In case you somehow missed it, on Monday afternoon news broke that the FBI had raided both the office and hotel room of Donald Trump’s longtime personal attorney Michael Cohen to seize documents related to Stormy Daniels, among other things, on the referral of Special Counsel Robert Mueller. This is actually huge news. There’s no speculation involved; no anonymous sources spilling to the Washington Post or New York Times. In other words, it was pretty much impossible for any major news organization to downplay.
Cut to Monday night, when Tucker Carlson did briefly touch upon the FBI’s raid, but his real-attention grabbing segment showed him asking the Fox News viewing audience to essentially hold his beer.
TUCKER IS ON IT pic.twitter.com/UIxHXlWHxF
— David Mack (@davidmackau) April 10, 2018
Yes, pandas. I know it’s difficult to believe that the same guy who, just recently, enlisted the help of Fabio as an expert on the economy of California would turn to pandas in a time like this, but hear me out — not only are the pandas aggressive but they are also sex crazed. Sex crazed killer pandas!
“You know the official story about pandas, they’re cute, they’re adorably helpless, which is why they’re almost extinct,” Carlson started off. “But like a lot of what we hear, that’s a lie. According to today’s Wall Street Journal, quote, the real panda is a secret stud with a taste for flesh and a fearsome bite.”
After noting that pandas could “easily kill you if they felt like it,” he continued with a straight face, pointing out that pandas are “not against sex,” they just “hate unsexy zoos.” He added, “in the wild, male pandas engage in a fierce sexual contest, [and] the winner has sex 40 times in a single afternoon.”
Suffice to say, Carlson’s in-depth reporting quickly and unsurprisingly earned himself the ridicule of the internet:
Breaking News on…
CNN: Cohen raided by FBI
NBC: Cohen raided by FBI
CBS: Cohen raided by FBI
ABC: Cohen raided by FBI
FOX: … pic.twitter.com/DRV9e1Q3ig— Patrick S. Tomlinson (@stealthygeek) April 10, 2018
For those still in disbelief that Tucker Carlson was talking about pandas instead of Trump's attorney getting raided by the feds pic.twitter.com/UP0IaappUA
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) April 10, 2018
— Conajam (@conajam) April 10, 2018
https://twitter.com/saladinahmed/status/983526281622016004
CNN: FBI raids Trump’s lawyer’s office.
NBC: FBI raids Trump’s lawyer’s office.
Fox News: Pandas are aggressive and sex-crazed. We’ll take a look at their role in Hillary’s pedophile pizza ring (dramatic pause) right after the break.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 10, 2018
Oh God the Tucker Carlson Tonight screengrab about how pandas are bad was real. pic.twitter.com/ItUCiS6U1C
— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) April 10, 2018
Me: Why did they think panda sex would make us forget about Cohen?
Husband: You’re thinking about this too hard.
Me: Not as hard as Tucker Carlson is thinking about it.
Husband: I’m not sure that’s true.— Celeste Ng (@pronounced_ing) April 10, 2018
When you're getting owned and are hoping people will talk about Tucker Carlson instead pic.twitter.com/3ERBneairy
— the federalist stinks!!!! (@rajandelman) April 10, 2018
https://twitter.com/GhostPanther/status/983539143899660288
Make up your mind, dude. pic.twitter.com/KI11IshyKV
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) April 10, 2018
Finally, obligatory:
Worked way better with the music. pic.twitter.com/GYPtRchlpx
— Jim Swift (@JimSwiftDC) April 10, 2018