Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Seth Rollins triumphantly returned from injury, dramatically dropped his crutch and debuted his new “Kingslayer” shirt in time to look like a hero for like 30 seconds before Triple H got back in the ring and re-injured him for several minutes.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for March 20, 2017.
Best: Babyfaces Done Right, For Once, Or
Worst: Stephanie McMahon Destroys All The Babyfaces For An Entire Hour
So, as mentioned in the Previously On portion of the pre-show notes, last week’s show ended with Triple H and Stephanie McMahon brutally emasculating Mick Foley until Seth Rollins returned to make the save. Once Rollins did that, Triple H got back into the ring and beat the shit out of Rollins. It felt like it was too much in one week, but a lot of the feedback said, “maybe it’s just exciting storytelling, and the next few weeks will keep it going! There’s still so much story to tell!”
We’ll get to this week’s three hours of primetime television boiling down to “Triple H talks for a quarter hour, then makes a match that was already made and Seth Rollins never shows up, except in video packages where concerned old people talk about how stupid he is for trying to wrestle” in a minute, but for now, let’s talk Steph.
The show opens with Mick Foley reading a prepared statement a la Lance Storm, then getting indignant about having been handed a prepared statement, ripping it up and standing up for himself. Like the last few weeks, it continues Foley’s transition from “bumbling company man” to MICK FOLEY, a guy who made a living setting himself on fire and falling onto beds of nails and exploding shit before he was the Santa Dad with the sock hand and the snot-nosed kids. In this and in the backstage segments that follow, Foley feels real again, probably helped by the fact that he’s just talking instead of reading hacky dialogue he got handed 45 minutes ago.
When Stephanie shows up to emasculate him again, Sami Zayn shows up to (1) pay off the months of “Mick Foley is my hero/Mick is pushing me to the breaking point” stories, and (2) to be SAMI ZAYN. Character consistency is one of the most frustrating things about Raw, so having Sami stand up for what’s right instead of what’s smart was lovely. The guy loses 80% of his matches, but it’s easy to like him because he’s always been like this. When they turn him into a sassy entitled guy — aka a normal WWE babyface — he loses what makes him special as a fictional being, and it becomes harder to care about him through those Ls he takes.
A lot of this is just to set up the same tired old Raw stuff, but I wanted to take a second to appreciate the work Foley and Zayn put into making the opening as believable, identifiable and compelling as it was. It felt like an actual character conflict instead of guys saying stuff, Stephanie saying “stop saying stuff” and the guys making grumpy faces because they can’t do anything. Even though, you know, it was still exactly that.
Stephanie McMahon, on the other hand, is Stephanie McMahon.
She ends the opening by firing Mick Foley, putting Sami Zayn in a match with a guy who routinely destroys him, and … suffering no consequences. And then she spends the remainder of the episode invalidating the last few weeks of TV by rearranging the Women’s Championship match at WrestleMania AND trying to rearrange the Tag Team Championship match at WrestleMania because people involved in them were passingly nice to Mick Foley. It’s one of those times when WWE creative thinks the authority figure has to be 1999 Vince McMahon, without the 1999 roster, 1999 story context or “1999” around him.
It’s a hard thing to explain, especially during WrestleMania season, when a bunch of casual fans come back having not sat through the past 8 months and are like, “why are you so pessimistic about everything? They’re just setting up for the comeuppance at WrestleMania!” And I don’t know how to say, “no, they really aren’t,” without accidentally validating the first half of their concern.
Like, look. What comeuppance did Triple H and Stephanie get at WrestleMania 30? They lost the story to Daniel Bryan, but were immediately back on top and in possession of the championship having confirmed their suspicions that Daniel Bryan was a B+ player a couple of months later. Nothing changed, nothing was affected. WrestleMania 31? Ronda Rousey throws Triple H and Stephanie around, then never appears again. The Authority never did anything to Ronda before or after, and continued lording over a roster full of people who DIDN’T get to do that to them. WrestleMania 32? Triple H loses the title and Stephanie gets speared, but by accident, everyone hates the match and as soon as it’s over we’re back to a McMahon power struggle and Stephanie controlling everybody on Raw. Then Triple H comes back, and we’re back to The Authority just kicking everybody’s asses all the time and being smug about it, because they can. It’s not just the WrestleManias, either. Remember Survivor Series 2014? Team Authority got beaten and the good guys won, until John Cena almost immediately reversed that decision to save one of his enemies and reset the entire thing.
I think what I’ve always been trying to say is that I don’t want situational comeuppance. I don’t want someone to just smack Stephanie in the face or pin her in a match. I want something that moves the story forward after years and years and years and years and years of the same Authority vs. Hero, Hero wins, Authority resets and nothing changes bullshit. If the bad guys aren’t fundamentally altered by ANYTHING that happens EVER, what are we looking forward to? Does anybody ever win? Wrestling’s supposed to be a reflection of our society, sure, but fuck, can’t these characters grow and evolve and change outside of instantaneous decisions that change their t-shirts and catchphrases and what side of the ring they stand on? It’s like an NFL where the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl every year, and not just 5 of the last 16.
I guess I’m just an old person watching Teletubbies, asking them to not laugh at the sun this time.
Best: The Demon Joe
I feel like the entire roster should watch Samoa Joe matches, and pay attention to the intensity he brings to every single thing that happens. Joe never seems like a guy who’s in the ring doing his job, trying to perform and entertain for You, The WWE Universe. He feels like a pro wrestler who knows he’ll win the match if he kicks your ass hard enough. He’s the exact opposite of Dolph Ziggler.
Joe is once again tasked with handing out These Ls to Sami Zayn, and hey, you could get a lot worse than these two opening Raw with 13 minutes of actual wrestling. It sucks to see Sami continue to be a torn up logo tee away from becoming the Brooklyn Brawler, but I’m pretty sure nobody should beat Joe right now. The best part of the match is when Sami accidentally busts open Joe’s Achilles eyebrow and Joe goes FULL DEMON on him. Look at this dude:
Joe is getting possessed by the spirit of the Undertaker and Sami’s face is turning purple. I love how hard they’ve worked to put over the Coquina Clutch as a death move. It’s not the STF where you almost always get to the ropes, or the modern Sharpshooter that never finishes anyone, or the WWE ankle lock where all you have to do is move your body in any direction and it breaks the hold. If Joe grabs you in the Clutch, you’re done. There’s barely even any fighting out of it. Brother tore up Seth Rollins’ knee WITH A CHOKE. Keep that move strong as long as you can, please and thank you.
Best: I’ll Be Mickin’ You
Mick Foley wandering around saying goodbye to various Raw guys was great, for a few reasons.
- His goodbye with Sami Zayn was pretty touching, both for Sami’s inherent sincerity as a Decent Human Being and for the very real interaction of trying to hug someone who’s sweaty. If you’ve ever done that, you know the “oh, I’m sweaty” “it’s okay, whoops, now I’m sweaty going forward” thing. I love this version of Sami and hope he stays. If he’s a loser AND an asshole, it’s never going to work. I mean, unless they just have him start winning and SAY it worked, which is the shortcut they always do.
- Foley’s interaction with Sheamus and Cesaro helped humanize them a little, especially given how bad their segment is later in the show.
- Foley accidentally smacking Lince Dorado, who might as well be the Invisible Man, in the face
- The hug with Bayley, who might as well have opened the interaction by saying, “can we be NXT for a minute? Here.”
- Gauche-ass Triple H lurking by the exit to taunt Mick on the way out like he’s The Rock singing ‘Jailhouse Rock’ to Stone Cold Steve Austin in Sacramento
Worst: See You Never, Dana
After months of teasing, badly-timed time off and lots of swerve takebacks, Dana Brooke finally stood up for herself and threw hands at Charlotte. The crowd was pretty mild for it because the timing was so off. And because Dana turning had become a real Boy Cries Wolf situation. And because they’d just watched Dana lose clean in like 30 seconds.
But it happened, and this week we … blow it off? What is this, Lucha Underground? Dana sticks to forearms and, uh, grounded forearms and other things she can’t screw up too badly and has a passable but not very good match that she loses, again, cleanly. To Charlotte’s dumb transitional big boot that only finishes people off distractions.
So is that it? Is Dana just done now? Does she disappear into the darkness and reemerge alongside Evil Emma, assuming Emma actually Comes Soon and isn’t just waiting 17 more weeks to turn into Mortis? Do they give her the David Otunga “you can’t wrestle but you seem nice and do other stuff, so now you’re an ambassador” thing? Or is this just another long con so she can show up at WrestleMania and forearm Bayley in the face?
Speaking of Bayley …
Worst: Nia Jax Has Pinned The Women’s Champion!
In the first of two (ugh) non-title losses for champions on this episode, Bayley gets punished by Stephanie McMahon and put into a no disqualification match against Nia Jax. The stipulation says that if Jax can pin Bayley, she gets added to the Raw Women’s Championship match at WrestleMania.
In WWE you have a 95% chance of winning a non-title match against a champion, so Nia just kind of kicks Bayley’s ass in and pins her clean. This is a week after Nia “lost” by kicking Bayley’s ass too much. So, as usual, beating the champion doesn’t make you the champion, it gives you a shot at beating the champion twice. They’re so forever in love with this, and I will never understand it. Champions losing non-title matches should be the most shocking thing in the world, not how 20% of matches end every week.
Worst: Sheamus And Cesaro Have Pinned The Tag Team Champions!
In the second of two non-title losses for champions on this episode, Sheamus and Cesaro get punished by Stephanie McMahon and put into a handicap match against The Club and Enzo and Big Cass. The stipulation says that if Sheamus and Cesaro don’t win, they’re out of the Raw Tag Team Championship match at WrestlemMania.
In WWE you have a 95% chance of winning a non-title match against a champion and like, a 94% chance of winning a handicap match, so The Club beat up their own partners and get their asses kicked by Sheamus and Cesaro. This is the latest in a string of handicap and non-title losses for The Club, who managed to win at Fastlane and almost nowhere else. So, as usual, beating the champions doesn’t make you the champions, it gives you a shot at beating the champions twice. A shot you already earned, but had to earn again because one of your bosses doesn’t like one of your other bosses and you talked to the wrong one.
If you’re wondering what’s going on with The New Day, they’ve gone from being the longest reigning Tag Team Champions in WWE history to being backstage non-wrestlers who are excited to watch other people wrestle and pretty clearly wish they’d just gotten the night off.
Best: The Real Kevin Owens
If you’re like me and have spent the last 20 years in love with the glorious creativity and entertainment of heel Chris Jericho while simultaneously living in fear and/or agony thanks to the horny 3rd-grader shit of face Chris Jericho, you probably expected his “Real Kevin Owens” segment to be, like, Owens’ face photoshopped on the ass of a hippo. And then Jericho would start calling him HIPPOWENS, and the crowd would chant “Hippowens,” and when Owens tried to respond Jericho would hit him with the classic, “would you please … shut … the hell … up!” And then, like, the apes from the new Planet of the Apes movie would show up and hit Owens in the dick with a pie.
The good news is that Jericho is determined to end arguably the greatest run of his career — technically third best, behind Conspiracy Victim Jericho and Evil Suit Jericho — on top. Instead of photoshop, Jericho shows a picture of Owens wearing a Y2J shirt and doing Y2J poses as a teen, and shares DMs Owens sent him years ago asking for advice. Instead of corny jokes, Jericho comes with the HOT FIRE, saying he was never Owens’ friend, he’s Owens’ IDOL, and how he’s going to put the fear of God in him or whatever at WrestleMania. He ends it with a surprisingly contextual paragraph of catchphrases, culminating with a threat to put Owens on The List. It’s a collected masterwork. It’s like watching Akira Kurosawa’s Dreams as a wrestling promo.
And the best part is that it ends with Samoa Joe showing up with no musical accompaniment and briefly distracting Jericho so Owens can jump him. Triple H’s cadre of pissed-off husky dudes who aren’t playing is the best. I also really like that Jericho was allowed to try and fight back, instead of just blithely getting beaten down. The crowd’s chanting “asshole” at Owens, and if I don’t believe anything else at WrestleMania, I believe we’re headed into the blowoff match that Jericho deserves, and the first great WrestleMania moment of Kevin Owens.
Love it.
Best/Worst: Hold Me Harmless, Tiny Dancer
Okay, so last week they burned through three weeks of quality TV by having Seth Rollins return, reveal that he’s no longer injured and ready to fight, beating up Triple H, then getting beaten up BY Triple H and re-injured. This week, the announce team checks in with Seth’s doctors, who make sad Muppet faces and say there’s no way Rollins will be medically cleared to compete by Mania, and that there are no doctors in the world that would clear him. Not even the Z-pak can save him now.
So later in the show, Michael Cole has a sitdown interview with Triple H where H basically reads the last three paragraphs of last week’s Raw report, offers Rollins some comp tickets to Mania and says he’ll fight him if Rollins agrees to make it “Hold Harmless.” That’s the on-brand way of saying “non-sanctioned” now, I guess. Either that, or he challenged him to a Dean Ambrose Suicide Dive match.
Just to say it, this would’ve been great if they’d done it like they would’ve on an old NWA show. I’m not asking for any ridiculous moral shit like I normally do, so stay with me here. If they’d done a 60 second interview with the doctor where the doctor’s like, “yup, he’s up shit creek,” then had Triple H wander out to the announce area in a suit and sunglasses to be like, “oh, he’s hurt? Too bad. If nobody will clear him to wrestle, how about he signs a waiver and we have a non-sanctioned fight? I already hurt him, so I’m happy to hurt him some more!” And then he Woos or whatever and bails. Instead, we got like, 20 minutes of Triple H sitting in a chair talking about how great he is, which would be a great way to build a heel for the story if we hadn’t been watching him do this consistently since 1999. Get your shit in and get out, man. Less is more sometimes.
What We Did Inside The Purple Ropes This Week
Up first for the cruiserweights this week is the ultimate Cruiserweight Division Match Nobody Cares About, TJ Perkins vs. An Brian Kendrick. Kendrick wins by pulling Perkins’ hair and kinda sorta outsmarting him once, because TJP’s got the ring savvy of Maria Menounos at best.
After the match we get maybe the dumbest occurrence of the week: a gassed-out promo from Kendrick about how Akira Tozawa can’t be here tonight because he left his passport lying around in the locker room. And then he holds up the passport. That’s apparently a lesson, but I think the lesson should be, “how to get home to Japan without your passport, but be unable to get back,” followed by the equally important, “you should fly home to Japan after every match and fly back on Monday.” Also, “do not check your pockets.” I don’t know.
After that, we have Austin Aries continuing to get over by hitting the shit out of people. Last week, he beat Ariya Daivari. This time he’s up against ‘The Premier Athlete’ Tony Nese. Now that he’s beaten Glass Joe and Von Kaiser, he moves on to face Piston Honda next week. That’s how the Minor Circuit goes, right?
After the match, Aries and Neville exchange some awkwardly-written words about their match at WrestleMania. Sorry, “at the WrestleMania kickoff.” I’m excited for that, though, both for the general quality of the wrestlers involved, and for the chance that Aries will get too snug with a dropkick or an elbow or whatever and Neville will break bad on him. I also hope Neville does something to interrupt that Pendulum Elbow Drop, because that’s a hell of a lot of buildup for like an elbow from three feet up. Although what am I saying, the two most popular moves in WWE history are the People’s Elbow and the Worm.
Best: UPROXX Love On Raw
Next year they’re gonna hit us up to “first report” news about Don Owen going into the Hall of Fame, watch.
Best: Top Level In-Ring Storytelling
This week’s main event is the least important part of the main event. It’s Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman, which is, like the Fastlane match, pretty dope until it gets to the part where Roman Reigns stops being a competitive wrestler and John Cenas his way to victory. I use that in the classic 2005-2014 definition. Braun is the greatest, though, and I’m consistently surprised by how impressive he is as both a performer and a straight-forward talker.
Anyway, this is all a setup for Roman Reigns to almost win the match and get interrupted by The Undertaker’s Dong. Taker teleports into the middle of the ring, has an endless, video-package-friendly staredown with Roman, then turns around and chokeslams Braun Strowman like a chump. Braun is really getting shafted in this feud, assuming he’s just a plot device to push forward the singles match and is ending up in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. He looks like a loser every time Taker’s around, whereas Roman Reigns barely cares about any of it.
Not gonna dwell too much on that, though, because there’s a great moment of in-ring storytelling right after that. Taker turns around and chokeslams Braun, then gets this look on his face that at first reads as “I hurt myself and I’m SO OLD,” but upon closer look becomes, “I slipped up and shouldn’t have turned my back on Roman Reigns.” Watch as his face realizes he’s about to get speared before his body does:
I love that. Undertaker has always been great at emotionally selling tiny moments in the life of an Aging Tough Guy, even when the situation around him doesn’t necessarily deserve or call for it. It’s the only thing that made those Triple H WrestleMania End of an Era matches worth watching, I think. Even when the story is “hit each other with weapons and lay down,” the guy turns it into a Clint Eastwood performance.
It’s also great if none of this is true, and after he chokeslammed Braun he was like, “shit, I left my George Foreman plugged in” and just turned around into a spear. I know I project on these shows sometimes, so whatever works.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Baron Von Raschke
I know that Superman Punch while Roman was being held up by Strowman was supposed to look awesome….but it looked like a scene from Dirty Dancing.
Ryse
Wow, Strowman’s chinlock. You know, I’m always impressed when a man of Braun’s size can bust out cruiserweight moves.
Royal Bumble
Cole just used “penultimate” correctly. Is this … is this the darkest timeline?
TedBelmont
Tony Nese should wrestle in khakis and a polo and call himself The Premiere Mathlete.
Big Baby Yeezus
You know they say all shows are created equal, but you look at Smackdown and you look at Raw and you can see that statement is not true. See normally, you got a 50/50 chance at a good show but Stephanie is THE WORST and she’s not normal so you got 25%, AT BEST, at a good raw. Then you add HHH to the mix and your chances at a good raw drastic go down.
jmcauslin
HHH: Seth Rollins is weak.
Michael: Well, thanks for being on the show.
HHH: Ok FINE I’ll cripple Seth Rollins.
Aces
“Well see, in WWE, once someone becomes the champion, they consistently get put in matches that aren’t for the title, which almost always causes the champion to lose the match see?”
*blank stare*
“You’re right. I don’t know why I watch it either.”
AJ Dusman
“There can only be one bad ass Samoan in this family.”
*Reigns comes out and Superman punches Nia.*
Mark Silletti
a short list of ways to improve raw on a week to week basis:
-take steph off tv forever
Redshirt
Roman Reigns is like a hypothetical “what if” scenario if Dwayne Johnson stayed Rocky Maivia and never became The Rock. And had his natural charisma and personality taken from him by a gypsy curse.
That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading, as always, and be sure to be back here next week for the ULTIMATE stop on the road to the ULTIMATE THRILL RIDE, WrestleMania Sun. Drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of the episode, click those share buttons to spread the column around, and give us some love on Twitter and Facebook. Your racist friends AND your mom need to read this.
Until then, let’s go back and watch Southpaw Regional Wrestling again. It’s a 20-minute chicken commercial, and also the best thing they’ve done in years.
They should seriously do Big Bart with Christian Joy vs. Sea Creature with Mr. Mackleroy during the WrestleMania kickoff.
