Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live: The evil version of Samuel ‘Screech’ Zayn sarcastically skanked his way into our hearts. Also, the Usos heard the Jolly Ranchers slogan for the first time.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live for October 31, 2017.
This Is Fine If You Don’t Care And/Or Aren’t Paying Attention
Like I said in this week’s Best and Worst of Raw column:
I’m not sure what I was expecting, but the Raw vs. Smackdown rivalry happening because it was announced to happen with no real prize or point is now about Stephanie vs. Shane, McMahon vs. McMahon, sister vs. brother. ME vs. HIM WHO IS ALSO LIKE ME. Now it’s not that Smackdown is the heels and Raw is the faces, it’s that Shane and Stephanie exist above heel or face as awful, comically inhuman tycoon characters who channel Vince McMahon’s goofy, Trumpish rage without 10% of his focus. They’re just raging to rage, condemning folks to brutal beatings at their hands and still dancing around the ring in custom baseball jerseys they had made specifically for the event.
To put it as simply as possible, it’s a story that works if you just wanna see Raw guys fight Smackdown guys and buy Survivor Series and the idea of “brand supremacy” as enough of a stand-alone story. If you pay attention to it or try to analyze or understand it at all, it’s maddening.
Here, Shane says Smackdown has always felt like the B-show, so they had a talent meeting and decided the best way to make a statement was to put Raw under siege and kick them in the mouth. And there’s a part of me that says, “but Shane, does it prove your superiority when you had half your roster march through the backstage area and beat up unsuspecting bystanders in 15-on-1 sneak attacks? It makes you look way worse.” Shane says there will be HELL TO PAY for the way Daniel Bryan was treated, and there’s a part of me that says, “you gang attacked the entire roster and are Condemning Raw To A Vicious Beating At Your Hands because one guy got beaten up by one guy because he was standing still in a dark room having a phone conversation into the dial-out screen.” Shane adds himself to the Survivor Series team, and there’s a part of me that says, “I liked that King of the Ring street fight too, but it was 16 years ago.” The WWE and general WWE fan response to all of my “yeah, buts” is, “stop complaining.” Which usually equates to, “stop paying attention.” Shane’s hot enough to try to destroy a brand and condemn folks to Hell and he’s like, smirking and cutting promos he barely seems to care about. Can Shane not convincingly show anger? Be pissed, man. It would help.
And that’s fine. The story is now about Shane vs. Stephanie, and the actual match that’s supposed to be about the Raw roster vs. the Smackdown roster is about an authority figure wrestling another authority figure. It’s what they want to do, and what they want to do and what I want them to do rarely overlap.
So … [existential dread intensifies]
Best: Save The Best For Last
Here’s a pleasant surprise from the non-functioning brain of Mr. Negativity: I enjoyed the Dolph Ziggler vs. Bobby Roode 2-out-of-3 falls match. Hooray!
What I wrote last week:
Were you bored by Dolph Ziggler vs. Bobby Roode at Hell in a Cell? Were you even more bored by the rematch on Smackdown last week? Well, tune in next week for three more Dolph Ziggler vs. Bobby Roode matches.
The first two matches in the series were uninspired and borderline-terrible, but they improved on them here by structuring a faster-paced match with a greater sense of urgency in front of a better, engaged crowd. The second half of that sentence because the first half. They had something to fight for — a spot on the Smackdown Survivor Series team — which is better than their previous beef, which was, “I have a great entrance/I think great entrances are bad.” Plus, they peppered in enough references to the first two matches to retroactively validate them as part of the series.
Good work here. Hopefully Survivor Series is the moment when Bobby Roode is like, “hey wait a minute, why am I a popular team player? Screw you guys!” and Gloriously DDTs Shane into a fine, pink paste.
Best: New Day’s Halloween Costumes
Power rankings:
1. Big E as Akeem the African Dream, making him a black man dressing up as a white man pretending to be a black man. Him calling Rusev and Aiden English “jive soul brothers” puts him at #1 in a walk.
2. Xavier Woods as Jimmy Hart. His Jimmy Hart impersonation is basically Mickey Mouse, which is somehow completely wrong and totally accurate. Him playing trombone with a megaphone stuck in the end is also pretty great. In another timeline, Big E was dressed as Hulk Hogan here and Kofi was Brutus Beefcake.
3. Kofi Kingston as Chief Wahoo. [checks notes] Brother Love.
After stealing their candy, Rusev manages to defeat Big E in a “guys Brandon thinks should be main event talent by now” singles match. Having fought off Kofi Kingston in Brother Love garb, Rusev then goes to the second reddest person on the show and demands to be on Smackdown’s Survivor Series team. Next week he’ll face AJ Styles for that opportunity, and I pretend it’s going to take place in the Tokyo Dome and go 35 minutes.
More Of The Same
Speaking of Styles, he continues scabbing for Brock Lesnar by beating his second Singh Brother in as many weeks and getting attacked after the match by Jinder Mahal. I know there’s not a chance in God’s green Hell of it happening, but how great would it be if Styles somehow beat Mahal before Survivor Series, and the Universal Champion vs. WWE Champion match was suddenly Brock Lesnar vs. AJ Styles?
Best: Sin Cara Excesivo
In another surprisingly enjoyable moment, Baron Corbin tries to take off Sin Cara’s mask, so Cara hulks up, beats the holy shit out of him and throws office furniture at him until he flees through the crowd.
While we’re on the topic of things that should happen, this should 100% be the setup for a Luchas de Apuestas mask vs. hair match. Either result would make the respective wrestler better. If Sin Cara loses, Baron Corbin’s done something cowardly and drastic, and the recently resigned Hunico gets (1) a cara, and (2) a chance to reinvent himself without the bad reputation of the character. In a better scenario for everyone involved, Baron Corbin loses and cuts his hair, and finally lets the hard to reach chip of skullet maintenance go.
Worst: Natalya. Is, Talking!
Somehow Natalya’s dialogue is less realistic than every female competitor on the show getting fully geared-up despite none of them having matches to stand shoulder-to-shoulder in a hallway backstage and have a conversation. I feel like I’ve complained about it so much that it’s turned the corner from “Natalya doesn’t know how to act” to, “someone thinks having Natalya act like this gets the smarks riled up” or whatever. I just want her to sound like a human being, guys.
Is Renee Young’s Halloween Costume ‘Renee Young From WWE 2K16?’
Anyway, Renee interviews the Usos, which turns into another chance for Chad Gable to show up and rap at them. Between the handshake fake-out and this Kurt Angle rap battle-style insult, the Tag Team Championship match should end with the Usos tying cinder blocks to Gable’s feet and dumping him in the harbor. Gable could like, attack them with a knife in the parking lot and it wouldn’t be as deserving of a beatdown.
Best: Strangerer Things
The Fashion Files are back in form this week with Strangerer Things, and while the joke about Tye Dillinger playing “Eleven” should win the day, I think my favorite bit is Viktor Barb’s face when he realizes “Kane” is behind him.
Three things:
- Seriously, Viktor’s face.
- I want that Kane hoodie Konnor’s wearing.
- I have never disagreed with Tyler Breeze more than I do about Barbara Holland.
I know they’re jumping straight into a Saw parody now, but they should do Strangerer Things 2 next week and stop the action right when it’s getting good to spend an hour with a bunch of one-dimensional “punks” who look and act like Streets Of Rage enemies.
Best: The Main Event
Woefully little Sami Zayn skanking content this week, but the main event of Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Kevin Owens for a spot on the Survivor Series squad was pretty fun. I’m still not sure why Zayn and Owens would want to be on the team at all, even after the explanation Sami gave, nor do I think they should be mentioning Shane taking away opportunities from the roster by joining the team but not mentioning him commanding the entire roster to beat up people for personal reasons, but it is what it is.
Owens loses, which I’m fine with, as it sets up Owens and Sami doing something together at the pay-per-view. I hope it’s more than interfering in the Survivor Series match, but if they’re leading the charge of an invading NXT brand (alongside Finn, maybe Bo Dallas and let’s say Neville), I’m all-in twice. That’s not a thing, I know. But hey, at least Sami and Kevin can have a match at the show without Shane in it.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
LUNI_TUNZ
*Sami hits fan, walks towards him*
“Oh, gee, are you alri… oh shit, i’m a heel.”
The Real Birdman
Rusev peppering in “elated” into conversations after learning what it means a few weeks ago from Renee is a perfect little continuity wrinkle
PinsAndPlates
Sin Cara sounds like a very old drive-thru restaurant speaker.
Amaterasu’s Son
Heyy. Maybe that’s where the power up came from. Sin Cara inherited Roman Reign’s contacts.
AshBlue
I’m going to pretend Rusev shaking his finger “no no no” in the background of that break was him admonishing the creative department for most of their recent decisions.
Ja Gi Kyung-Moon
Every time I see a Bludgeon Brothers promo, I expect it to be followed by a Ric Flair impersonator telling me to go to the KFC by the high school to meet a limited amount of Southpaw stars and eat Georgia Gold chicken with them.
ccxxii
KO & Sami are this comment thread in wrestler form.
FeltLuke
“I will now speak to my people, in my native language. Aidez-moi! Je ne veux pas me battre contre, Brock! Il va me tuer.” – Jinder
Endy_Mion
Yeah Becky, you definitely should have sprayed Natalya mid-promo, not after, it is the only way she’ll learn.
Dave M J
Babyface Rusev out here stomping candy stopping kids from getting cavities
All in all, a much better show this week. It still has its problems, mostly because the Survivor Series cycle is the opposite of my preferential wavelength, but there were a couple of good matches, some funny backstage bits and Sin Cara EXTREME.
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