Stephen Colbert Is Apple’s New ‘Supreme Commander Of Super Secrecy’

In what can be described as its most U2-free event of 2014, Apple debuted its new iPad yesterday in California, while also showing off the bells and whistles of the OS X Yosemite operating system. To sum it all up, it was a banner day for people who love slightly slimmer tablets and being able to synchronize their phones with their computers to make calls. In fact, Craig Federighi, Apple’s senior vice president of Software Engineering, explained how Yosemite gives users the ability to take their calls on their iMacs by placing a call to the company’s new “Supreme Commander of Super Secrecy,” Stephen Colbert.

The result was another in a long line of Colbert’s bits about wanting free gear from Apple, even though it came across as more of your English Lit professor uncle trying to tell his “hilarious” stories about the honors college’s faculty roast at Thanksgiving. That’s not Colbert’s fault, mind you, as he was charming and sharp as ever. It would probably just serve Apple better if Colbert announced all of its news. Also, to make up for sticking a gun to our heads and forcing us to download U2’s “Songs of Innocence,” new iPads should come with Colbert’s home phone number.