(Ed. Note: Peter Dinklage spent some time on the internet earlier today and had a few things to say, so he sent us the following email to pass on to all of you guys.)
In the past 48 hours or so I’ve had some time to check out your Twitters and your Facebooks and your Tumblrs and all that and I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve been whining a lot about the heat.
Look, I don’t want to say that you guys are a bunch of p*ssies, but you’re a bunch of p*ssies. You think you have it so hard having to deal with extreme heat while having the wonders of modern air conditioning at your fingertips — CONDITIONED AIR — to seek refuge in. You know what’s hard, you little bitches? Topping out at 4’5” and having “Dinklage” as your last name! You think you hated life in junior high? F*CK. YOU.
Oh, you think it’s hot right now where you are? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HOT IS! Have you ever been on an outdoor set in the middle of the summer for 15 hours in medieval fantasy garb? I think not. Have you seen The Station Agent? We filmed that in southern Mississippi in August. You ever been in southern Mississippi in August? It’s hotter than Cee-Lo Green’s butthole after a night of tequila shots and Taco Bell beef meximelts covered in fire sauce. So stop Googling to find out what your face might look like when it melts off, because it won’t!
Wait, what’s that you’re bitching about now? You don’t have anything to eat at your house and it’s just too hot to leave your climate-controlled squalor to go outside to get anything so you’re forced to eat crap?
Look, do you have any ground meat in your fridge? Make a goddamn burger. Making a burger is the easiest thing in the world. You just take a glob of meat, toss it in a pan, cook it, put some cheese on top, and place it between two slices of bread. It’s virtually idiot-proof. Leo Dicaprio’s character in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” could probably even make a burger that’d make your loins tingle.
Think of the cats you love so much, internet. Don’t you think cats would kill to be able to whip up a burger on a whim like you can instead of having to eat that nasty trash in a can you feed them? Of course they would! The worst burger in the world is better than the best can of flippin’ cat food.
And if you’re too lazy to make a burger, can’t you just toss a cheap pizza in the oven? Surely you have one of those, RIGHT? Because every forward-thinking American keeps a frozen pizza in the freezer for emergency situations! It’s delicious. Nobody doesn’t like pizza. It’s about as perfect of a food there is, and you can just toss it in the oven and it’s done in the time it takes you to find a good porn clip on YouJizz and fap one out. Don’t you think cats would love to have some hot, delicious pizza whenever they wanted it?
Of course they would! Now, I should add that if you have some greens around, you should make a salad to balance out the pizza and burgers. Wait, what’s that you say?
Oh come on, internet…I know you guys love meat, but salad’s good for you. Just smother it in butter like Paula Deen does and you’ll love it.
So come on…quit your bitchin’, Internet! You’ve got a lot to be thankful for. Now go out and have yourselves a great weekend, okay. Oh, and one last thing…
Peace and hair grease,
(Ed. Note # 2: Um, Peter Dinklage did not actually write this.)