No, A Man Did Not Go Into A Coma After Eating 413 Red Lobster Biscuits

Chances are that if you have any gullible and overzealous friends or family members at all, you may have heard a story today about a guy who paid a visit to his local Red Lobster and decided to go hammer time on those delicious Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Seriously, have you ever had those little suckers? I’m allergic to shellfish, so when I’d go there with my family as a kid, the biscuits were all I could eat. Behind Aziz Ansari’s little cousin Harris, I’m probably the biscuits’ biggest fan.

Anyway, the story that some websites were reporting as fact came from the Rock City Times in Arkansas, and it told us about a man named Kevin Shalin, who consumed 413 of the biscuits before slipping into a coma as a result. Pretty scary stuff, right?

Red Lobster’s signature Cheddar Bay Biscuits are given out free to guests with each meal. The restaurant lists the biscuits as 150 calories each and a chef for the restaurant tells us they have approximately 1/8th of a stick of butter in each. UAMS doctors are speculating that it is the equivalent of 51.5 sticks of butter that Shalin ate that is causing the coma.

“After he ate the first one he looked at us and asked if the biscuits are really free,” another guest, Kelly Gee, tells us. “I said ‘heck yeah those are free, eat as many as you want.’ After about 30 I see him over asking the manager about the record for most biscuits eaten at one time. He just came back and said I think I can do 415, and started really digging in. His beard was covered in crumbs.”

Shalin reported feeling dizzy upon consuming #412. Friends encouraged him to stop, but he continued with #413. Immediately after eating Shalin fell on the ground convulsing.

Now, if the next line about draining two gallons of butter from his body didn’t raise any red flags, the website’s slogan – “Arkansas 2nd most unreliable news source” – should have. It’s a fake story and Shalin did not almost die from ingesting 61,950 calories of Cheddar Bay Biscuit deliciousness. Sadly, I’m sure someone who thought this story was real will actually try to top the imaginary feat.

I just pray it’s not Harris. Stick to the Hot Pockets, buddy.

I couldn’t find the clip where Aziz mentions how much Harris loves the biscuits, so you’ll settle for this and like it.

(Banner via Red Lobster)