Holy shit. Where to begin?
Dwayne Johnson is already sitting atop a stack of cash so big, so plentiful, that even Hercules himself couldn’t rock bottom a baddie through it. His most recent film, Furious 7, arguably the point in the franchise where everyone said “Fuck it, let’s punch the Nos,” has generated enough revenue in just over a week to consider itself a small nation. It will win best picture, and The Rock will take home best supporting actor, lest the Academy covet a pissed off ex-wrestler shooting their personal helicopters out of the sky using a gun turret he ripped off an assault vehicle with his bare gotdamn hands.
No, you can’t keep a good man down. The Rock smells blood, and what does the most electrifying man in entertainment have up his cut-off sleeve next? Well, he’s teaming with Mark Wahlberg and HBO to bring the world the football version of “Entourage” we’ve all been craving.
In “Ballers” Johnson plays an ex-football player cavorting as an agent or adviser or something, and I’m guessing he’s going to have a hard time letting go of his previous life, and since he’s doing it in a setting I’m assuming is Miami, HBO will likely be legally obligated to warn us about the gratuitous amounts of N and L that lie ahead going in to each episode. The first trailer for the series hit the interwebs late last week, so lets take a peek at what we’re getting ourselves into this summer, shall we?
So The Rock used to play football, huh? What team did he play for?
The Kroger brand Dolphins.
Will there boats?
Damn straight there will be boats.
What about fast cars?
Damn straight there will be fast cars.
What about Rob Corddry as The Rock’s fast-talking partner?
Damn straight there will be Rob Corddr–wait, what?
He says the slogan for their firm will be “Get rich. Get laid. Have fun.” It’s right there in the trailer.
Looks like he’ll be doing at least two of those three things.
What is this man doing with his hand so close to The Rock’s ocular cavity?
Either there’s going to be a CTE storyline, or sentencing a man to death in The People’s Miami is vastly different than what we’re accustomed to.
Did you see that guy flipping a giant tire?
I did. “Dwayne Johnson’s HBO show” was enough to sell me on the series, but this image is the one that caused me to book a day-long meeting on my calendar for June 21, 2015 labeled “Old James Christmas.”
Why is that man wearing a neck brace? Did The Rock put the people’s elbow through his Adam’s apple while using him as a human blocking sled?
God, I hope so.
Was that the guy who played Big Johnson in the movie Sorority Boys about to get a lap dance?
A reference I’m sure I’m the only one who gets, but yes. Yes it was.
Did the producers drop in a hot take insinuating Brett Favre isn’t elite?
Now that I think about it…
Will there be partying?
A Wahlberg joint? You know folks are gonna party.
“Ballers” premiers on June 21, so now’s the time to mark your calendars and start taking whatever steps necessary to acquire HBO. I know I have.