Introducing Truffles The Guinea Pig, Guinness World Record Long Jumper

On July 27, 2009, a world record was set that most people thought would never be broken. But as we’ve seen over the past several years through my unabashed love of bizarre global competition, no record is safe as long as one person has the ambition and drive to be better. In this case, it was an athlete fittingly known as Diesel who set the record in question, and that record was, of course, the longest jump ever by a guinea pig. Eat your hearts out, Summer Olympians.

But earlier this year, according to perennial Pulitzer contender Guinea Pig Today, a 13-year old Scottish girl named Chloe said, “ACH! NO!” and other various unintelligible things, I presume, and she set out to break the world record with either her sister’s guinea pig, Nibbles, or her own boar, Truffles. Turns out, Nibbles was worthless, like the Ozzie Canseco of rodents. But Truffles? That f*cking guinea pig was special from the start. So special, in fact, that on March 15, Truffles CRUSHED Diesel’s record of 20.5 cm by more than 9 cm.

So does a world record holder just sit on its furry ass and wait for some other sock filled with tennis balls to come along and break its record? Apparently, yes. Because a guinea pig from Peru (dressed as a pirate, perhaps?) broke Truffles’ record shortly after. Chloe and Truffles finally nutted up and retook the world record in recent weeks by leaping more than 48 cm. And now, because you need to, you can watch the record breaking jump.

Although, I can’t help but wonder if this record was broken fairly. I mean, the use of leafy greens to inhibit a competitor’s ability sounds an awful lot like performance enhancement to me. For example, if you had Kate Upton stand on one side of the Grand Canyon with a Volcano Taco and Gaslight Anthem and Pearl Jam about to play a live show, I might be able to make that jump. I’d have to stretch, but I think I’d get it.

So I think that we need to create an international investigatory committee that establishes some standards for guinea pig jumping. I’d hate for our last true sport to be tainted, too.