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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for December 16, 2019.
We’re On The Road To Nowhere
It’s hard to watch WWE TV in December. Survivor Series just spent a month cramming brand loyalty down our throats across three brands, TLC happened with like six days to build it, and the Royal Rumble’s still well over a month away. The Holidays™ are upon us, too, which means viewership is naturally going to go down, but WWE can’t just do the sensible thing and take a few weeks off for the benefit of their fans and employees independent contractors. Instead, we’re getting some thrown-together Raws and Smackdowns that don’t accomplish anything or go anywhere so they can still have all the pieces in place for the Rumble build and WrestleMania season, and some pre-taped Christmas things where Roman Reigns hits King Corbin with a Christmas tree or whatever and we all laugh. It’d be harder to swallow if, you know, it wasn’t already a decades-long holiday tradition of half-assery. Whole lotta Damien Sandow in a Santa outfit getting his head stuck in a toilet. At least they don’t do the Slammy Awards anymore.
So with that in mind, here’s this week’s Raw. Bobby Lashley proposes to Lana, and she says yes! It’s great material if you’re a demon trying to convince George Bailey to go ahead and throw himself off that bridge!
Best: This Part At Least Went Somewhere
The actual highlight of this show is the fact that Seth Rollins and AOP actually remembered that the only reason Kevin Owens had a “steel pipe” with which to attack them last week was because Rey Mysterio randomly bequeathed it to him. So this week, they make a point to find him and kick the shit out of him about it.
The actual context of where and when the beatdown happens on the episode is kinda of a drag — more on that in a second — but I could really grow to appreciate Rollins and AOP as a group of heels who do heel shit, but for actual reasons beyond “being heels.” Guys like Dolph Ziggler and Baron Corbin just kinda do mean stuff on wrestling shows because they’re “the heel,” sometimes with HASHTAG HEEL on their butts, and then talk about how much they love “working the marks.” But if their in-universe character doesn’t have any real in-universe reasons to do something greater than having a broad, sour personality and hating whoever the crowd cheers, they’re a victim of terrible writing. It should be the job of creative to put good performers into a realized universe that highlights their strengths, instead of simply relying on those strengths as an excuse to come up short creatively. It’s the difference in Peter Dinklage in the first four seasons of Game of Thrones, and Peter Dinklage in the final season. He’s still a great actor and he’s doing his best, but the writers are making him work too hard to carry their dumbass content to some endpoint people might enjoy.
What I’m getting at is that if Rollins and AOP can continue having reasons to beat people up that include Rollins’ delusions about being a “nice guy” the crowd just randomly turned on instead of realizing his own shortcomings, AOP feeling like they’re being held back due to their ethnicity and propensity for true violence, and “Mysterio should get his ass kicked for basically sub-tweeting Rollins on live television and helping out Kevin Owens,” that stuff works, and it’ll be good. Rollins vs. Mysterio could be great, if they don’t use it as a backdrop for some post-match thing. Plus, a performer like Kevin Owens could do a lot of good work against a fully formed top heel who isn’t an actively dying 50-year old man in windbreaker pants and Jordans.
Note: This is the one kinda good thing that happened in over three hours of Raw.
Worst: A True Insult To Everyone Watching
The thing you’re going to remember about this episode is that it’s the one where WWE announced a gauntlet match to name a new number one contender for the United States Championship, spent 50 minutes performing a six-person gauntlet match, had the final fall end in a no contest so nobody won, and then had Seth Rollins challenge Rey Mysterio to a United States Championship match on next week’s show in the very next segment. Holy shit is that a middle finger to the audience. I can’t even process it. Holy shit.
It’s a solid gauntlet match while it lasts, too. It starts with R-Truth vs. Akira Tozawa with Tozawa getting a surprise win, which leads into IRL best friends Tozawa and Ricochet getting to have a match on Raw. Ricochet wins that, of course, and defeats the Ghost of Gadzooks Past to face Humberto Carrillo. Carrillo miraculously puts Ricochet away to continue his winning streak and move on to the final fall against his rival Andrade. Andrade’s mad about getting pinned by Carrillo at TLC, so he Hammerlock DDTs him on the exposed floor. Then, instead of … you know, rolling Carrillo back into the ring and pinning him, or rolling back into the ring himself to get a count-out win, or even sticking around for the announcement that Carrillo’s injured and can’t continue (thereby making Andrade the winner), dude just leaves. He walks away because of the looming threat of a concerned Rey Mysterio, and we just go to commercial break and move into the next segment without a result. For a match we spent almost an ENTIRE HOUR watching.
Seriously, WWE, if you’re reading this, fuck you guys. I know “fuck ’em” is Vince McMahon’s big catchphrase when it comes to how much he cares about WWE fans and their opinions, but right back at you, pal. Your show is trash. This is some truly insulting, embarrassing shit to be doing to us.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2HOmPInYoM
why do we even cover this
can everyone agree to like better shows so we can stop writing about fucking Raw and Smackdown
jesus christ
Also On This Episode
You guys tired of The O.C. vs. The Viking Raiders yet? Who likes these matches? Why do they keep doing them? At this point I’d rather watch KFC commercials with inconclusive finishes than another Gallows and Anderson match. It’s like setting Fire Pro to CPU vs. CPU on easy and letting it play.
Erick Rowan beats up a jobber for touching his pet cage. Let me guess, Rowan’s got a groundhog in there, and Raw’s stuck in a time loop doing the same shitty segments over and over until they learn how to do them right.
Liv Morgan will be back soon, and she’s learned an important lesson: being yourself and having originality is for losers, and only total conformity to societal norms can make you happy. She’s taking dramatically lit baths alongside the LIVE LAUGH LOVE font. I’m hoping this is a Funkasaurus-style misdirect, and that Liv’s eventually gong to turn these bits on their head and debut as something other than Also Mandy Rose.
Deonna Purrazzo of all people shows up on Raw to face Asuka, which is probably really cool for her. She’s a good opponent for Asuka, and Asuka leaning back into being a dominant singles star while Kairi Sane deals with all the stuff that happened to her at TLC could be a lot worse. I do think it’s funny that she’s “NXT Superstar” Deonna Purrazzo when she hasn’t appeared on NXT TV in 2019, and that it’s only been two months since the brand split and we’re already letting people cross brands when we need them with no explanation. What, were we out of wild cards for this Raw? Nothing matters, it’s fine.
Becky Lynch lays out a challenge for Asuka, needing to prove to herself that she can beat her. This is the best Becky promo in a while, and they kept it short and to the point. Becky vs. Asuka will be good, even if WWE’s penchant for trying to create symmetry by doing the same matches at the same shows and/or the same venues a year apart is weird. Asuka won at last year’s TLC to set up a match with Becky at Royal Rumble, and Asuka won at this year’s TLC to set up a match with Becky (presumably) at next year’s Royal Rumble. Maybe they’ll do it on Raw. Maybe they’ll do it on a pre-taped Raw and have them hit each other with big candy canes, who the hell knows.
The main event between AJ Styles and Randy Orton is pretty good, but features a lot of leg work that goes nowhere. It only really serves to set up this hilariously stupid finish, wherein Styles fakes a Phenomenal Forearm to get Orton to try an RKO, causing Orton to hop up and down in place and hurt his knee again. And then Styles just jumps into him again anyway.
WWE Raw
HE DIDN’T EVEN FALL DOWN, WHY DID YOU SPRINGBOARD AT HIM AGAIN. HE’S EVEN MORE IN POSITION FOR AN RKO THAN HE WAS THE FIRST TIME.
I don’t know what’s worse, the story I had to write inside my head, or the fact that it’s probably just a botch into a re-do.
Anyway, the good news is that there’s a post-match attack that sets up another O.C. vs. Viking Raiders match that’s also a Randy Orton match. Merry Christmas, everyone.
TV: “What’s next for Daniel Bryan and Bray Wyatt?”
Me: “I would like to know.”
TV: “Tune into Smackdown to find out.”
Me: “I don’t want to know that badly.”
The Real Birdman
That gauntlet finish
Cami
This crowd is so out of it, Charlotte is about to slap their faces.
AddMayne
*WWE Fan looks over at NJPW fan*
NJPW Fan: “No, I swear man! The Bullet Club was like really, really cool!”
AJ Dusman
It’s technically true that Humberto Carrillo is one of the fastest rising stars on Raw because no one’s star is rising at all on Raw.
NathanCoryTovar
Wow WWE just accidentally posted and then deleted a photo of Rollins and AOP beating up Rey in the back. Even they want to fast forward this episode
notJames
Straight to DVD from WWE Films: Poison Ivy 4: Liv For Yourself
Confused_Bobby
I was really hoping when Lana asked to marry Bobby, that he was just like “I’m not marrying you! You just cheated on your last husband!”
BigD_TVF
HAHAHAHAHA they went to an overrun just for a botched finish, a do-over, and a predictable run-in.
Never change WWE, never change.
Spoilers: Here’s Exclusive Full Video Of Next Week’s Taped Raw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq4SGw_L-c4
Drop a comment below, don’t share this on social media because it’s terrible, and join us again next week to watch pre-taped half-assed wrestling on a holiday you’re supposed to be spending being happy with loved ones.
