‘The Bachelor’ recap: Are you breaking up with Juan Pablo?

As I’m sure everyone and their dog has already heard, Juan Pablo said some stuff about gay people during the ABC party at press tour. I can’t say I was thrilled with what he said, and while I know that English isn’t his first language, the gays being “more pervert” is kind of hard to dial down. I’ll be very interested to see if tonight’s ratings take a hit, won’t you? Let’s get to the recap — whether you’re still watching or not. 

We’ve moved on to the usual solo date/group date/solo date formula, and the first woman to get a one-on-one with Juan Pablo? Single mom Cassandra. Everyone believes this is a Very Big Deal, because Juan Pablo has made it clear he’s ready to send home either of the single moms at the slightest provocation, because he doesn’t want to keep them from their kids a moment longer than necessary. This is, by the way, an act of mercy on his part, even though it might give Renee and Cassandra ulcers.

But before Cassandra has a panic attack, she gets a hot date in a boat-car with Juan Pablo. Oooh, swimming next to the boat car! I think Juan Pablo has to do whatever he can to make this date exciting, as Cassandra is too nervous to have a personality at this point. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Elise talks to Renee about her mother who died of melanoma and desperately wanted Elise to be on “The Bachelor.” I am thinking that Renee’s mother might have been on pain meds or had given up hope for Elise finding a man, but Renee think this is super touching. 

Even though everyone at the house is sure Cassandra is being kicked to the curb, they shouldn’t underestimate the hotness of a 21-year-old mom who used to dance for the NBA. Juan Pablo wants to make Cassandra feel less nervous, so he cooks her a meal, then grinds his hips against her.  That’s always comfortable! Wait, she’s a professional dancer, it probably is. She’s now feeling really relaxed. She’s so surprised! 

Finally, it’s time for the group date names to be announced. Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Andi, Alli, Lauren, Christy, Lucy, Nikki and whoever’s reading the invite will be off on a soccer date with Juan Pablo. Oh, goody! Angry, jealous women with cleats! Whoot!

Is anyone else unnerved that Kelly is still being referred to as “dog lover”? It’s like calling her “vegetarian” or “‘Breaking Bad’ viewer.” 

Anyway, Juan Pablo thinks Cassandra is beautiful — but he needs to be careful with his decisions. Wait, he’s not sending her home, is he? Of course not! He loves that she’s an overprotective with a hot bod! Rose for Cassandra!

The soccer game is all kinds of crazy, just as you might expect. The best part? Everyone but Juan Pablo kind of sucks — AND they have cleats. Sharleen gets many, many balls to the face, which impresses Juan Pablo. Stop laughing. Don’t be crude, people. 

Of course, no one cares much about the soccer game, because winning doesn’t get anyone a make-out session with Juan Pablo (though I’m sure that’s what the producers wanted). As soon as everyone gets out of their sweaty gym clothes, it’s time for one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. 

Nikki drags him away first. She’s afraid of getting hurt. Hey, he’s afraid of hurting people! They have so much in common! But no kiss. Just a hug. She hopes to get the rose because… well, I don’t know, but she’s hopeful. 

Next, Andi tells Juan Pablo things are getting serious for her. He thinks she’s a strong woman. And… kissing! Hot kitchen! Juan Pablo takes Sharleen out into the middle of the soccer field and puts down a picnic blanket. He thins she has class, possibly because she tends to wear her hair up. Then, kissing! Tongue kissing! Andi’s crushed. Nikki is crushed. Sharleen is thrilled. She made out with Juan Pablo and all the other girls hate her, nyah nyah!

Juan Pablo declares this his favorite group date! And time for the rose. He gives it to… Nikki. Interesting. I thought he was one step away from telling her “it’s not you, it’s me, because the other girls have been more aggressive about exploring my tonsils.” Andi is crushed. Sharleen feels insecure. It both surprises and bothers her that she cares as much as she does. Does it, Sharleen? This is “The Bachelor,” a social experiment that pretty much forces you into a competitive state of mind in the belief there are limited resources (a man) which you must procure to continue your blood line. Or something. Wait, is that a spoiler?

Back at the house, another date card… and Chelsie gets the one-on-one. Sorry, Elise. This sparks the full-on hate parade from Elise, who thinks Chelsie is a baby. She is absolutely sure Juan Pablo will send Chelsie home. Wishful thinking, Elise. 

Juan Pablo comes for Chelsie and plays Venezuelan music in the car. He wants to make her fears go away a little bit by seat dancing and singing along Pay attention, Chelsie, this will be every long distance car ride ever if you guys go the distance. It will not seem so cute when you try to drive across, say, Montana. 

At the house, Elise continues bagging on Chelsie. She’s sure Chelsie will be getting the boot. Sure of it! MAN, she hates that Chelsie! She’s a BABY! And Elise, as we can tell, is very mature. 

Unique Venezuelan flavors for lunch for Juan Pablo and Chelsie! So far, he’s impressed with Chelsie, because she eats food. They’re going to do a tandem ankle bungy jump. He’s scared, she’s scared, blah blah blah. Do you ever get the feeling “The Bachelor” is really phoning it in at this point? There’s always a group sports game, always a death-defying tandem jumping or climbing challenge. Anyway, as if on cue, Chelsie gets weepy.The longer you drag this out, the worse it gets, Chelsie. “I’m just jumping into nothingness!” Chelsie shrieks.

They step off the platform. He comforts her, as she is, according to Elise, a big baby. “Just do it for me,” Juan Pablo coos. Alas, she chickens out. For a while. There’s a lot of waiting and whispering. 

Are we watching this in real time? My God, so boring. Anyway, they jump. Is it dark? Because they took THAT LONG. He gives her kisses hanging upside down off the bridge. She declares it epic and he’s so proud of her. “She’s amazing!” I’m thinking that’s a little bit of an overstatement, as she was tied to Juan Pablo and didn’t have a lot of options other than taking a step forward, but okay. 

Back at the house, Elise is still bagging on Chelsie. She is SURE Chelsie is going HOME. Think she needs to let that go. Juan Pablo seems awfully fond of Chelsie. She seems to have maternal instincts! Because she does not appear to eat children or run over them with cars! She gets the rose. And then, there’s music! The band is… Billy Currington. Juan Pablo can see Chelsie going far. She’s positive, optimistic and wifey material. And Elise hates her! Bonus!

The next day, Juan Pablo sneaks into the house to make breakfast for the girls so he can see them without make-up. Kelly rushes up to put on her make-up, then apparently changes her mind and just puts on a bra. Renee is fine with looking like she just got up, as she looks kind of the same even during the rose ceremony. She’s a natural type. I think this is a big plus for Juan Pablo, actually. 

Oh, and speaking of odd descriptions, Lucy is referred to as “Free Spirit.” Is that an actual job? Does it pay? What are the benefits? Any insurance?

Instead of a cocktail party, the girls will be joining Juan Pablo for a pool party. Kat takes this as an invitation to act like a horny high school student and rides on Pablo’s shoulders in a pretty transparent attempt to play chicken and rub her crotch against his head. Kelly thinks she looks like a whore. Sharleen thinks she’s a camera whore, which is only moderately nicer. 

Sharleen talks to Juan Pablo about how she’s sick of cameras zooming in on her face. She cries. He hugs. Careful, Sharleen. The girls who can’t handle the cameras and the pressure tend to get sent home. They kiss. The girls try to spy on them. Clare hates this! She doesn’t want to share Juan Pablo! 

And so, Clare loses it. Who comforts her? Renee! I hope she’s getting paid a little extra for all this therapy. Oops, she goes to Juan Pablo. She can’t stand sharing him! She hates this! Juan Pablo seems a little turned off, but assures her he wants her around. All I can wonder is, why? 

Juan Pablo thinks the pool party day was the best day he’s had! He got to see them without make-up and wearing bikinis! Time for roses! And kicking girls to the curb! 

First rose goes to… Andi.

Second rose goes to… Renee

Third rose goes to…  Kelly

Fourth rose goes to… Sharleen

Fifth rose goes to… Elise

Sixth rose goes to… Kat

Seventh rose goes to… Allison

Eight rose goes to… Clare

Ninth rose goes to… Lauren

Tenth and last rose goes to… Danielle

See ya, Lucy and Christy.

It’s Christy’s worst nightmare! People are way more open than she is! It’s not fair! It’s not fair that people are more open than she is? Lucy can’t stand to say goodbye, but she hopes everyone here finds what they’re looking for. 

This Sunday, it’s Sean and Katherine’s wedding. Monday, more “Bachelor” hijinks. And the cattiness is kicking in. Yay. 

What do you think about Juan Pablo’s comments about homosexuality? What did you think of the pool party? Who do you think is about to become high maintenance?