VOICEOVER (spoken over sirens and gunshots): People think that life gets easier when the regular season ends. That without games to play and rivals to beat, us football players are enjoying a well-deserved rest. But for some, that rest never comes. Some of us, upon returning to our normal lives in our comfortable homes and warm beds still toss and turn at night. I hear the cries of the disenfranchised and beaten down, and they haunt my dreams. The truth is, for The Flow, there is no offseason.
INT. BLAINE GABBERT’S HOUSE
BLAINE GABBERT is resting atop his chaise lounge sofa eating Honey Bunches of Oats out of the box while playing SUPER MARIO 3D WORLD on his WII U.
BLAINE GABBERT: Aw, look at Cat Mario! He’s so adorable.
[via]
BLAINE GABBERT falls off the stage and gets a game over.
BLAINE GABBERT: Aw, shucks.
CHAD HENNE, who has been playing as LUIGI:
As BLAINE GABBERT restarts the level, a deafening crash is heard outside. CHAD HENNE slinks away immediately.
BLAINE GABBERT: Something is wrong. It’s not safe here.
Suddenly, BLAINE GABBERT feels a vibration on his Trion:Z Dual Loop Magnetic Therapy Bracelet. He leaps through his sliding glass back door, but it is closed and he ricochets off of it. After spending 5 minutes unlocking the latch, he opens his back door and flips a panel open on the watch. THE CHIEF comes into view.
THE CHIEF: This is important, Flow. I…I don’t know why, and I don’t know how, but I felt something just now. I felt a great disturbance in the Shield, as if millions of advertising partners suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened. We need you to go to Louisville to check it out.
BLAINE GABBERT: Never fear, Chief. The Flow is here!
BLAINE GABBERT sprints up the spiral staircase to his room, but trips on the way and breaks his nose on the banister. After tending to his wounds in the bathroom, he emerges as THE FLOW, clothed in a stained and torn baby blue spandex suit about two sizes too big, with mismatched tube socks pulled up to his knees.
THE FLOW: Time to get to the bottom of this.
THE FLOW exits his Jacksonville house to a scene of destructive beauty. In the distance, the skyline has been tinged red and orange, and a sea of smoke billows up, up above the buildings as the light of the setting sun plays across it.
THE FLOW: This is more serious than I thought.
THE FLOW heads for the bus terminal, just as his bus is pulling up. The bus pulls away before THE FLOW can get there, and THE FLOW sprints for 2 blocks to try and catch it at the red light up ahead but the light changes too soon for him to reach the bus in time. THE FLOW checks the schedule and sees that the next bus is scheduled to depart in 4 hours. Soon enough, THE FLOW is on the bus to Louisville. The sky has not changed. There is smoke everywhere, seeping in through the windows of the bus. Its scent…so familiar…
1 DAY LATER, EXT. DOWNTOWN LOUISVILLE
At first, everything seemed normal to THE FLOW as he exited the bus. However, after walking a few blocks into the smoke , something nagged at him. As he walks, the smoke gets thicker, and the scent more intense. Soon, he spies a gigantic fire on the horizon, a fire burning white, blue, and yellow. It envelops the horizon, dwarfing the apartment buildings and office complexes surrounding it. THE FLOW, upon seeing this, begins to dry heave, and after calling his mom just to hear her calming voice, presses on.
THE FLOW: Who, or what, are you? Who could have done this?
An earth-rending laugh shakes the heavens. THE FLOW yelps, then looks around, thankful that nobody was there to hear it. THE FLOW presses on, and finally reaches the scene of the great fire.
THE FLOW: Wait. I… I know this place. This used to be the corprate headquarters of Papa John’s, the official pizza sponsor of the National Football League. And that smell… it’s… garlic butter. Who… Who are you?
THE FLAMES fly open.
LASERFACE: YA BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY
LASERFACE aims his Optic Blast at the remains of Papa John’s Corporate Headquarters, incinerating countless pepperoncini peppers and 2-liter bottles of Pepsi.
LASERFACE: HOOOWEE, YOU AND YOUR CHIEF ARE SOME KINDA DUMB. YOU THINK I’D JUST SIT ON MY HOLY BEHIND AND WATCH WHILE YOUR PRECIOUS PEYTON MANNING STOLE MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO THIS SUPER BOWL?
LASERFACE reaches into his jersey and produces a small artifact, THE GOLDEN GARLIC BUTTER CUP. He holds it up to the sky.
THE CHIEF (voice piping in through THE FLOW’s bracelet): It can’t be. That’s the source of all of the power of the Papa John’s franchise. It’s what keeps their pizzas so delicious, fresh, flavorful, and perfect for Game Day, and ever since Peyton Manning opened up his franchise in Denver, it’s what has given him the extra push to perform all season! If it were to be destroyed, hundreds of billions of dollars of advertising dollars would vanish, and Peyton Manning would instantly lose his talent!
LASERFACE: YEP, AND NOW IT’S MINE, YOU HEATHENS. Won it off of Papa John himself in a game of blackjack. The drunk bastard bet it and then hit on 16.
THE FLOW: You can’t do this. It’s not fair!
LASERFACE: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU. SHUT UP. Now you listen here, Chief. I’m a man of God, and I expect to be treated as one. You’re gonna go ahead and call up Peyton and tell him he’s throwing the game. If not, you can say goodbye to both your Most Valuable Player and your Most Valuable Pizza.
KEENAN ALLEN: Jesus, Rivers, that was fucking awful.
LASERFACE incinerates Keenan Allen with his Optic Blast.
LASERFACE: I’M SORRY KEENAN I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF YOUR BURNING FLESH. Now where was I. Ah yes.
LASERFACE holds the GOLDEN GARLIC BUTTER CUP aloft. Millions and millions of Papa John’s franchise locations across the country are uprooted from their foundations and appear behind LASERFACE. LASERFACE swings the cup from the left to right, and the Papa John franchise locations follow suit, connected to the cup by a mystical force.
LASERFACE: Time to die, Flow. You and the precious pizza conglomerate that pays your bills.
LASERFACE spots ANTONIO GATES running a seam route nearby, calling for the cup. LASERFACE rears back and launches it towards him. As soon as the cup leaves Rivers’ hand, the Papa John’s franchise locations begin raining down on the ground, smashing into piles of brick and dough. The GOLDEN GARLIC BUTTER CUP floats overhead, glittering in the sun.
THE FLOW springs into action, as LASERFACE’s face slowly transitions from smug satisfaction to horror. The GOLDEN GARLIC BUTTER CUP has been overthrown, and ANTONIO GATES is unable to catch the cup as it floats over his outstretched arms and is intercepted 20 yards away by THE FLOW. The buildings stop crashing down to the ground.
THE FLOW: Some things never change, Rivers. Now it’s my turn to show you why I get paid the big dough.
CECIL SHORTS III: Jesus, Gabbert, that was fucking awful.
THE FLOW throws the cup at LASERFACE with all his might.
LASERFACE: NOOOOOOO!!!
The cup lands about 3 feet in front of THE FLOW. CECIL SHORTS III sighs and picks up the cup, and throws it right where LASERFACE is standing. Instantly, the buildings all begin to crash down on LASERFACE and the GOLDEN GARLIC BUTTER CUP, encasing them in an impenetrable prison made of brick, pizza dough, cheese, and high quality pizza ingredients. CECIL SHORTS III sighs and goes home to watch Die Hard With A Vengeance.
THE CHIEF: Thank you, Flow. Your heroic actions today have ensured that NFL fans will be able to enjoy the Better Ingredients and Better Pizza offered by Papa John’s for years to come, and at the same time you have safeguarded the legendary talent of Peyton Manning. We’re in your debt once again.
THE FLOW has gotten his foot stuck in a glob of pizza dough and has fallen over, concussing himself.
THE FLOW: (incoherent mumbling)
THE CHIEF: Ha ha! That’s our Flow!
Be sure to tune in next time to THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF THE FLOW, in which, after days of physical training and mental preparation Blaine Gabbert finally beats the first level of Super Mario 3D World.