A Pennsylvania Cop Has Been Dressing In Amish Drag To Investigate A Serial Flasher

04.15.14 5 years ago

Pennsylvania’s Amish community has been the target of a serial flasher recently. This, by itself, it not necessary newsworthy. What makes it newsworthy is this next part, which is just five or six different kinds of fantastic, and as of five minutes go is the plot of a screenplay I’m working on titled Police Academy: Going Buggy:

A male Pennsylvania police officer has been dressing as an Amish woman—along with a female officer from a neighboring department—hoping to scare off a man suspected of exposing himself to Amish children. […]

[Pulaski Township Sgt. Chad] Adams says he got help from a female officer in Wampum. The Amish who live in Lawrence County, along the Ohio border, don’t want their children to testify in court and agreed to lend the police women’s bonnets, aprons and dresses to catch or scare away the suspect. [CBS Philly]

[Rookie cop walks into the chief’s office]

ROOKIE COP: You wanted too see me, Chief?

CHIEF: Yes. Have a seat, Johnson.

ROOKIE COP: Am … am I in trouble?

CHIEF: No. Actually, it’s the opposite. We need you to go undercover.

ROOKIE COP: Oooo, am I going after Nico Baccarat, the notorious New York crime boss who has recently been laying groundwork in the community to secure a safe pipeline for his cocaine shipments? Thanks, Chief. You won’t regret this. I’m willing to go as deep as it takes. Even if it takes years. Even if I need to get strung out on cocaine myself to maintain my cover. Whatever it takes to get into that warehouse. You can count on me.

CHIEF: Well, actually, you’ll be…

ROOKIE COP: Or do we need me to infiltrate the business of Freddie Anaheim, the suspected investment swindler? I’m no expert on finance, not yet at least, but I’m willing to learn. Give me a week. I’ll come back here all “BUY! SELL! WHAT’S THE NASDAQ DOING? I NEED 500 SHARES OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED, YESTERDAY!” Anaheim will never suspect a thing. I’ll do whatever I have to to blend in. Even if it means doing lots of cocaine with the traders and managers. The investigation comes first.

CHIEF: No, it’s not a financial thing. We just need you to…

ROOKIE COP: Oh, I know. We’re taking down crooked union boss Pete Lasagna. What do you need me to do? Pose as a dockworker? I can do that, Chief. I come from a long line of blue collar working toughs. Look at these forearms. Strong genes. I bet I can lift three, maybe even four pallets at a time. He’ll probably see me swinging those pallets around and promote me to his personal security team right away. It’ll almost be too easy. Even if I have to start doing lots of cocaine to sell my cover.

CHIEF: What? No. Why would you need to do lots of cocaine as part of a cover as a dockworker-slash-bodyguard?

ROOKIE COP: Uh, for realism?

CHIEF: Goddammit, Johnson. No. We don’t need you to take down any crime boss or do any cocaine, at all.

ROOKIE COP: Well then what do you need me to do?

[Chief opens desk drawer, pulls out bonnet]

CHIEF: You can start by trying this on.

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