Three Ways Mark Zuckerberg Makes Me Feel

05.14.15 4 years ago

Today Mark Zuckerberg, creator of Facebook, turns 31. Now, I hadn”t heard much about this guy in a little while so I thought I”d check in and make sure his life hadn”t completely fallen apart or anything like that.

As it turns out, this Internet billionaire is doing a-ok. In fact, his life is going so well that I almost wish I hadn”t started reading about it. Why? It makes me feel bad about myself, that”s why. Mark Zuckerberg is 31 and worth 34.8 billion dollars. In 2006 when he chose not to sell Facebook for 1 billion I couldn”t imagine how anyone could possibly want more money than that. NOW, the company is valued at more than 200 billion, so it seems the 22 year-old made the right decision. 200 BILLION dollars! I barely have 200 single dollars!

I know it”s Mark”s birthday and I should be celebrating his life and success, but instead I”m going to list the many unpleasant emotions he makes me feel:


I want tens of billions of dollars. Not fair.


What if I never make it as a writer? Even if I make it as a writer I”ll never make Silicon Valley level money. Will I NEVER know what it feels like to be a billionaire? Oh dear lord.


I used to think I was smart. If I were really smart wouldn”t I have invented an infinitely successful social media network by now? Wouldn”t I be friends with Obama by now? Instead, I”m sitting alone in a hotel room with nothing to do because I forgot to bring my ID to Las Vegas (so, how smart can I really be, MOM?!). Don”t be too sad for me though, my roommate is FedExing it to me so that by the time you”re reading this I will be drowning my inferiority complex in Piña Coladas down by the pool.

Look, I know the bible would tell me to not covet what my neighbor has or whatever, but Mark Zuckerberg isn”t my neighbor. Not even close.

Happy birthday, Mark Zuckerberg, let me know if you want to pay off my student loans or something.

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