From the Old Testament:
“And in Twitter’s fifth year, a milky-skinned, long-faced sprite named Gwyneth shall join Twitter, finally, and all of God’s people shall rejoice, for it shall be the final sign of the coming return of his son, Jesus, to take them all home. She shall tweet about her friendships with edgy hip-hop stars and express her long-standing, deep appreciation for their art, dish out recipes for tasty organic treats to the masses like a prostitute desperate for a loaf of bread dishes out the booty, and post twitpics of burning ducks being heaved into small bodies of water, and the masses will be be pleased, for it will show them that someone living the glamorous life can also be quite “normal.” She will announce her intentions to mingle online among her minions in a video, wearing white, like an angel, passing portable toilets on the street frequented by peasants, while tightening her minimal buttocks to hold in a pleasant-smelling fart until she concludes recording. And all shall be good in God’s kingdom.”