Aww. This one happened just three miles down the road from me in good old Upper Darby PA, otherwise known as Tina Fey’s hometown. It’s nice to see your city in the news now and then. Anyway, around 11:30 a.m. on Sunday, 33-year-old Carlen Higgs wandered into the Upper Darby Police Department and started rambling incoherently about wanting to see a police officer. A guard politely asked Higgs to wait on a bench until an officer was available — which he did. He then, however, pulled a doobie out of his pocket and lit up right there in the police station.
That was probably the smartest thing Carlen Higgs did all day on Sunday, because things got so much worse from there, according to Philly.com:
When the officer Higgs so desperately wanted to see came out, he smelled the marijuana immediately and took Higgs into custody.
And then the show began.
Higgs disrobed, while still babbling, and relieved his bowels on the floor of his holding cell, Chitwood said. Then, as if struck by artistic inspiration, Higgs grabbed his own feces and “wiped it all over the walls,” he said.
It was later determined that Higgs was under the influence of PCP — in addition to the weed he smoked inside the police station, of course. He was charged with disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, and assorted drug offenses. Somehow it still seems like he got off easy. Isn’t there a specific charge for wiping your own poop on the walls of a police station? Second degree fecal artistry or something?
Speaking of, I wouldn’t be so quick to wipe down those walls, Upper Darby police. If that guy were to become a famous artist someday, those poop walls could be worth millions. Think about it.