‘WWE Originals’ was a thing that happened in our lifetime. Take a moment and drink that realization in. WWE ORIGINALS HAPPENED ON OUR WATCH. This was a compilation that featured a gaggle of original song-type things from assorted pro graps personalities of varying charisma. It sounds like something that sprung into being because we quit doing blood sacrifices and stopped worshipping the right gods. 2003 was a weird time to be alive.
We’re eleven years removed from the release of this perversely compelling musical offering and now seems as good a time as any to tumble off the balcony of life and come crashing through the table of a weird WWE cash grab. Here’s a track-by-track runthrough of all the lil’ miracles and festering stinkpiles that make up the sports entertainment curio known as WWE Originals.
I’m doing this of my own free will because I’m a big ol’ dummy.
Stone Cold Steve Austin featuring Jim Johnston – Where’s The Beer
DTA: DON’T TRUST ANYBODY… other than noted wisenheimer Stone Cold Steve Austin to make you bust a gut with some sassy WWE Comedy™ stylings! This bizarre grapz tunez casserole kicks of with the first of multiple (MULTIPLE!) skits featuring everyone’s favourite leather vest enthusiast making life difficult in the studio for WWE music go-to guy Jim Johnston. In this introductory go-around, Austin (a guy that likes beer) is disappointed that there’s no beer in the studio. Austin pushes for things to be “hard and heavy” and is unhappy with the alternate direction that’s being pitched. Austin kicks in an acoustic guitar because he ain’t no balladeer pussy that’s gonna bow to the whims of Paste Magazine. HAHAHAHAHA WE HAVE A LOT OF LAUGHS HERE IN WRESTLING MUSIC TOWN! It’s not exactly Fibber McGee and Molly but it does tick the “Stone Cold is here for goofball antics” box in a kind of charming way. It gives me hope that there won’t be a bunch of Jerky Boyz-esque crank calls coming up later in the album. I will hold on to that hope and never let go.
Dudley Boyz – We’ve Had Enough
I am genuinely afraid of Buh Buh/Bubba/Brother/Bully/Jimmy Ray who wants to know? Dudley. He seems like he will swing a chain at dinks in line at Costco because they looked at his crate of frozen steaks with “disrespect.” (Conversely, D-von/Devon seems like a sweetheart that only fustigates dudes at the appropriate venues/times.)
That scary tough guy mystique sort of melts away when “We’ve Had Enough” rolls out on track 2. It’s the sort of lumbering generic ROCK MUSIC infused hip-hop cut that you’d expect a group of relators to perform at a convention at a Des Moines Travelodge. When it comes to offering a sensible mortgage options it’s “lights out, one tag, two tag, KABOOM!” This is even dorkier than that Hardcore 5150 sleeveless number that Bully Ray trots out from time to time. (Seriously, it’s like half of Bully Ray’s shirts were designed to appeal to moms unsure of what “tough” shirt to get their 4th grader from the Sears discount rack.)
Trish Stratus – I Just Want You
The sweet adult contemporary sounds of sports entertainment! “I Just Want You” features Trish Stratus doing her best to exist inside a drugstore soft pop offering that sort of flutters around like a beer league stab at Norah Jones. Full points to Trish for making the most of lyrics that may have been jacked from the desk of an elementary school. It’d be nice if Trish came with some Savage Garden style OOMPH in her “want you/need you” soul searching business. Lord knows Vince McMahon would be thrilled with the potential cherry cola tie-in.
Rey Mysterio – Crossing Borders
It’s kind of sad to be reminded that if “Crossing Borders” were played at a loud enough volume in 2014, it’d result in Rey Mysterio’s skeleton turning to dust. I enjoy Rey’s aggressively non-threatening pop-rap pep talk and cultural celebration. It’s like my hair is being tousled by a trusted family friend.
Ass Covering Note: I’m from Canada and have no real understanding of Spanish. (Our Sesame Street had French segments instead of Spanish. We also had characters like Louis the Otter. It was an inferior program.) If the Spanish lyrics are about blowing up a children’s hospital or why Rules of Engagement kicks ass, I apologize profusely for my unintentional endorsement.
Stone Cold Steve Austin – Did You Feel It?
The saga of Stone Cold continues! In this installment, the Academy Award winning star of The Condemned busts out some sweet guitar action like he’s goddamn Denver the Last Dinosaur while DORKASAURUS REX Jim Johnston fails to meet Austin’s needs and expectations. Things begin to turn around near the end which is always nice to see in a comedy interlude on a wrestlers doing songs compilation.
Booker T – Can You Dig It?
Like you, I’m crushed this is not a Booker T reimagining of The Mock Turtles cut of the same name. That said, “Can You Dig It?” is a delight! It’s just Booker T letting you know that he’s a good dude that isn’t afraid to repeatedly ask a question that has consumed philosophers for centuries. Need someone to invite over for Scattergories? Booker T is here to provide zero drama and he’s optimistic about New Ma$e! (Note: Booker T was wrong to be optimistic about Mason Betha’s comeback. He’d be better off betting on Pepsi Blue.) “Larger than life, but it’s no movie, I’m the true master of the Spinaroonie,” notes Booker in a bid to remind everyone that his life is nothing like that of Bill Murray’s in that elephant road trip flick. (Does Bill Murray do a Spinaroonie in that movie? If so, I’m long overdue to check it out.)
Kurt Angle – I Don’t Suck (Really)
I’ve kind of lost touch with Kurt Angle since he left for TNA, but all .gifs of TNAngle seem to suggest he’s game to release an album that’s just him screaming into a trash can filled with ferret corpses. “I Don’t Suck (Really)” showcases 2003 WWE Angle offering up a whimsically batshit reclaiming of his theme song. There are these Henry Rollins speaky/shouty chunklets tucked into this treasure that will tear your mind out and burn your soul in the best possible way. IT’S GLORIOUS! Angle psuedo-rapping “I’m the only white rapper that’s in tune with the brothers” is so incredible that I fell to my knees and wept upon hearing it. John Cena probably punches a Fathead of himself while listening to this and holding back tears.
Lita – When I Get You Alone
Who doesn’t want a snootful of cool aunt sex jamz? Christ, Lita sounds like she was just rustled out of a coma to do Lifetime Original Movie soundtrack karaoke. I would have recommended picking something from the A Friend To Die For section, but whatever. There’s something almost thrilling about the banality on display on “When I Get You Alone”. It’s like you’re listening to some goober at WWE Music Group & Nuclear Energy buying into this boiled potato fart of a guitar-pop track being something you can plunk into the middle of something that will be sold in exchange for money.
Stone Cold Steve Austin – You Changed The Lyrics
As promised in the title, this comedy interlude features Stone Cold taking issue with Jim Johnston’s edits to Austin’s lyrics. I like to imagine the lyrics that Stone Cold sent over were just drawings of a vested rattlesnake driving a monster truck over top of a dude in a “goatees suck” t-shirt. That’s how Bernie Taupin does it.
Lilian Garcia – You Just Don’t Know Me At All
I’ll give you a moment to discard everything you thought you knew about Lilian Garcia. *pauses to allow for a period of exaggerated shrugging* Have you thrown out the dozens of notebooks you have stored marked “Lilian: Cherished Thoughts & Observations”? Tremendous! Inoffensive WWE ring announcing mainstay Lilian Garcia is her to ROCK HER WAY INTO YOUR HEART! “You Just Don’t Know Me At All” is an unwieldy blend of discount Evanescence, bargain bin Melissa Etheridge and freshly congealed garbage water. Lilian deserves points/pity for putting her soul into something that gets passed over en route to the masterpiece that is Rikishi’s “Put A Little Ass In It”.
Eddie & Chavo Guerrero – We Lie, We Cheat, We Steal
We’ve, got, the, la-tin heat, for, the, la-dies, we meet
We lie, we steal, we cheat; when we fight, you get beat!
We’ve, got, the, la-tin heat, for, the, la-dies, we meet
We lie, we steal, we cheat; when we fight, you get beat!
Congrats! That chorus will never exit your brain. You’ll be on your deathbed trying to pass along the secret to the family treasure to your grandkids (spoiler: it’s love!) but instead all you’ll be able to mutter is “we’ve…got…the…la- -“ before death takes you by the hand.
I enjoy “We Lie, We Cheat, We Steal” more than I should. It sounds like something that was ripped from the High School Musical songbook before being dropped for “Bop To The Top”. Probably the right call. It’d be in poor taste for Sharpay and Ryan to go with a song that travels in Mexican-American stereotypes.
Chris Jericho – Don’t You Wish You Were Me?
Former Metal Edge columnist Chris Jericho had a side gig as a professional wrestler? *crystal monocle drops to the floor* “Don’t You Wish You Were Me?” is an agreeably goofy musical theatre offering that I imagine has popped up in an alarming number of Canadian crime dramas. (It’s the song that plays whenever Enrico Colantoni has to investigate a series Mississauga BDSM club murders.)
Stone Cold Steve Austin – Drink Your Beer
Stone Cold Steve Austin takes Jim Johnston to task for lallygagging in his beer grabbing/drinking endeavours. There’s a Sundance darling to be extracted from these segments. Make it happen, Fox Searchlight.
Rikishi – Put A Little Ass On It
THE ONLY SONG WITH THE COURAGE TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS! That tender kitten Rikishi offers up his gentle vocal stylings over top of the music that plays on every hotel’s visitor information channel. Do you have a problem? Try this smoothie’s approach of suffocating it with your dimpled buttocks! If you have a couple spare years on your hands you can try to unpack what Rikishi is trying to express when he sings “like a baby” on this cut. (They have a real safecracker’s touch over at the WWE.)
I preferred this song a lot more when it was originally sung by Carole King, but that’s my hang-up and not yours. The Carole King version was initially titled “Butts, D’You Get It?” by the way.
Stacy Keibler – Why Can’t We Just Dance?
Bold of Stacy Keibler to proclaim her pro-dance policy in public. Those stuffed shirts at Supermarket Superstar probably fainted en masse when she trotted out that stance in her sizzle reel. If you can somehow dance to this weaker than Vitaminwater club track, I salute you. I wasn’t expecting like Robyn or anything, but it’s really just Stacy growing increasingly confused why dancing is not on the table. WHY IS YOUR BODY ABOUT TO BLOW? THAT’S NOT A THING PEOPLE SAY IN RELATION TO DANCING OUTSIDE OF A ROBOTIC RICHARD SIMMONS! “Why Can’t We Just Dance?” is about as sexy as a jawbreaker in the urethra.
John Cena – Basic Thugonomics
Does Kane know about Thugonomics? Does this approach mesh with the Big Red Machine’s Libertarian fiscal policies? Is this where their beef started?
Full points to WWE Originals for going with the NARCiest picture of John Cena on the cover. “Yo! I’m offic—DJ RAP GENT. Who here likes trading information about their friends in exchange for some cool temporary tattoos? It’s that cool craze that Jays A through Z are doin’!”
Stone Cold Steve Austin – Don’t That Taste Good
Ha! We’ve been duped! Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn’t sing on this album at all! What a wild and wooly journey it has been.
Thank you for joining me on this thrilling high art adventure! I know my life is infinitely richer for having experienced WWE Originals and I hope yours is too.
