Free Wilfork, a heartwarming story about a team and a whale

[A pod of Hurricane Whales swim off the coast of Miami. Suddenly, a large boat approaches. The boat chases into the pod of whales and they try to swim away. One whale gets separated from the others. A hooded man stands on the boat deck and orders the net to be cast. The net envelops the whale and the boat hauls off towards the cold northern seas, making a quick pit stop at Rutgers]

[cut to black, fade into new scene.  A young quarterback named Tom Brady is throwing rocks at some wild Buffalo, laughing as the Buffalo trip over themselves and die. The same hooded man approaches]

Tom Brady: Hey coach, what’s up?

The hooded man: I’ve made an…acquisition you might wish to meet.

Brady: Is it another small white guy I send send over the middle to die?

The hooded man: No, my young padawan, it is…a whale.

Brady: What? A defenseman? I don’t care about defenders, they are stinky and they hurt me. I don’t want no defenders, I just want more championships and a super model wife

Hooded man: This whale…he can help. Come with me.

[Brady and the hooded man arrive at the Patriots facility. In a large tank by the 50 yard line is the whale. He’s tagged with a number: 75. He swims around in circles. A young undrafted free agent is lowered into the pool via a harness. He is screaming. Once in the pool he seems surprised that the whale does not pay him mind. The Hooded man hands Tom Brady a football.]

Hooded Man: Go on. Throw it to him. See what happens.

[Brady throws the UDFA the ball. as soon as the UDFA catches it, the whale lets loose a bellow and consumes the UDFA before he even has a chance to react. Brady is wide-eyed.]

Brady: Wowee! He’s-ah… amazing! Can I go say hi?

Hooded Man: Of course.

Brady runs down to meet the whale. He feeds the whale a few more UDFAs with screen passes.

Hooded man: I call him Wilfork. He’s our new Nose Tackle. We are going to make millions. with him. I want you to lead him. I want you to bond with him.

[A montage happens. Brady spending time with Wilfork. Playing. Bonding. They reach the Championship together and win. Brady marries a Supermodel, Wilfork is best whale at the wedding. They reach the Championship again, but some twerp named Eli brings them down. Hooded man vows revenge and they fight their way back to the championship, only to lose to Eli once more. Brady and Wilfork have begun to lose hope. We cut to Brady sitting in a seat in Gillette stadium]

Brady: He’s dying, coach. He wasn’t meant to be held in this cage. He’s too big, too proud, too free. We can’t keep him. He costs too much.

Hooded Man hisses.

Hooded Man: I assure you we do not have to free him. He is still useful. He can still plug up running lanes. We just need him one more time. The Giants are bad, they won’t touch the championship this season. This is our chance to strike again, to win it all, to prove to the nation that Boston is still strong. That we are still snobby entitled dickholes. Come with me, Brady. Let’s do it.

[They reach the championship again. It comes down to the wire, but the Patriots prevail. Brady holds the championship trophy once more]



Hooded Man: Excellent. I cannot wait to do it again next year!

Brady: No! You promised! He deserves to be free! To pursue his own interests! A FREE AGENT!

Hooded Man: He still has use, this one. We can sell him, trade him for blubber. Maybe that Suh whale up in the lakes. Why let him go when we can get like 7 more Rutgers players out of him?


[Brady and Wilfork run down the hill from the Stadium and get in a truck. Wilfork in the back, floating in a puddle in the flatbed of the truck. Hooded Man is fast in pursuit, flying on his magical cloud of evil. They reach the Boston Harbor. Brady backs up the truck and crashes it into the harbor. Wilfork swims out. Wilfork seems confused. Brady runs along a jetty, calling him along]

Brady: Come on! Wilfork! You can do it! Come on! You gotta jump, Wilfork! You gotta jump! JUMP, WILFORK! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

[Wilfork jumps. Hooded man screeches and Brady looks on as Wilfork soars above him. Wilfork lands in the ocean]


[The entirety of Boston stands on the waterfront, waving. Wilfork turns up a hand and waves back, but is soon vanishes into the distance. The credits roll. Then, after the last bit plays, we cut to the ocean. Wilfork is swimming. Suddenly a large Kingon bird of prey appears over the water. We cut to the interior, where it is piloted by the usual crew of the Starship Enterprise]

Captain Kirk: We…NEED this whale. Our…future…DEPENDS on it. Only it can…talk to the probe destroying 23rd century earth. Man, I can’t…believe this movie plot made more money than any other.

[Wilfork is beamed up and the Bird of Prey vanishes]