‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: ‘Moroccan Madness’

Aww, darn. This episode started out on such a pleasant, only mildly crazy note. But we know that mildly crazy is never as much fun as sobbing and fighting, so everything melts down pretty quickly. Plus with Taylor in the house (yes, she’s still on the show; isn’t that weird?), it only takes a moment for her to try to make an argument all about her, even when it’s not and no one seems to have noticed she was there.

We kick things off with a rehash of last week’s Brandi/Scheana showdown. Brandi cries on Lisa’s shoulder about her painful split from her cheating husband (after we are reminded that Brandi’s kids are  “the happiest bleeping kids who come from a divorced family! THEY’RE PERFECT! BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP!”). Lisa tries to offer comfort without moving her face or messing up her eye make-up. Finally, Brandi begs Lisa to tell her she likes her more than Scheana, her employee. Brandi clearly has never worked in a restaurant before, as Lisa is never going to prefer the bimbo she has working tables to the bimbo she freely hangs out with. But don’t worry, Brandi. You may be bussing tables at Sur yet. 

Kyle goes to Yolanda’s house to pick organic lemons and make Master Cleanse lemonade. Yolanda LOVES the Master Cleanse. It’s life changing! It cures everything that ails you! It means not eating for ten days! Kyle is not sold. Yeah, I’m not blaming her, either. Kim is supposed to be joining Kyle and Yolanda to make cayenne pepper-doused lemonade, but she doesn’t show up. This is not surprising in any way.

Next, we visit Kim at her house, where her life coach Gary tells her she’s pretty. 

More happy, conflict-free fun! Lisa eats beef California rolls (which are apparently tasty and not at all as disgusting as they sound) at Villa Blanca while her husband Ken constructs a Barbie Dreamhouse-worthy swing in their backyard, which faces a landscaped heart of pretty pink flowers and a pretty pink Adirondack chair for Jiggy. PINK PINK PINK! Ken also does all of this while wearing a pink T-shirt. Ken tells Lisa he wants to renew their vows for their 30th wedding anniversary. I know what color the party theme will be!

Finally, it’s time for the big event — Kyle gathers the gals and some of the gals’ guys at the Moroccan restaurant Dar Maghreb to eat food with their hands and, if possible, fling some of it at one another while crying and fighting. I mean, that’s what these happy gatherings are all about, right? 

Kyle has invited her new-old friend Marisa and Marisa’s husband and brother (who are apparently just there to add some testosterone), Brandi, Kim, Camille, Taylor (yes, she’s still on the show; I know, crazy, right?), Lisa and Ken, Yolanda and Mauricio.

Yolanda starts things off on the right foot by telling Kim she’s a big flake and missed out on her AWESOME organic Master Cleanse lemonade! Kim doesn’t remember ever being invited. I could go either way on this one — Yolanda may have told one of her lemons, thinking it was a cell phone, to come over, or Kim’s just flaky. Anyway, Kim can’t do Master Cleanse. It’s not good for her metabolism right now. She needs to eat. Because cayenne pepper enflames the veins. Sigh. Just admit you like food, Kim! Jeez!

Things seem to be getting all squishy and emotional when Kim decides it’s a good time to have a very personal conversation with Kyle about their relationship. They both get weepy and vow to try harder and everyone else at the table feels uncomfortable. Good job, gals! 

Yolanda tells the table her husband was too busy working with Barbra Streisand to come to this silly little party. Kim and Kyle mention THEY were in a movie with Barbra’s husband James Brolin! So there! Yolanda looks at them sadly. You can almost see her thinking, oh, you pathetic little former child stars, you. 

Taylor, who seems WAY too keyed up and they haven’t even had coffee, wants someone to set her up on a date. SHE IS READY FOR LOVE! But she feels like dating is cheating on her scumbag dead husband! Her chin wobbles and her eyes tear up on cue. Camille tries to reassure her she needs to date, in part so she’ll stop talking about her scumbag dead husband. “It’s been almost a year!” Taylor says, wobbling and tearing away. Yes. We know. 

Brandi changes the topic to the more recent news that Adrienne and Paul have threatened to sue her if she doesn’t sign a piece of paper promising to never speak of them again to anyone ever as long as she may live. Or something like that. 

At first, Yolanda seems sympathetic to Brandi’s plight. It’s ridiculous that lawyers have gotten involved! But she thinks Brandi should suck it up and call Adrienne to talk it out. Oh, oh my God. Why? So she can give Adrienne more ammunition to use against her? 

Brandi tries to tell everyone repeatedly that she’s already tried calling Adrienne, but Adrienne won’t take her calls. But Mauricio also thinks Brandi needs to try harder. How? Call her repeatedly until she adds harassment charges to her list of complaints? Mauricio huffs that he’s called people about lots of things and made lawyers disappear in a puff of smoke! Sigh. Mauricio has probably never been sued by a crazy, vindictive woman in the midst of a divorce whose feelings he’s hurt. Mauricio has probably only been sued by business people over business dealings. Yolanda has probably been too busy picking lemons and cooking spaghetti to have business dealings. 

Lisa points out that Adrienne once said, “Friends don’t sue friends.” Then, Taylor mentions that Adrienne sure didn’t care when her dirty laundry was being aired in the group, and her dirty laundry was a LOT dirtier than Adrienne’s. Wow, it’s almost impressive that Taylor finds such a totally random tangent to try to drag the conversation kicking and screaming back to her and her dead scumbag husband. Kim mentions that Taylor could have left her abusive marriage, and Taylor tells her not to start with her, and seriously, when did this become about Taylor? 

Brandi wants to leave, but Taylor tells her she MUST stick around and stand up for herself while Yolanda and Mauricio bully her. “We’re gonna sit here and we’re not gonna cry and we’re not gonna walk away!” Taylor yelps while clutching Brandi’s hand in a crazy haze of girl power and attention whoring. Brandi just looks like she wants to crawl out of her skin and actually starts talking to the person on the other side of her as if Taylor is just a whackadoo figment of her imagination. 

Then, Ken and Mauricio start arguing about why Brandi said what she said about Adrienne. What? Ken mentions that Brandi doesn’t have a man to protect her and Mauricio starts talking about how smart his daughters are and WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Kim then pipes up to say that Brandi lies, because she lied about her. She was an alcoholic, not  meth head! Get it right! Lisa mentions that Afdrienne said some nasty stuff about her, and no one jumped to her defense. Mauricio doesn’t care about that! Brandi starts screaming for Mauricio to SHUT THE BLEEP UP! This has to be the weirdest argument featuring wounded, self-pitying narcissists since… well, a “Real Housewives” reunion. 

I’m guessing this whole mess of crazy will continue next week, unless Brandi a) stormed out of the restaurant b) stormed out of the restaurant and returned with a flame thrower or c) Yolanda holds everyone done and forces them to drink Master Cleanse lemonade. Can’t wait!

Do you think Brandi should try to call Adrienne again? Were you surprised Mauricio got involved? What did you think of Lisa’s swing?