True Blood (HBO, Sunday) — Season premiere. Here’s why you need to follow me on Twitter: because I share awesome GIFs like this even when I don’t have a specific use for them here at the blog. Anyway, if you can get past the silly monsters (this season: witches!) and annoying characters like Tara, Sookie, Bill, the ugly waitress, Hoyt, and all of Sam’s family, this can be almost watchable. I mean, is an Eric-Pam-Jessica hardcore threesome really so much to ask for?
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (USA, Sunday) — Series finale. Which one is this? Is this the one with Vincent D’Onofrio? It’s hard to keep all the “L&O’s” straight, except for the one about rape. Anyway, James Van Der beek guest stars.
Swamp Shark (Syfy, Saturday) — D.B. Sweeney and Kristy Swanson star in what isn’t exactly Syfy’s most inspired monster movie. “Okay, so it’s a shark… but get this: it lives in freshwater.”
Commercial Kings (IFC, Friday) — Series premiere. Internet stars Rhett and Link make offbeat commercials for local businesses. You may remember this from the video they made for the crazy cat hotel lady.
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1, Sunday) — Season premiere. Whoa, that was weird. I just thought about this show and queefed out of my penis.
Cocaine Sub Hunt (NatGeo, Sunday) — What else do you need to know? It’s called COCAINE SUB HUNT.
Gold Cup Final (Fox Soccer & Univision, Saturday) — It’s USA versus hated rival Mexico from the Rose Bowl. American turf, sure, but the 90,000 fans in attendance will be filled with urine-flinging illegal immigrants and anchor babies. We should host this game in Arizona. (My love for Clint Dempsey turns me into a right-wing racist.)