Ah, summertime. Those magical months when people actually venture outdoors for a few hours or seconds of real life instead of spending all their time glued to one or another screen. But fear not, lovely readers! There may be fewer new shows on TV, but there is still plenty of incest to be found in other pockets of our popular culture. Take homemade pornos, for example. Here’s all the relative-schtupping that went down this week.
TELEVISION
Arrested Development: “Arrested” has always had a knack for the showcasing the funny side of incest, and the new season keeps that trend going strong. To recap the family love from the original there seasons: there were, of course, kissing cousins Maeby and George Michael, whose relationship wavered between adorable teenage awkwardness and pure taboo. There was also the introduction of G.O.B.’s son Steve Holt, whom both Maeby and mother Lindsay had crushes on, and whom Maeby ended up smooching. Speaking of Lindsay, the third season finale saw her attempting to seduce brother Michael once she found out she was adopted. Right after that, we got a bit of G.O.B. making a pass at his non-blood sis. Then there’s the super weird, way-too-close relationship between Lucille and her son Buster, which is fucked-up on all kinds of levels. Spoiling the specifics of the new season seems particularly cruel in this case, but rest assured if you haven’t watched yet: there will be incest.
MOVIES:
The Fault in Our Stars and Divergent: Here’s an innovative one. It seems some folks are up in arms about the casting of a pair of movies, the teen cancer drama (cool how that’s a genre) “The Fault in Our Stars” and the teen dystopian thriller “Divergent.” Both are set to feature the actors Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort. In the cancer flick, the two will play romantic leads opposite one another, and in the post-apocalypse movie they’ll be brother and sister. So that’s a round-about way of getting to incest, which will apparently be an issue for moviegoers who have trouble understanding what is real and what is fiction.
Ansel Elgot’s comment? “Acting is acting.”
THEATER:
‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore: Citizens of Los Angeles, rejoice, for a new incest play has come our way. It’s a production of the classic drama “‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore,” and it tells a centuries-old tale. The play, written by John Ford in 1962, relates the story of a brother and sister who are wrapped up in forbidden lust. If you’re wondering, the play does not have a happy ending.
NEWS:
The Sexxxton Family Porno Business: Incest in porn? How scandalous! This story involves a mother-daughter porno pair named Jessica and Monica Sexxxton (something tells me that’s made up), who have been performing together for the past year-and-a-half in videos made for own self-titled website. The two have kept themselves from being legally charged with incest on a technicality: they will perform in the same films and even have sex with the same partner, but will never actually do it at the same time. Clever.
Now Jessica and Monica are looking to take the family porn business to the next level. They’ve launched a nationwide search to find a father-son team who want to join them on-camera — having, like, sex, and stuff. The Sexxxtons’ hunt has proved fruitless so far, but if I know America, it probably won’t be too long before they find their King and Prince Charming.