How Many People Will Commit Suicide Over The New New Facebook Redesign?

09.22.11 6 years ago 2 Comments

I, like many people, have watched in amusement as people have driven themselves to the brink of madness over subtle changes that have been popping up on their Facebook pages over the last day or so. But now that Mark Zuckerberg has unveiled the full scope of changes coming to Facebook in the near future in his patented creepy, robotic, carefully worded way, I’m absolutely convinced that someone is going to wind up killing themselves over it. And they’ll probably live stream it on Facebook, where they’ll also post a suicide note to their wall. So meta. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to predict that multiple people are going to kill themselves over it. I’m arbitrarily setting the over/under on this at three.

So what is the maniacal boy genius Mark Zuckerberg doing that will drive people to off themselves. By drastically revamping the site into something absolutely nobody has been clamoring for: a bloggy “Timeline” thing, where everything you’ve EVER posted on Facebook, EVERYTHING, — photos, status updates, photo comments, links, wall posts etc. — will appear in sequential order, like, well, on a blog. As Zuckerberg put it today, Timeline will “tell the whole story of your life in a single page.” This will certainly make life so much easier for stalkers since they won’t have to spend all that time clicking around when digging though your past to see that time in 2008 when you changed your relationship status. Now they can just scroll through it! Well, um, okay Mark Zuckerberg! Thanks, I guess?

Here’s a nice, Orwellian video Zuckerberg played to help introduce “Timeline” to the masses…

Actually, you know what? I’m gonna up the over under on suicides to 5 after watching this video and browsing through the comments on the Facebook blog post announcing the changes. A sampling…

“shut the eff up and bring the old facebook back.”

“This sounds like it’s tailor made for stalking.”

“give us old facbook back!”

“goddanmit! what are you doing with your site?”

“nobody like the F***n new bring back the old one already.”

“thank god anonymous is killing this website.”

“how many more changes are you going to cram down our throats by the end of the week? NOT INTERESTED! BRING BACK THE OLD FACEBOOK – if you want all this other stuff for the high tech trendy people why not create another “book” and triple your earnings? lets call it Peoplewhodon’tmindbeingscrewdwithbook.”

“Why can’t you guys just leave Facebook the way it was, you guys are just going to make this site so overrated that you should just change your name to MySpace and fall off the web that we call the internet. People loved it simple and now with all this new stuff your just pushing people towards other sites and what do you know Google is taking advantage of it because they just make Google+ open registration.”

Actually, let me up that over/under estimate to seven.

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