Donald Trump may as well burn the money he’s using to fund his presidential campaign. It would do the same amount of good. The former Celebrity Apprentice host is a national laughingstock, though calling him that is redundant after “former Celebrity Apprentice host.” The love child of Salacious Crumb and Jabba the Hutt is a walking butt plug who picks fights with soldiers who were held captive while fighting for our country; used a stock photo with Nazi soldiers in a campaign ad; and claimed Mexican immigrants, who he called “criminals” and “rapists,” bring “tremendous infectious disease” to America. All that, in only the last few weeks.
He’s the best at being the worst, and these are his WORST (read: most hilarious) tweets.
Did we ever find out who this “extremely credible source” was? Probably someone with high-level CIA security clearance, or Trump’s ass, like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura. One of the two.
Other things Donald Trump hasn’t seen: Vietnam, black people, a mirror.
Trump is a mid-1980s wrestling heel. It’s easy to imagine him in a ring screaming “MY TWITTER HAS BECOME SO POWERFUL” while banging his oiled-up, puffy chest, stopping only to eat garbage. Basically, he’s The Trashman from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
This 60-something man, with a model wife 24 years younger than he is, has an unhealthy relationship with Katy Perry and Kristen Stewart (we’ll get to her soon). He loves to neg. “Look, Katy, I think you’re a human monster, but John Mayer is even worse.” To be fair, he’s half right?
Go back to the top of this post. This is not a man who should be calling anyone “unattractive.”
No one cared about R-Patz and K-Stew in 2012 more than the Donald. There were multiple tweets about what he should do, and why she’s using him, which I love, because it means Trump’s seen at least one Twilight movie. He probably rented out an entire theater for himself, secretly wearing his Taylor Lautner undershirt (he’s Team Jacob, because they both suck).
F*ckface Von Clownstick is still hilarious, but let’s think of some original names.
-Count Splooge Manboobs
-*makes fart noise for 15 minutes-straight*
Now your turn.
Donald Trump is Homer Simpson chanting, “I am so smart, S-M-R-T, I mean, S-M-A-R-T.” It’s been proven time and time that IQ tests are fundamentally flawed and meaningless, so anyone who brags about their high score is likely (or in this case, definitely) very dense.
Also, “SORRY, LOSERS AND HATERS” is how I’m starting every sentence now. “SORRY, LOSERS AND HATERS, but what time can I pick up my dog Gonzo from the groomers?”
SORRY, LOSERS AND HATERS (it’s catching on), but global warming was invented by the Chinese, as were potholes, the Disney Vault, the extended version of the Friends theme song, the films of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, and that itch on your back that you JUST can’t reach. Everything awful, really, all because they want to have a monopoly on fortune cookies.
It’s science. Look it up.
Obama should take Trump up on his offer (which would be tracked on this bonkers website), and poop in the country club pool, Caddyshack-style. Now that’s MY kind of president.