THIS IS A “HANUKKAH SONG” FREE ZONE. Needed to get that out of the way. Anyway, tonight is the beginning of Hanukkah, the eight-night Jewish holiday that actually isn’t very important, religiously speaking, but it’s our Christmas, so yay. I was one of approximately negative-three Jews who went to my public school, so I took a lot of obnoxious pride in the holiday. “Oh, you guys get one night of presents? Well, we get EIGHT and Hanukkah hasn’t been commercialized by THE MAN, you bunch of phonies.” I was not very popular.
But Hanukkah is pretty awesome — and here are 20 reasons why it might even be better than Christmas.
#1. Because Dr. Dreidel is a better pun than Big Daddy Kandy Kane.
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#2. Because famous Jewish person, the Fonz, ended segregation.
#3. Because “The Little Drum Machine Boy” > “The Little Drummer Boy.”
#4. Because fruitcake tastes like dump compared to latkes.
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#5. Because STOP AND LOOK AT THIS CORGI
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#6. Because the Rugrats Hanukkah special is a whole lot less depressing than Hey! Arnold‘s Christmas episode.
#7. Seriously, WTF, Nickelodeon?
#8. Because we have our own ugly sweaters, too, and they’re even more hideous.
#9. Because the lesson on spelling Hanukkah the right way involves Han Solo.
#10. Because this exists and Kitty Pryde’s Jewish.
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#11. Because who doesn’t want to wear a Megadeth yarmulke?
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#12. Or use this menorah?
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#13. Because YARMULKEBRA.
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#14. Because Hanukkah’s mascot, the Bear Jew, could kick Santa’s ass.
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#15. Because you can’t turn a Christmas tree into a bong.
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#16. Because America’s sexiest residents celebrate the holiday.
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#17. Because the world’s sexiest resident celebrates the holiday.
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#18. Because this doesn’t exist for Hanukkah.
#19. Because there’s no threat of your dad snapping his neck while going down the chimney as Santa.
#20. Because despite this, Annie Edison is a good little (naughty) Jewish girl at heart.
