Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and—hopefully—friend. It’s been a month of recaps, so I really do hope you consider me a friend now. No, I won’t be your plus one to your high school friend’s wedding, but you can like follow me on Twitter or whatever.
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world.
Previously: You should just read last week’s recap. That’s what they’re here for.
ACE: Stay Focused Never Let Go Be Grateful Follow Your Dreams Believe In Yourself
Impact kicks off with a look back at the aftermath of Sonjay Dutt finally winning the X-Division Championship, and does so with the power of platitudes. I mean, it absolutely works here, because this is a genuine story that seemingly struck lightning in a bottle to get to where it is. But if you’re going to tell us to follow our dreams, might I suggest you also tell us to face our fears?
Also, since it’s become kind of necessary to compare Impact’s Sonjay story with WWE’s Jinder Mahal story (despite the different character dynamics), you know what the most refreshing aspect of all of this is? No, it’s not the fact that Sonjay’s championship celebration is lit AF. It’s that Sonjay flat out addresses the fact that he’s American born and raised, but as the child of Indian immigrants, he was still raised with all the customs and treated differently growing up because of his culture. But India is still his home in a greater sense, and when he’s here — to steal from the Olive Garden for the first time in my life — he’s family. He even busts out a positive “you people” when talking about the Indian fans.
Guys, Sonjay Dutt is kind of awesome.
EH: REPEAT! REPEAT! REPEAT!
From last week’s recap:
The Sony SIX Gauntlet Battle Royal is kind of a weird match, as fun as it is. You see, it starts with Matt Sydal and Suicide, which made me think it was an X-Division thing at first, and then Davey Richards’ arrival didn’t change that line of thinking, especially since it still guaranteed a pretty high quality gauntlet battle royal. Swoggle’s arrival also didn’t change the X-Division theory, though it certainly lowered the quality … Then KM showed up, and at that point, I had no idea what I was watching.
This week, Impact decides to have another Sony SIX multi-man match, specifically for the X-Division. Matt Sydal, Suicide, Davey Richards, Eddie Edwards are all here, because it’s basically the same thing as last week. Only this time, it’s an elimination match instead of a battle royal. There’s even a nondescript trophy at the end of all of this! Technically, this being an X-Division match at least trims the fat that was present in last week’s Sony SIX Gauntlet Battle Royal. But considering the taping schedule, the Indian audience had to have thought they were in a time loop at a certain point, didn’t they?
EH: This is wrestling. There are rules.
So, this Sony SIX match is an elimination five-way, and two of the eliminations are disqualification. Alright then. I can understand an explanation that disqualifications exist because of the elimination aspect — if it were just first fall to a finish, there would obviously be No DQ — but I really can’t understand a wrestler (Eddie Edwards) being DQ’d for hitting someone (Davey Richards) who’s already been eliminated (via DQ) with a chair. Plus, if there are no count outs in this elimination match, then maybe there really shouldn’t be DQs. Just saying. It was all very Extreme Rules 2017.
Has this always been the way Impact has done elimination matches? Because if so, it’s not great.
EH: I’ve got a secret. A good one.
I really hope this is a safe space to reveal this: I don’t get the Suicide character. Phew. That feels good to get out. I just don’t understand why Impact thinks he’s such an important character to always have around in the X-Division. Suicide was from the Impact video game. Do you remember that? Do you even remember the game?
Obviously they always put very talented guys in the costume, but why not, um, give these very talented guys characters or something to do besides finger guns at their temples? Do Suicide toys sell? Are parents buying them for their kids? I can’t believe that’s happening. There are some Little Impact Things I understand. I understand that RELLIK spells KILLER backwards. I just don’t know what Suicide’s whole deal is.
ACE: What Is A Wolf
The biggest surprise of this match is how well Davey “A Wolf” Richards and Trevor “A Caveman” Lee work together as a team. Davey’s howling up a storm, and at one point, he and Trevor give each other a high ten. This is obviously the type of team-up that only lasts a match, but what if it wasn’t? Davey’s only friend is his wife, and former X-Division Champion Trevor Lee is pretty much set adrift on memory bliss right now. If his number as Important X-Division Guy wasn’t up when Low-Ki showed up to wreck shit, it definitely was when Matt Sydal came in. Case in point: As great as Trevor looks in this match, once it gets down to him and Sydal, it’s obvious who’s going to win. Even though — and this commentary team points it out — Sydal completely disappears for a good majority of the match.
So now we need the New American Wolves, Davey Richards and Trevor Lee. I want Davey to Chad Gable his way into Trevor’s caveman heart, constantly approaching the guy to be his wolf brother, howling and doing shadow MMA at him, all while Trevor tries to figure out what this guy’s deal is. In this scenario, Davey Richards is to Trevor Lee as Suicide is to me) Basically, I want their dynamic to be this, especially if Davey attempts to paint claw marks on Trevor.
ACE: What’s Your Favorite Affleck Movie?
I’m fairly certain no one has ever called Forces of Nature their favorite Ben Affleck movie. Or Sandra Bullock movie. Or Maura Tierney movie. Or Steve Zahn movie. But that doesn’t mean Pop TV isn’t going to push the heck out of it during this Impact broadcast. And to answer your question, yes I did keep Pop TV on afterwards, specifically to watch Force of Nature. So I guess it worked, even if Josh Mathews didn’t call it one of the greatest films ever (like he did with Fear).
The Limit Does Not Exist: Whatever Spud & Swoggle Did This Week
Spud’s “Hey! You thievin’ old witch!” is legitimately great. But I’m not even going to try to figure out the Spud/Swoggle storyline anymore. That’s not to say it’s bad, it’s just … Well, you’re seeing the same segments as I am, right?
ACE: Rosemary’s not on screen, all the other characters should be asking “Where’s Rosemary?”
Oh, you know. Chillin’, mindin’ her business. Under the damn ring. The worst part about LAX being back in the States is that there’s no HQ video of them reacting to that. Because I have a feeling they’re the only Impact stars who would react appropriately to homegirl hanging out under the ring since, well, it was set up.
And Allie. Oh, Allie. Bless her heart forever, especially as she goes through a spiral and talks herself crazy. All over whether or not Rosemary will show up to help her out against Sienna and a “focused” version of Laurel Van Mess. Especially when she lands on something legitimately sad in that rant, in her “Oh god, I’m all alone again.” Holy gravitas, ImpactMan. So it’s understandable that she brings a weapon again to face Sienna and Laurel again — not that she wants to use it, but because she know it’ll be the one thing to help her if Rosemary flakes (or whatever the Demon Assassin version of flaking is). Luckily, Rosemary comes through, but unfortunately, it doesn’t matter in the end. And now look what friendship’s gotten Rosemary: She ends up getting pinned, for the first time ever in her Impact career.
ACE: Expedición de Oro
Psst! LAX! We promise not to tell anyone that your “real G shit” is just footage from WrestleMania weekend. Even though, you know, that first promotion hit was shown when y’all first won gold in Impact. But it’s okay, it’ll be our little secret.
Also, it’s all worth it for Konnan to run interference with Homicide and some woman, telling him “You fall in love too quick.” He’s such a good friend.
ACE: Sportsmanship is my favorite sport / I like the way they— ow, my ribs!
The X-Division has a long history of being about ~workrate~ and ~pushing it to the limit~ (I think DJZ is very talented, but I can’t say I miss his promos about the X-Division) and — at its worst — no actual characters or stories. So it’s not that surprising when Low-Ki and Sonjay get all over the moon about the concept of “sportsmanship” in the set-up for their Slammiversary match. Low-Ki, of course, has been a grumpy (yet cocky) warrior since coming back to Impact, but he’s kept it pretty 100 in the ring to back it up.
Then Sonjay Dutt beat him for the X-Division Championship, finally breaking the cycle of being Low-Ki’s crash pad of 15 years. Low-Ki tries to play it off like “luck,” but come on. He literally dresses up like a cold-blooded assassin. He’s not taking anything lightly. He’s a bad guy, and if there was any question left about his true motives in this particular role, there shouldn’t be anymore. Still, despite Low-Ki’s honor now just being a hypocrite’s excuse, I’m looking forward to the 2 out of 3 Falls match at Slammiversary. Sonjay and Low-Ki could absolutely tear it up, so hopefully they do.
Also, bonus points to Matt Sydal, whose save (not that it helps Shera) features him saying things to Low-Ki like, “I thought this was supposed to be a celebration!” I don’t have confirmation Sydal said “Not cool, bro” to Low-Ki, but I wouldn’t put it past him. Namaste.
ACE, for what it’s worth: They Say That A Shera Can Save Us
First of all, how funny — albeit more in that “LOLTNA” way — if Shera had just jumped Sonjay during his championship celebration and challenged him for the X-Division Championship. It would’ve squandered so much, but it’s a thought that got me laughing. Also, way to not come help your boy Shera during his match, Sonjay. Come on.
After last week’s Gauntlet Battle Royal ended with the match-up no one ever asked for in Mahabali Shera versus KM, this week’s Impact has them go one-on-one in a rematch. What’s the opposite of “yay” again? Oh yes: KM. Obviously, the match isn’t presented as an epic battle, but it works for its actual point and that’s to get Shera over as a resilient babyface. This match happens immediately after Sonjay’s celebration, meaning Shera has only just been taped up from the wreckage Low-Ki caused to his ribs.
The fact that he fights through the doctors to get into the match and still pushes through the pain to beat KM is a good story for Shera in India. Congratulations on this not being aggressively bad, guys.
ACE: Don’t you know JB’s loco?
“Ain’t goin’ out like that, we ain’t goin’ out like that,” proclaims Jeremy Borash. This week’s Borash and Park vignettes have the doofus duo channeling their inner Sonjay Dutt (and Cypress Hill, apparently) by facing their fears of Scott Steiner. And as usual, it’s weirdly delightful. JB giving Joseph Park an uncooked, still wrapped frozen pizza (his favorite!) as a pick me up, history lessons (“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?), a Mega Powers handshake. And that’s all before the two decide to try that whole training thing again. Only this time, they’re in sync, and when it comes pool to time, JB flies like a Phenomenal One (“Get ready to fly.”)… and does a front flip. It’s no Josh Mathews Swanton Bomb, but would you believe that Jeremy Borash can do any sort of flip or roll? Exactly.
And then they seal it with a freeze frame high-five. That’ll do, pigs. That’ll do.
ACE: NFL Blitz
The best thing about the reveal of what DeAngelo Williams will be doing at Slammiversary — other than the fact that it proves Moose really does have no friends in Impact — is that Eli Drake and Chris Adonis (who … probably shouldn’t cut promos, by the way) are already in the process of beating Moose down before the video package ends. Which means they didn’t give a damn about the video package and struck at the perfect moment. Way to just stand in the middle of the ring and expect your opponents to watch a video package with you, Moose. That’s some true dummy (YEAH!) stuff right there.
ACE: COEXIST
In case you were wondering, EC3 is still doing the whole E-Singh-3 gimmick. So even though he shows up to the ring with a strap (kinky, kind of), he also meditates outside the ring while his and Lashley’s tag team opponents make their entrances. That’s pretty much the wrestling version of being centered, no?
While this tag team main event was flimsily made up last week, at least it’s something fun and hot for the episode to end on. Of course the crowd loves Alberto El Patron and James Storm, as even their behind the scenes walk to the studio has them chatting and having a good time. (Lashley’s walk has him push an Indian pipsqueak out of the way.)
The second EC3 shows up with the strap, it’s pretty apparent the match is going to end in a strap-related DQ — and honestly, maybe Brian Stiffler deserves it since he doesn’t think to run away each time this happens — but it really is a fun match while it lasts. The commentary voices how surprising it is that EC3 and Lashley are a really cohesive tag team unit (and it is), but at the same time, it was also only a matter of time before EC3’s ego got in the way. After all, the man immediately started things off by calling himself “Team Captain,” and after last week’s fire promo, it seems like EC3 is 100% back in terms of truly believing that the world should and does revolve around him.
