This Convicted Felon Is Advertising On Craigslist To Be The Thanksgiving Date To Piss Off Your Family

Do you live in a state that’s predicted to have one of the worst Thanksgivings, but just want to ensure that your holiday is as awkward and acrimonious as possible? This East Nashville man is here to help! In a ad posted to Craigslist, this 28-year-old line cook offers to be your platonic date, whether alone for Thanksgiving, or — hey, let’s be honest — you just want to piss off your parents who won’t stop asking about babies and crap. I have to admit, his offer is not unattractive:

Here’s the full text:

It’s Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how youre still single? About how your parents really want more grand children? Well, look no further!

I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.

I can do these things, at your request:
openly hit on other female guests while you act like you dont notice.

start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion.

propose to you in front of everyone.

pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry, i dont drink, but i used to. alot. too much in fact. i know the drill).

Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see.

I require no pay but the free meal i will receive as a guest!

I’m not single and I don’t live in Nashville, but if I were and did, I would take him up on the offer solely on the grounds of that bitchin’-sounding van. A guy can change, and it certainly doesn’t hurt if he drives a vehicle painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar.

(Via Reddit)