This season was only six episodes long! That’s a little shocking, but if I’m being honest, this was sort of the perfect length for this miniseries/spinoff/whatever. If you want to find our other Total Bellas coverage, check out the tag page. And you can find all things Total Divas right over here. So without further ado, let’s get down to business and recap the latest episode of the greatest television franchise known to man. The Bellas and their fellas!
We DON’T pick up where we left off last week, which was with Kathy at the doctor because she felt some lumps six weeks ago and hasn’t gotten checked out yet. Instead, we start in Arizona at Brie and Bryan’s house, two days before Johnny and Kathy’s wedding. Brie is packing, but she says Bryan is staying home, because his doctors don’t want him traveling or being around a lot of people right now, because he needs to decompress.
Everyone is sad Bryan can’t make it to the wedding. Even Josie!
Nikki calls from the breast cancer facility and that’s when I realize Brie hasn’t heard about this news yet. Nikki explains what’s happening. Brie can’t even believe all the stuff that’s going wrong right now.
Back in Florida, Nikki and Kathy go in for the results of an ultrasound. The doctor confirms what Kathy thought: it’s likely a bulge in her implant. There’s no mass, no cancer. Nikki says it’s beyond a relief. On with the wedding!
Brie and Lauren arrive in Florida and all sorts of people have begun showing up for the impending nuptials.
Nikki wants to get Brie back on track for her final match at WrestleMania, and signs her up to train with an MMA grappling coach in Florida, because she wants Brie to “spice things up” for her retirement match. Brie very quickly latches on to the fact that Nikki is living vicariously through her, because she’s nervous about her own career potentially being over.
When they get to the MMA dojo, Brie is excited to train with the guys there, because she wants to have the “perfect ending” to her match. Johnny Ace helps by demonstrating a good spot for Brie to do her big reversal: a Steiner Recliner!
And we get to see the first time Brie did that bomb-ass reversal into a Yes Lock. Turns out Bryan had nothing to do with that!
While Brie is getting her makeup done, she reveals that Bryan also won’t be at WrestleMania for her last match, and she’s understandably bummed about it. Nikki, meanwhile, vents to a relative that she’s going nuts not being able to wrestle.
Late the night before the wedding, Johnny Ace says he loves them all and is honored to be a part of the family. He gets choked up and starts crying.
Everyone is very touched by his show of emotion and he says he feels like he just got back what he lost when his first wife passed away.
In the house, Brie starts talking about her house again and Nikki is like, “Oh, you still want kids? I thought because Bryan is depressed.” Dot dot dot. Brie is sick of Nikki making digs at her and Bryan and she says she should back the helllll off. Brie says she will always take Bryan’s side and will get through this with him, whether it takes six months or five years. Nikki says she doesn’t feel like Bryan has been honest with Brie. Brie thinks Nikki should keep her opinions to herself from now on.
TOTALLY NOT AWKWARD.
The next day: it’s wedding day! John Cena arrives while everyone is getting ready. Nikki is overjoyed he’s here because he makes all the clouds and bad feelings go away. Nicole goes upstairs, where Brie is texting with Bryan. Brie is still being chilly to her. They start going at it again and Nikki says Brie doesn’t have courage in her marriage.
Brie says she would never come at Nikki about Cena like this, especially not before their mom’s wedding. Nikki says she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do if Brie won’t open up to her, and Brie says she’s never opening up to her again.
Soon it’s time for family photos and Nikki and Brie both point out how awkward it is. Brie is absolutely ready to get on a plane and head back to Phoenix. Nikki pulls Brie into a bedroom to make up, because she’s sick of being upset about this. They both understand that all Nikki wants is for Brie to be happy, but Nikki needs to understand there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for this difficult time. They make up just in time for the wedding! Which is on a yacht!
Still no Road Warrior Animal. He must have been helping Paul Ellering get out of a scrape or something. The wedding goes off without a hitch (well, Kathy flubs a few lines of her vows, but that’s typical wedding stuff). Everyone is full of love and happiness and parties down.
Yes, just like that.
THREE DAYS LATER in Phoenix, Brie and Bryan meet with Dr. Jain, who has been giving Bryan some natural remedies that have been helping him with his headaches and his sleep. Brie is trying the treatments too, so they have a couple’s IV.
NOTE: this would probably be a terrible first date. Brie says she wants to do a bikini photo shoot before she becomes a mom. Bryan says he wants to do a dick photo shoot, so everyone can see the outline of his penis before it becomes a dad penis, and he has gross old dad balls. That’s smart!
Nikki and John visit with Dr. Uribe, her neck doctor, to make sure everything is going well. It does! Everything seems to be going well. He tells her that she doesn’t have to wear her hard brace when she’s in public, and he clears her for WrestleMania, as long as she doesn’t get physically involved.
TWO DAYS LATER, Sandra, the former WWE seamstress that we met way back in Total Divas season one, comes to John’s house to help Nikki and Brie design some cool new gear for WrestleMania. Brie gets emotional, because it’s really starting to set in that she’s almost at the end of her wrestling career.
Next stop, WrestleMania.
And that’s … the end of Total Bellas! For now, at least. The great news (the BEST news) is that Total Divas starts up again NEXT WEEK, so we’ll see you back here for that. Until then, live every day like it’s a Bellabration. We get to see Johnny’s house and it’s just as dope as Cena’s, but maybe a bit more lived-in. And I start wondering if we’re going to see Road Warrior Animal at some point during this wedding weekend.
