It’s a hot day. Temperatures are nearing 100 degrees. You’ve been stuck in the office without air conditioning. Sweat has pooled up in your lower back. You feel disgusting, you feel icky, you just wanna get to the beach as soon as the clock hits 5 p.m. But recent stories give you pause, and images of goblin sharks and testicle-eating fish begin filling your head.

The year 2015 has been a particularly dangerous time for those who love the water. In North Carolina, there have been eight shark attacks in less a month. We’ve effectively reached a point where animals rule the roost; they dominate the water.

Here are just some of the awful, terrifying things that should keep you #TeamDryLand forever.

The Jurassic Park Alligator

That’s not really an alligator, right? It’s a dinosaur. It’s a animatronic from Jurassic World. Oh my God, that thing’s real? Think twice before that dip in a local lake, Florida.

Because there are sharks in your goddamn backyard

NO. NOPE. NUH-UH.

Your tiny rowboat is no match for killer whales

“Killer whales don’t eat people, killer whales don’t eat people, killer whales don’t eat people.”

Say that three times fast while curled up in the fetal position and maybe, just maybe, you survive this encounter.

Because there’s a testicle-eating fish in New Jersey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fEkquoNr9o

Yeah, because fish indigenous to North America weren’t scary enough. So someone got the testicle-eating pacu from like Brazil and dropped it in the waters off the coast of New Jersey. Be worse everyone, seriously.

How about that time a fisherman accidentally reeled in a crocodile

Meanwhile in Australia, a friendly fisherman was in the middle of reeling in a lively threadfin when…NOPE. No way. In the fisherman’s own words:

What took place in the next few seconds felt like a lifetime. Or was it that I felt like my life only had a few seconds. First, I saw a bit of silver, then I saw my lure with the fish’s mouth wide open. I lifted the leader some more and leaned over further to see what the fish was hooked up on. It was at this moment, I realised I was staring eye to eye with a solid salt-water crocodile. We were face to face and no more than 20 inches apart. Fright kicked in, I released the leader and flew backwards into the boat.

The half-eaten Dolphin

The water isn’t even safe for other animals, even ones as feisty as Flipper.

“The lifeguard flipped it over and you could see a shark had grabbed it and chomped right out of it,” Kerns said. “You could see the teeth marks and everything. Its spine was completely severed. It wasn’t a full-sized dolphin and it wasn’t a baby dolphin, it was mid-sized. At that point my mom took my son away quick because he was freaked out about it.”

“One girl grabbed it and she carried it where the trashcans are near a sand dune,” Kerns said. “We left about 45 minutes after. When I was walking out of there it was gone.”

OK then.

Stupid and fighting a gator for your golf ball is no way to go through life sir

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnD70z1be3w

#TeamDryLand also applies to those times when you hit a wayward tee shot and you decide to go mano a mano with an ornery gator on a riverbed.

And it’s not just animals.

Nothing says the Fourth of July like fireworks, fishing and accidental firing of spear guns. This poor fella is on life support after a friendly-fire incident.

“It’s literally in his head right now. It went underneath his ear on one side and it’s sticking out under the other ear on the other side and it went through his brain stem,” said the sister of victim Jarrod Ditmar.

The world’s dumbest dolphin

You big dumb dolphin. You belong in the water, not in the boat. The water is your home. Thankfully, the woman at the receiving end of the dolphin’s leap only suffered broken ankles. Given the amount of blood in the boat, it could have been a lot worse.

An 800-pound sting ray

You know who else thought sting rays were beautiful creatures? You know who else thought stings rays were animals we should play with? Steve Irwin.

(Via accuweather)