And Now, A Bunch Of Terrible Stock Photos Of Computer Hackers


POP QUIZ, HOT SHOT: What’s the most reliably funny thing on the internet?

Did you say “stock photos of computer hackers”? Well, I hope you did, because otherwise you are wrong. I mean, probably. I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve seen the whole entire internet. I suppose it’s reasonable to assume I missed something funnier. And I also forget a lot of stuff, so maybe I’ve actually seen one thing or many things funnier than stock photos of computer hackers. Like I’m just now remember the shoe roast. The shoe roast is probably funnier. But still.

This is already going off the rails. But do you know what can bring it back? I’ll tell you: stock photos of computer hackers! They really are kind of incredible. Sometimes when I’m bored or bummed out I’ll just open up Shutterstock and flip through 20-25 pages of them, cackling like a maniac the entire time. So, because you either need a pick me up now or will need one at some point in the future, I’m going to share some of my favorites with you. There will be a surprising amount of spandex. Consider that your warning.

And away we go…

So, yes, please note the fact that there is a man in a black-and-white checkered spandex suit sitting at a desk and cocking his head at the camera. And also note the Terminator-style readout on the image that zeroes in on his head and identifies him as a “hacker,” a “thief,” and a “spy.” And definitely note how funny it is that whatever program did that identified him as those things as though that’s the most logical explanation for what and/or who that person is.

But more importantly, think about everything that had to happen before the camera captured this image. Let’s tick off just a few of the steps:

  • Someone had to request a picture of a hacker
  • Someone had to think, “Hmm, how can I depict a hacker in a way that everyone will understand?”
  • That person had to come up with this idea
  • No one was able to talk him or her out of it
  • Someone purchased or rented a full-body chess board spandex suit
  • Someone showed up on set and was informed that he had to put on the full-body chess board spandex suit
  • No one was able to talk him out of it
  • Everyone involved let this happen

When you think about it that way, this picture is practically a miracle.

There’s really nothing I can or should add to this one, other than to maybe say that it’s funny to picture this woman shouting “TELL ME YOUR PASSWORD, YOU GODFORSAKEN MACHINE,” and that it’s also funnier to pretend that happened after 5-10 minutes of her attempting to interrogate it verbally first.