140 Characters of Ego: June Edition

Senior Contributor

Last month, we featured fourteen very special people, including a lofty thinking humanitarian who thought his Facebook ripoff would end war, a good old-fashioned “look at mah bewbs” girl next door, and other miscellaneous delusional narcissists. So how can we top that this month?
iPad pretentiousness! Food bloggers! And even more jerks from the marketing department! Enter the rabbit hole below…
@Reply: Wait…you mean you made a decision to move to a new place and actually did it? WHAT’S YOUR SECRET?!
Character Overage: His profile says “Homo. Blogger.” Those are the first two words. Not surprisingly, his blog is very much about how he’s gay and lives in San Francisco, which, naturally, is what he considers most unique about himself.
@Reply: You’re a writer and producer. You don’t get the right to be bored by fine art.
Character Overage: That said, I do have to respect somebody who calls herself a “truffle pig”. Although her obsession with food is just a wee bit troubling: her profile links to a food blog and there are pictures of food in her background.
@Reply: At least they’re not letting you know when you’re being a douche.
Character Overage: The really sad thing about this is that the guy’s Twitter isn’t even a constant stream of lousy jokes or anything: it’s just your typical Twitter feed, replying to friends, making inane comments, etc.
@Reply: They’re gross, and they’re disgusting, and WHY WON’T THEY GIVE ME A CIGARETTE I NEED ONE SO DESPERATELY PLEEEEEEASE?
Character Overage: The only thing worse than a former smoker who whines about how disgusting other smokers are (yes, we get it, you think you’re better than they are) are the guys who passive-aggressively cough when people light up outside. Although posting this on Twitter is halfway to that. Possibly three-quarters.
@Reply: It’s not hard to be smarter than everyone else in marketing, hon.
Character Overage: Yes, as you may have gathered, we have our first idiot marketroid of the article, and isn’t she just a fabulous one ladies and gentlemen. What is it about marketing, precisely, that attracts, well, dicks?
@Reply: Dude, I name my computers after spaceships on TV, and I think you’re a dork.
Character Overage: Aaaaand we add another food blogger to the list. Sadly, Cavan is his first name, which explains why he A) named his iPads and B) named them something so icky wicky pwecious. Cavan, you are a nerd other nerds look down on. Look into that, mkay?
@Reply: You work in marketing. Half the planet has beaten you at life.
Character Overage: And here’s marketroid number two. Complete with her own website, using a .me domain. But at least she’s apparently studying something of worth and might not spend her entire life in marketing, so good for her!
@Reply: Do you also get inspiration from smelling your own farts?
Character Overage: Yeah, when your profile says “diva-in-training”, we all know that actually means “will try for music career until getting pregnant and becoming a housewife. Interestingly, her tweets are “protected”…probably because she was all over Tweeting Too Hard for a few weeks.
@Reply: Actually, many luxury goods are a tax on intelligence: smart people don’t pay that much for useless crap.
Character Overage: Somehow, I doubt this is the actual designer tweeting all this pretentious garbage about luxury: probably some intern. Really, he should just hire the far more entertaining karl_lagerfield, a self-proclaimed “innervater” and with far more interesting things to say.
@Reply: Fortunately, no one cares what you think about anything, so that works out.
Character Overage: This twit runs a food blog (naturally), called “Cupcakes OMG!”, that’s also dedicated to how hot she is. Seriously, she has a blog post called “The Pretty Equation” that has as an image a headshot of her macroed with “Born This Way.”
I hope she keeps the blog up: it’s going to start being an epic dose of schadenfreude once reality (and age) sink in.
@Reply: You do realize people like you are why the French hate us, right?
Character Overage: “Champs?” “Champs?” Poor Charysse here suffers from a split identity, as you can tell from her photo: it looks like a cheerleader who thinks wearing chunky glasses makes her a hipster. That and her design firm is entitled (ugh) Let’s Get Lost Creations. Jack Kerouac would have stopped writing if he could see the terror he wrought.
@Reply: If you’re going to tweet stuff like this, at least have the decency to be a cult leader or something.
Character Overage: To absolutely nobody’s surprise, this one is a marketroid, meaning we’re currently tied between marketroids and food bloggers on this one for three each. Also, if you work in marketing, you might be the exact opposite of Jesus. Just sayin’.
@Reply: Don’t worry, the iPad didn’t cure your obvious developmental disability. You’re still special!
Character Overage: I’ve owned Apple products for more than a decade at this point and I remain baffled and disgusted that people think buying a mass-produced consumer product somehow makes them special. Whatever happened to getting a showboating hobby or just screaming racial slurs in the street to stand out?
@Reply: That’s OK, I can’t take you seriously because you tweet like a twelve-year-old girl.
Character Overage: This alleged social media genius is so smart he thinks people just automatically know what HARO (Help a Reporter Out) is, since he only refers to it by its acronym. Of course, if he Googled it, he’d discover Haro Bikes had beaten him to the search results.
That leaves us with a tie between food bloggers and marketroids…for this month. Come back next month to see who wins the tie breaker!

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