An 18-year-old Texas man was arrested two weeks ago for allegedly topping a pizza pie with his scrotum while working at a pizza parlor that specializes in prepared but not-yet-cooked pizza that you can take home and bake yourself. No, scrotum is not on the menu. Har har.
I know that the focus of this story is on this possible pizza desecration, but can we talk about the idea behind take home and bake it yourself pizza for a second? I’m sure some people feel that there are benefits to fresh out-of-the-oven pizza, but I feel like we need that delivery/transit period to allow the cheese to harden. Maybe people wait the appropriate time for the cheese to harden at home, I don’t know. All I’m saying is, with soupy cheese there is anarchy.
Anyway, back to the nuts on crusts thing. The alleged perpetrator of this misdeed is Austin Michael Symonds, who was charged with tampering with a consumer product according to KEYE TV, who also reports that Symonds was apologetic after getting allegedly caught in the act by a customer who alerted police… allegedly.
Police say the customer saw Symonds rubbing his testicles on the pizza as he entered the store. He confronted Symonds, who then apologized. He asked Symonds his age, and when he responded with 18 he stated, “So you are old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone’s pizza.” Symonds responded by saying, “Yes.”
Don’t get me wrong, ick, but I kinda feel bad for the guy. Yes, nobody wants ball dust on their pizza, but service jobs are the worst and according to the report, the customer had placed his order near closing time. I’m not condoning the alleged action (or others like it) and the customer had every right to order his food up to closing time, but I get the impulse because I had my soul bespotted by five years in retail. Me personally, I would have denied the guy napkins or “forgotten” one of the ordered toppings and called it a small victory.
So, what have we learned here? While funny in its time, the antics teased by the “I wanna dip my balls in it!” guy from The State would not translate to hilarity today and could actually result in some kind of legal trouble if pizza was involved. The world is so different now.