Uh oh gang, it’s a s-s-sex monster! Or alien, virus, planet, robot or sexual dimension. If you watch enough Sci-Fi, you’re bound to see this gem of a plot pop-up, most likely earlier on in a new series as a ratings ploy. It goes a little something like this:
1. For the most flimsy reason imaginable, characters on the show must have sex. Perhaps they will die if they don’t, perhaps there will be a war, or maybe they’ve been infected with a mysterious virus and they just can’t help themselves.
2. Characters we have never seen before start dying. Our heroes, who normally will have sex with any green skinned, tentacle-handed woman who comes their way, somehow manage to avoid this particular pants fly trap.
3. Like any bad sexual experience early on in a relationship, this episode is referenced as little as possible for the rest of the series out of embarrassment .
Obviously, there are variations. We’ve decided to take a look the most ridiculous, goofy over the top Sci-Fi sexpisodes.
“Babylon 5” – “Acts of Sacrifice”
A lot of people rag on “Babylon 5” because the set shuddered when someone shut a door, but this episode is a great example of how the show could put a clever spin on an old trope.
The Plot: Commander Susan Ivanova is tasked with negotiating a treating with the Lumati, a particularly ugly and kind of Republican race that believes in survival of the fittest to an extreme. As such Correlilmurzon, the Lumati representative, is put off by the advanced medical facilities when touring the station and is only convinced to join in an alliance when he sees the homeless squalor of those living in the “Down Below” part of the station. Any race that lets their own people who can’t pull their own weight starve on their space stations is cool with him. There’s only one problem: Lumati seal deals with sex.
Redeeming Qualities: When Ivanova discovers that Correlilmurzon has no idea how humans mate, she stages a Vaudevillian version of a complete human relationship with wild, ridiculous dancing and singing “Boom-shaka-laka-boom!” The clever ruse works and a disappointed Correlilmurzon reluctantly leaves convinced he’s just had sex the human way, but with the promise, “Next time, my way.”
“Star Trek: The Original Series” – “The Man Trap”
The Plot: Scoobs and the gang transport down to a planet that does not have salt where they encounter a shapeshifting monster disguised as a woman from McCoy’s past that sucks all the, ah, salt out of crew members, luring them into its grasp by posing as an attractive person.
What makes this episode so amazing is that it was the first episode of “Star Trek” that ever aired. It was not intended to be the first episode, but I can only imagine that the network heard the description and were so excited by the thought of a sex monster that they just had to air it first. So if you liked Sci-Fi on September 8th, 1966 and were excited for this new show, this is what you saw.
Redeeming Qualities: I’m going to give it to “Star Trek” on this one because it throws in something that the other shows on the list don’t have: A little something for the ladies. That’s right, “Star Trek” wasn’t afraid to do some equal opportunity seduction of a woman by a man. There are a few other qualities in this episode that make it more redeemable as well.
Salt is something we actually have in our bodies. You might think that’s a silly thing to give a show credit for, but we’re working with a real low bar here. At least it kind of makes sense that a monster craving salt would kill people by draining the salt from their bodies.
The monster is actually pretty gross. I give them points on that front because it seems like at some point the people that make these shows decided they couldn’t make the monsters scary because it would be a turn off to young bucks watching at home. At least in this one you have the disconcerting thought that the creator preying on the Enterprise is pretty disgusting when its illusion is dropped.
“Star Trek: The Next Generation” – “The Naked Now”
In the TNG’s second episode, an infection is unleashed on the Enterprise that makes the crew feel drunk which is apparently 1987 TV shorthand for horny. Data proves he is fully functional.
The Plot: The crew come across a distress signal from a science vessel with a breached hull monitoring the collapse of a star. Only instead of terror, the science crew seems to be behaving like they’re at a University of Georgia Frat kegger. When the away team arrives they find the crew of the science vessel frozen to death in various stages of stripping. Geordi La Forge unknowingly brings the infection back and it quickly runs rampant, causing crew members to make out in the corridors and allowing for and infected Wesley to temporarily take over the ship. Tasha Yar, the pretty blonde security chief is particularly effected and makes advances on Deanna Troi before moving on to Data. The result of which is one of the funniest moments in the show’s history and my favorite Data expression ever. Look at that hopeful curiosity! This is Brett Spiner giving Patrick Stewart a run for his money as best actor on the show.
Redeeming Qualities: Data’s sexual fling is referred to again in the series. In the episode “The Measure of a Man”, Data must defend his humanity or risk being dismantled and experimented on by a gung-ho, unqualified scientist who is asserting that Data is Starfleet property. His hologram of Tasha Yar and his intimate moment with her is used as evidence that he is not an it.
“Torchwood” “Day One”
This was a weird one and easily the worst episode of the bunch. Pornos have better thought out stories than this. First off, they kill the most attractive woman in the cast in the first episode, then they have the sexpisode, which is just poor planning.
The Plot: So, a gaseous being that feeds on orgasmic energy crash lands on earth, possesses an attractive woman, and starts having sex with random blokes who turn into piles of dust when they climax as if they are all Hugh Hefner. Torchwood manage to track down this girl and bring her back to the secret lair where we find out that gas is building up inside the girl and will eventually cause her to explode. We see this play out in the show by her
bloating and swelling getting stomach cramps. Gwen Cooper gets mad at Captain Jack for his lack of human compasion. Then Gwen demonstrates her caring side by making out with the poor, possessed girl who is starving for orgasmic energy. How is that compassionate? Wouldn’t that be a little like throwing a glass of water in the face of a man dying of thirst? Next, resident hornball and Torchwood team member Owen Harper jumps into the cell with the girl knowing that she eats guys that she has sex with. He is seduced by her and somehow doesn’t die. So the sex starved alien had a willing and able idiot in front of her and she chooses not to kill him? Finally they trick the gaseous alien out of the body. Whew! The day is saved! Highfives all around. No loose plot threads except for the guys that were killed, who were apparently nameless drifters for all we’re supposed to care for them. Seriously, we can’t shed one tear for these guys?
Redeeming Qualities: None.
Know of any great, goofy episodes we missed? Let us know in the comments.
And if you like what you’ve read, make sure to follow me on Twitter.