What We Learned From This Week’s Hannah-Centric Episode Of ‘Dexter’

Things happened last night! People died that we didn’t expect to die! Yvonne Strahovski is still gorgeous!

That’s about all the enthusiasm I can muster for the 7th episode of the final season of Dexter. It contained surprises. Unfortunately, some of those surprises were either out of character, or unearned. For a show that has been glacially paced all season long, the writers may have pressed on the gas pedal a little too hard last night and flooded the engine. It doesn’t help, of course, that Dexter airs on the same night as Breaking Bad now, and the contrast could not be any more unfavorable to Dexter.

Let’s get right into it:

Dexter and Hannah — The thrust of last night’s episode centered on the return of Hannah McKay, who had poisoned Dexter and Debra at the end of last week’s episode for reasons, it turns out, that didn’t make a lot of sense (apparently, Hannah thinks that the best way to get her ex-boyfriend’s attention is to poison him. I think a simple phone call would’ve sufficed). At any rate, Dexter wakes up unhurt in a strange place, ensures that Debra is also OK, and begins tracking Hannah down, which doesn’t prove to be much of a problem. He eventually finds her at a ritzy club and discovers that she goes by the name Maggie and is married to a billionaire. Given the fact that a billionaire’s wedding would likely be high-profile, and that Hannah is wanted by the authorities, I’m not sure how she managed such a public relationship without getting caught.

Anyway, Hannah married the billionaire, Miles, because she “needed” him, although the money is also nice. He also knows everything about Hannah, as well as her relationship with Dexter. However, he’s also a pushy, controlling asshole, and when he discovers that Dexter and Hannah have been scheming to kill him, he has Dexter beaten up and makes plans to basically confine Hannah to his yacht and make her his sex toy for the rest of her life. Nice manners.

Hannah doesn’t take his rapey-approaches well (or his terrible overacting), and kills Miles. Poor guy. All he wanted in the world was a sex slave, and what does he get instead? Scissors to the neck. Tsk. Tsk.

Anyway, Dexter, being the swell guy that he is, helps her dispose of Miles’ body, and the two rekindle their love of one another with the usual high-school notebook smooshiness: “Do you wish you had killed me when you had a chance?” “No, do you wish you had killed me when you had a chance?” Awwwwww. Lovebirds.

Debra and Hannah — It does not appear, however, that Debra is terribly keen on Dexter and Hannah reuniting, and she’s still got a bone to pick with Hannah for trying to kill her. Plus, Hannah is stealing her man. What’s she going to do about it? Probably stare out her car window and look really pissed off.

Debra and Jacob — Meanwhile, Jacob finally made a move on Debra, and by that, I mean, he asked her out to lunch, and when she declined, he exploded and caller her an ungrateful bitch. THE LOVE. Can’t you feel it? She wasn’t initially receptive, but by the end of the episode, Debra started to come around to Jacob’s passive aggressive hostility, because that’s Debra. She sure knows how to pick ’em.

Nikki and Masuka — Nikki immediately forgave Masuka for dropping a $5,000 check in her lap like the asshole that he obviously is, and then Masuka checked out his daughter’s rack/place of employment, a topless restaurant. Masuka, however, didn’t fancy the idea that his daughter was letting guys like him stare at her boobs while she served them chicken fingers, so he attempted to arrange her a job at the police station as his assistant. She declined, however, citing the fact that getting fondled by grabby men pays better than working as an assistant to the already redundant Dexter and Masuka, two men who do roughly the same job and work on the same cases. That’s your taxpayer dollars at work, y’all.

Anyway, the show’s sweetest moment came when Nikki called Masuka “Dad.”

Jamie and Quinn — Elsewhere, Jamie and Quinn have decided to move in together, which doesn’t make Batista very happy because he wants Jamie to be with a guy with a better job, even though it was him who failed to promote Quinn.

Dexter and Zack — Finally, Zack and Dexter had begun to bond somewhat, and Dr. Vogel was so thrilled about it, she told Zack all about the Code and how he would be a perfect candidate. Dexter took him under his wing, began to show him the serial-killer ropes, and how does Zack repay him? That little sh*t goes and bludgeon’s Dexter’s neighbor/blind date, Cassie, who probably never should’ve opened her door.

Well, so much for that mentorship. NOW you’ve done it, Zack. He went and killed that lady with the nice legs. THAT’S NOT PART OF THE CODE, SON.

Meanwhile, Harrison spent the whole episode watching Breaking Bad. Good for him.