I apologize in advance for yet again making you aware of a new Kate Hudson rom-com, but I find this project fascinating. First, the awesomely rom-commy title, “Something Borrowed,” should tell you everything you need to know. But if that’s not enough, you also get a trailer that sets up the story — Ginnifer Goodwin’s best friend Kate Hudson is marrying her super-handsome-but-platonic male friend. MY GOD, I’VE NEVER SEEN A ROMANTIC COMEDY BEFORE, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN BETWEEN THE TWO ATTRACTIVE PLATONIC CAUCASIANS BEFORE THE CREDITS ROLL?? Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. It also introduces a brand new, even-more-intelligence-insulting character to the crappy rom-com family: EXPOSITORY JOHN KRASINSKI!
BUT WAIT, I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE SUBTEXT OF THE THING THAT HAPPENED FIVE SECONDS AGO, PLEASE BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME, JOHN KRASINSKI! HEY, MAYBE WE COULD EVEN HAVE CHARACTER CONFESSIONALS LIKE ON THE HILLS! Ooh, ooh, what else can we cross off the lazy hack writer checklist?
- Irrelevant dance montage
- Character chokes on wine at dinner party, OH NO, NOT THE FREUDIAN WINE CHOKE!
- Running through the rain
Also, this isn’t really a cliché, but it’s such a stunningly nauseating example of yuppie mouth puke that I thought it bore mention… F*CKING BADMINTON ON THE BEACH WHILE DRINKING CHARDONNAY:
BUT WAIT, I DON’T HATE HER ENOUGH TO SEE HER LOSE HER FIANCE YET, PERHAPS A COAT MADE OF PUPPIES?
My God, who produces this? This is an Al-Qaeda scheme to make all western women look like materialistic, brain-dead harpies, right?
AMELIA F*CKING EARHART. GAME OVER, MAN.
Jesus Tapdancing Christ. A person’s interest in this film would be an Entourage boxed set full of herpes medication on the dealbreaker scale.