disgusting…..what am i supposed to say to my kids when they see a couple, covered head-to-toe in celtics gear, miming the missionary position https://t.co/poH5njbSRB
— mattie lubchansky (@Lubchansky) June 4, 2019
“WhY iSn’T tHeRe A stRaiGht pRiDE pAraDe?” Every June (pride month), you can be assured someone will ask why gay pride parades exist when straight pride parades don’t. Those people never had to worry about being disowned or killed by their own parents. Wow, that got dark fast. Anyhoo, someone with some purported ties to extremist activism has obtained a permit to hold a Straight Pride Parade in Boston on Saturday, August 31st.
Not surprisingly, the news of a Straight Pride Parade garnered amusing reactions like these:
https://twitter.com/failnaut/status/1135951099821772800
A more accurate name for the Straight Pride Parade would be Incelebration.
— Adam Best (@adamcbest) June 4, 2019
https://twitter.com/RonFunches/status/1135974147304054784
As someone who can claim two letters in LGBT (the G and the T), it behooves me to continue making a mockery of this foolishness. And people on Twitter have continued to dunk on this silly idea since we last wrote about it, speculating about what a straight pride flag or straight pride float might look like:
Floats for the Straight Pride Parade…
– Giant AXE body spray
– Bag of Doritos
– Big Mountain Dew
– Tomi Lahren riding a Swastika
– Jacob Wohl waving on a Twinkie
– Charlie Kirk in a diaper
– The curly hair gun girl in a beige leotard riding an AR-15
– Giant Parent’s basement— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) June 4, 2019
https://twitter.com/gbrockell/status/1135930819401437184
Each float in the straight pride parade is 10 guys explaining a different Coen brothers movie to you.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) June 5, 2019
Others wondered what the guys in attendance would look like:
I’d imagine a straight pride parade to be something like this but in the worst way? pic.twitter.com/j3Kal4ueOq
— libby, ur friendly neighborhood haunted house (@1ibby) June 4, 2019
https://twitter.com/jbillinson/status/1136050829469896704
The Boston Straight Pride Parade pic.twitter.com/5OuFucYHJg
— Cake McJabe (@LeBronMaclean) June 4, 2019
Straight pride parade is just gonna be three guys in cargo shorts in the back of an F-150 one of their bored wives is driving, the Chic-Fil-A cows, and grand marshal Eddie Money who thought he was booked for something else
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) June 4, 2019
https://twitter.com/galvileo/status/1135961344501530624
People also shared ideas about where the parade route would go:
The Straight Pride Parade route goes through Home Depot, loops around, buys the wrong piece of hardware because they were too proud to ask, and then back out again.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) June 5, 2019
And others highlighted straight pride’s rich culture:
Whenever someone on this app asks “why don’t we have a straight pride parade” just send them this pic.twitter.com/ts1yh33s2B
— Mary Emily O'Hara (@MaryEmilyOHara) June 2, 2019
While people also seemed confused because they thought the Straight Pride Parade already existed:
https://twitter.com/TimRossComedy/status/1135523224220053504
To my understanding, the straight pride parade is just the checkout line at Costco.
— Nick Wanserski (@NWanserski) June 4, 2019
you know the straight pride parade is just everyone who got rejected from a conga line at a party
— Aparna Nancherla 🇵🇸 (@aparnapkin) June 5, 2019
isn’t a straight pride parade just traffic
— lil arab (@sweatyhairy) June 4, 2019
The parade did find allies in the apparently-hegemonic gay community:
I’m going to march in the Straight Pride Parade as an ally in support of all the straight girls who have woken up in my bed.
— Marie Connor (@thistallawkgirl) June 4, 2019
Some people made serious points:
https://twitter.com/imnottayediggs/status/1135986776793911296
A “Straight Pride Parade” is an acknowledgement by the participants that they believe gayness is something aggressive that gay people are doing at straight people, which perhaps tells you how they view sex.
— A.R. Moxon (juliusgoat.bsky.social) (@JuliusGoat) June 5, 2019
https://twitter.com/MatAuryn/status/1135964876873064453
And folks were also doing some A+ subtweeting:
did you hear some dumb motherfuckers are doing some horseshit
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) June 4, 2019
The joking continued throughout the night:
https://twitter.com/kiwi_maddog12/status/1135987895787851777
https://twitter.com/spacecrafff/status/1136008173590999040
https://twitter.com/blubberypancake/status/1136004206236721154
STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE?? WHAT'S NEXT STRAIGHT MARRIAGE???
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) June 4, 2019
The Straight Pride Parade should end at a giant clitoris so they just end up walking in circles until they die because they can’t find it.
— Peanut Butter Pretzels (@onedankmom) June 4, 2019