleefully while looking for a good spot to play junior gymnast.
But first, she must complete her mission — get the screaming going, girl! She drops the “L” word (lawsuit, people, lawsuit). Then, she drops it again, as she apparently assumes Adrienne and Brandi tiptoed around it as if Giggy had laid a teensy turd on the table because they just hadn’t heard her the first time.
Lisa asks Taylor and Brandi to help her in the kitchen, which is code for, “Taylor, DROP IT.” Taylor agrees to drop it, then rushes right back to the table, picks it up, whips it around her head like a bra at Coyote Ugly, and slaps it in Adrienne’s face.
And they’re off! Adrienne denies her lawyer sent a letter to Brandi. Brandi says she has the letter, so um, no. Adrienne accuses Brandi of accusing her chef of selling stories. “You don’t accuse Bernie!” Adrienne rasps. I’ve never seen her smoke, but I think Adrienne must eat entire packs of unfiltered cigarettes as a snack between meals.
Camille, who is getting WAY too involved in drama she supposedly left the show to avoid, thinks Brandi is confused. Brandi doesn’t think she’s confused, but she thinks Adrienne is a liar. Lisa thinks Adrienne is fudging the truth. Kyle tries to play dumb, but we all know she’s on Adrienne’s side. Faye Resnick is oddly silent, as I think Lisa may have given her a finger sandwich made of Elmer’s glue and peanut butter.
Eventually, Brandi gets up from the table, ready to bolt or perhaps trot around the table before searching for a bale of hay. Lisa wants everything to be over, and the other guests, desperate to get home and wash the Haterade off of their designer clothes (Woolite’s good for that), decide that means Lisa wants the whole party to be over and they run for the door like people who’ve been stuck in an elevator for over 24 hours next to a full diaper.
Not that this is over (really, is a fight on this show EVER over? These women will have their nurses hurling spitballs at one another at hospice). Brandi plans to print out the letters and “all the bullshit” and just hand it over.
Because there’s one thing I definitely know about these women: they love to read. Kidding! I’m not even sure if all of them know how, honestly, do you?
Do you think Adrienne is lying? Do you think Brandi is lying? Do you not care either way, but would really like to see these two in a duel to the death, Western-style?