The UFC has been trying out a couple of new things lately. There’s the new owners who just started showing up at UFC 202. Putting a pro wrestler with no combat sports experience like CM Punk on the main card of a pay-per-view, that’s new too. And the fight promotion is also experimenting with artistic new ways to advertise their events, too. Recently there was a trippy collaboration involving Adult Swim and Ren & Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi. And now check out this animated cartoon made in conjunction with The Chive that tells a tale of CM Punk almost releasing his bowels during training.
“Unfortunately that day I had eaten something on the way to the gym that disagreed with me,” Punk recounts. “My stomach was kinda rumbling and I started thinking ‘Maybe I can just light spar today or just drill.’ And then when it came time to spar, Duke [Roufus, Punk’s head coach] was like ‘You’re going with me today.’ And I immediately was like all right, my focus for this sparring session is going to be ‘Don’t s**t your pants.’ ”
“The first thing Duke does to me is he goes hard to the body. When Duke opens up and throws that big right hand, it’s like being in a smart car being rear ended by a dump truck. Your immediate reaction is to go backwards and that’s definitely not what you want to do because then he’s not only throwing his concrete fists at you, he’s throwing his big oak tree legs at you.”
“And on top of having to sh*t your pants, you have this maniac coming at you with this look on his face that I can only describe as Emperor Palpatine electrocuting Luke at the end of Return of the Jedi. And I’m backing up and I’m just clenching my ass cheeks shut. He scores an easy takedown and now he’s just lying on me and I’ve got all of Duke’s 250 pounds basically just leaning on my colon, is what it feels like.”
“It’s the longest five minutes of my life and I’m sitting in a pool of my own sweat and drool, but thankfully not feces,” Punk concludes. “You gotta find it within yourself to not quit. It’s a good way to live your life, y’know: Just don’t s**t your pants.”
Words to live by, especially as Punk prepares to step into the cage at UFC 203 on Saturday to face Mickey Gall. No one knows how the fight is going to go at all, which is a big part of what makes it so intriguing. CM Punk could come out and shock us all with a gritty performance that exceeds all expectations. Or he might get beaten down so bad he s**ts his pants. MMA can be unforgiving like that. Good luck, Punk!
