‘Total Bellas’ Episode 1 Recap: Eight Simple Rules For Staying In My Cenage Foyer

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the very first With Spandex recap ever of Total Bellas, the show about the Bellas and their fellas. The conceit of this Total Divas spinoff is that when Nikki Bell had her very serious, career-threatening neck surgery, she wanted to have her beloved family members around her as she recuperated. So she invited her sister Brie, Brie’s husband Daniel Bryan, their brother JJ and his fiancée, and their mother and HER fiancée, John Laurinaitis, to live in her and John Cena’s house (read: John Cena’s house) for the duration of her three-month rehabilitation.

Basically, it’s The Real World, but instead of strangers, it’s the Bellas accompanied by their respective fellows. I don’t know how they’ll manage to repeat the concept for a potential second season, but allow me to suggest that the cast live together in John Cena’s fallout shelter during the post-apocalyptic hellscape of Trump’s America. Just spitballing here.

Anyway, on to the show! Let’s dig into the scrumptious morsel that is the debut episode of Total Bellas, my and your new favorite television program.

The show opens (following a delectable teaser of a cold open), as you would expect, following the fifth season of Total Divas, where Nikki got the diagnosis of her career-ending neck injury and Cena’s own injury that put him on shelf for three months. Nikki and Brie get the Total Divas viewers caught up to speed with Bryan’s attempted WWE being cut short by his retirement.

Then we get Nikki going in for surgery, accompanied by her whole support group … basically the whole cast of this show. This is accompanied by the first testimonials from JJ and Mother Bella, whose name is apparently Kathy! Huh! Who knew? They hammer home the risks of INVASIVE NECK SURGERY and we get footage of mid-surgery removal of a massive herniation of the spinal cord, accompanied by live commentary by the doctor performing the procedure.

Gross!

Brie talks about how things have gotten hard, which makes Nikki immediately think of boners. Oh no, now Brie is thinking of boners! Quick, think of a cold shower! And eight in a half minutes into the show, we hit the opening credits. Always toss to the open after boners.

The assorted Bellas and/or fellas begin making the move to Tampa to be with Nikki, as per the conceit of the show. DOG ON AN ESCALATOR ALERT.

For the first time, we get a real good look at the whole lay of Cena’s McMansion, which is even more McMansion-y than I originally thought.

OH THANK GOD IT’S JOHNNY ACE.

The Mother of Bellas talks about the “very special man in her life,” Johnny Ace, and then I sh*t you not, we get some Dynamic Dudes footage. New name, still the best show. Kathy speaks lovingly about the attractiveness of the TRUE Big Match John, which is accurate. Kathy says John also happens to live close to Cena. That’s probably because he’s a pro wrestler who lives in Tampa. Brian Knobs “lives close” to John Cena.

Everyone shows up to move in and Brie talks about how different she and Bryan are from Nikki and John. The two dogs, Josie and Winston, get to know each other. I sense we are going to get a lot of dog friends shots this season.

Bryan asks, since they’re there to help Nicole, what can they actually do to help her. Nikki reveals she’ll need a chauffeur, and someone to pick up things for her, and someone to mind the dog. Bryan quickly takes stock of this and turns to Brie to say, “We’re clowns.” Oh, come now, Bryan. I prefer to think of you at least as “The Help.”

Nikki reveals that John is insisting on having a family dinner with the house’s occupants once a week. It seems we’re about to get to the sizzle on this steak. Cena says it’s almost time for dinner, so Nikki tells Brie to change her clothes and put on makeup. I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

A short time later, Bryan and JJ are in suits. Bryan asks whether he should tuck his pant legs into his socks in possibly his most endearing moment ever.

We get an extremely Downton Abbey-esque montage of the formal dinner finery in the mansion, complete with Downton theme soundalike playing in the background. The others descend the grand staircase and Nikki immediately clocks that Brie and Bryan are not wearing shoes, which is a bit of a no-no for a formal dinner. John and Nikki are going to be awesome when they have kids. “Rutherford, we’ve told you and told you: no opening Christmas presents until you’ve put on a fresh cravat.”

During the opening pour of red wine, a droplet gets onto the linen tablecloth and Cena immediately springs into action.

Cena’s insistence that he must act on this bit of housekeeping at this moment, and his deadpan delivery of “It’s Wine-Out” is so perfect and precious, you don’t even know. “You gotta get it out immediately. You gotta get it out immediately.” I’m looking forward to finicky fusspot John Cena one million percent.

Case in point: before their initial dinner toast, Cena launches into the house rules, which he says are very simple. An edited version of this opens the episode, because it is bonkers wonderful, but we get the entire thing in full here, and it’s so glorious I’m surprised Bobby Roode’s theme isn’t playing under it. The entire spiel is delivered in an uninterrupted monologue, intercut with his houseguests’ disbelieving expressions as they down their wine and pray for it to come to an end.

For your enjoyment, a verbatim transcript of John Cena’s Simple House Rules:

“Formal dinner once every week, usually on Wednesday. Shoes are encouraged for formal dinner, so [we’re] good [for] tonight by obeying the rules, but wear a clean set of shoes.

“Respect the house as if it was your own. And if your own habits are leaving your towels on the floor, not attending to your laundry, not making your bed every day, then change your habits and respect ours.

“Every evening after formal dinner is over, the ladies will retreat to the drawing room, which is upstairs. The men will retreat to the cigar room. Every morning we will have morning coffee together. We will have an evening fire outside. 

“Trash. Trash is picked up every Monday. There are four 62-gallon trash cans.

“Don’t flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet.

“Don’t try your luck.

“The doors. [Gets up to demonstrate the door handles.] To shut: Shut. Lift.

“This place is on three lakes. There are gators. If you walk towards one, you get what you f*cking deserve.

“If you guys are going to be up late, please text me or tell me. Because this is a shoot-first state, and I have a lot of guns.”

Nikki agrees that Cena has a lot of rules, as she knows all too well, since she did have to sign a contract to live there with her boyfriend. She says that the house is literally his baby, which explains a lot. Brie asks about what to do with her dog’s poop and the answer is similarly lengthy. She immediately regrets agreeing to live there.

They go over the rules again, because there are questions, and then we finally get to toast. To family!

And now that dinner is finally over, the women do indeed retire to the drawing room for port and the men do indeed retire to the cigar room, as per their instructions. In the cigar room, Cena says that he got bottled water, just for Bryan. What a nice g– wait, were you drinking Tampa tap water this whole time, my dude? You just warned people about the gators.

Cena asks Bryan about his transition following his retirement and Cena correctly states that the man has such a brilliant mind for wrestling, so why wouldn’t he want to do something behind the scenes or in a different capacity? Bryan admits he’s still getting used to his new life and without wrestling, he’s left with an empty feeling.

After Cigar Room Times, Bryan checks on Brie, who is hanging out with Josie downstairs because she couldn’t handle Josie crying about being in a strange new place with all these rules. Bryan cuddles Josie and gets a very prolonged nostril-licking from her.

The next morning, Bryan leaves for a comic convention in New Orleans, so he gets an immediate reprieve from The Rules. I bet he’s going to leave towels on the floor of his hotel room like a motherf*cker. Meanwhile, Nikki, Brie, JJ and Kathy go to meet Cena for Nikki’s first happy hour since her surgery. It’s the milestones that keep you going.

They meet Cena at the restaurant, and he’s easy to spot, because he’s dressed like Cesar Romero with less restraint.

Cena is being such a gentleman that he only gets HALFWAY through a “that’s what she said” joke. It’s difficult for him though, because not only does Nikki say “John came,” but she also says “I wanna be a seaman.” John basically shoots steam out of his ears because he wants to scream “LOL JIZZ” so bad, but he allows Brie to do the dirty work for him this time.

Brie orders a side of pickles to go with their next round, so Nikki asks if Brie is pregnant. Brie spills the beans (Brie-ns) that she has to have sex to get pregnant, which isn’t happening right now. JJ refers to sex as “Boom-boom,” which appropriately makes everyone stop mid-conversation. Nikki says it’s been hard for her and Cena as well lately, because they haven’t had sex two nights in a row now. A new low for their turgid, throbbing relationship. Nikki clarifies that yes, she currently has to keep the neck brace on during sex. Adjust your creepy fanfic accordingly.

Kathy excuses herself from the table for a phone call while the Bellas (and two fellas) talk about the intricacies of their sex lives. Brie says she and Bryan stop whenever the dog wants to cuddle, that Bryan doesn’t know what a quickie is, and the words “hand job” are bandied about. Basically, Brie is frustrated because sex with Bryan is always an intimate, considerate and prolonged affair. As Cena says, “intimacy is intimacy.” I really just can’t do this scene justice. Please seek it out for yourselves.

Cena departs and the Bellas retire to a different restaurant for post-happy hour drinks and champagne. Kathy wonders why they all invited her out, and Brie immediately starts talking to Nikki about the kama sutra. Kathy clarifies that she doesn’t want every conversation to be about how her daughters bone, so Brie asks when was the last time their mom did the nasty. Kathy responds “Last night” with a waggle of her head and a sh*t-eating grin.

That’s right, JJ, talk about your sisters’ boom-boom all you want, but your mother revealing herself as a sexual being is a bridge too far. Before they drop the subject, Brie asks Kathy whether it was a quickie. After a pause, Kathy says, “It doesn’t take him an hour to get off, I can tell you that.” Adjust your Johnny Ace fanfic accordingly.

The next day, it’s pool time at the old Cena place!

Josie is going kind of crazy because of the air pump Cena is using to blow up pool toys. When he goes inside to get something, Josie runs up and bites him on the thigh. THE EVIDENCE:

Cena says it can’t happen again. Everyone is stunned Josie would do that. Cena suggests Nikki call Animal Control and they come to take Josie away. JJ calls Bryan to tell him what happened. Later, JJ, Kathy and Nikki are driving around and they agree that Josie needs training.

While they’re talking, they see Florida animal control capturing an alligator on the side of the road, so JJ immediately pulls the car over and hops out to take an up-close picture. I guess SOMEBODY didn’t remember the rules.

Kathy is concerned that they had just walked Josie along this same stretch of road. She asks animal control about that and they’re wonderfully blasé about the realities of living in Florida.

Apparently Cena wasn’t kidding and his neighborhood is just crawlin’ with gators.

Bryan finally returns to the house and he and Cena have an uncomfortable situation about what to do about the Josie situation. Bryan says that he and Brie can generally tell when Josie gets wound up and they take her away from the situation. Cena again makes it clear that this simply cannot happen again.

Currently, Josie has to remain on leash and is confined to the guest house, so JJ, Brie and Bryan head out to the yard to build a dog run without asking permission first. HEY, “DON’T BUILD A DOG RUN” WASN’T ON JOHN CENA’S LIST OF RULES, BACK OFF.

Nikki comes out to see what they’re doing and the Bella twins are immediately mortified that they’ve accidentally worn essentially the same outfit.

It’s okay, Brie; Nikki is still wearing a hat of sorts.

Nikki clarifies that they shouldn’t have started doing this without asking. Brie snaps at Nikki and Nikki says, “Don’t ever raise your voice at me.” Then she goes inside and mentions that she has to leave in 15 minutes and someone will have to drive her.

Brie and Bryan are at their breaking point re: the house and the rules and they’re ready to just beat feet and head back to Scottsdale.

At the next formal dinner, Bryan is wearing shoes! He’s also hanging out timidly in the foyer like a kid who is waiting for church service to start and is already on thin ice, mister.

Brie puts it on Bryan to be the one to tell Cena that they’re heading back to Arizona. Bryan doesn’t want to do it and says she has to. He points out he’s her because of her, and if they leave, he’s leaving because of her.

At dinner, Nikki spills the beans about the dog run incident and it sort of escalates from there until Nikki reveals that everyone is terrified of John and his rules. John is blindsided.

Brie says she walks on eggshells around him because he’s so stern and serious all the time and there are so many rules. Cena suggests he should talk in a cartoon voice.

He then gets real and starts over. “Hi, my name’s John. I’m extremely difficult to leave with. Nicole knows this.” He offers a mea culpa for being so over-the-top and Nikki hilariously takes a moment to throw shade at Cena because she still isn’t f*cking engaged.

Cena says he’ll try to be more open and that they shouldn’t be afraid to talk to him about things, and they’ll work stuff out. He says there will be ups and downs during their stay, but they’ll get through it together. Brie and Bryan don’t seem entirely convinced.

And that’s the show! We get a “this season on Total Bellas” montage, and it looks like there are some really good things in store.

REALLY good things.