Scientists Have Determined That The Universe As We Know It Is Dying


All the crazy, tinfoil hat-wearing masses who claim the end of the world is coming are getting some life-affirming news today. Scientists involved with the Galaxy and Mass Assembly (GAMA) Project have been watching the patterns of the universe’s cosmic vibes and say that after a semi-successful, 14 billion-year run, the universe is starting to wind down. Well, this explains Donald Trump leading the polls, I suppose.

What is specifically being watched is the energy output of the universe, “200,000 galaxies in 21 different wavelengths” seen through seven powerful telescopes. That energy is decreasing and is “half of what it was 2 billion years ago.” This observation isn’t exactly new; scientists have been keeping their eyes on this for a while now. However, this is the first time that finding evidence of the decreasing energy output has been studied on this large of a scale. Professor Simon Driver of the International Centre for Radio Astronomy Research (ICRAR) in Western Australia said:

“The universe has basically plonked itself down on the sofa, pulled up a blanket and is about to nod off for an eternal doze.”

Another ICRAR member, Dr. Luke Davies, compared the universe to an elderly person, saying, “Just as we become less active in our old age, the same is happening with the universe, and it’s well past its prime.”

That means the universe has not only lived through its virile young adulthood and mid-life crisis, it’s now enjoying retirement and writing its last will and testament, picking out a cemetery plot, figuring out its legacy, where to put its presidential library. Man, the universe is going to act so entitled now and fart with abandon, then blame it on the dog.

And then, it’s going to die. But not for a few billion years, so we’re okay. We can still enjoy this spry universe’s politically incorrect jokes and war stories for a while. Let’s leave the panic for future generations and trash the place!

Come on, you knew that was coming.

(via Blastr)