He couldn’t have done it without you Pumpkin Spice Latte and Mocha!
Pre-show Notes:
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Worst: Twin Magic
Man, I’m still a fan of The Usos in the ring, but WWE is really stepping up their attempts to transform them into the John Cenas of the tag division, and it’s kind of obnoxious. Within the first 30-seconds of their match with Rybaxel, the commentators were declaring The Usos the best tag team of their generation. Yuck.
I dunno, I feel like you should book long reigns for the one or two titles you actually want to matter, but for lower-card titles like the tag belts, the focus should just be on making things exciting. Lots of challengers, lots of title changes — foster a feeling of competitiveness. During the match Cole and JBL rattled off all the teams vying for tag gold, but it didn’t inspire any excitement in me, because I have the sense The Usos are just going to roll over all of them. Have Rybaxel or the Dust Bros. score a surprise title win. What do you have to lose? Have the tag division the one unpredictable, chaotic corner of the otherwise well-controlled WWE Universe.
Anyways, yeah, like most Rybaxel matches, this one was nothing special and then, out of nowhere, when the match was more or less even, The Usos decided they deploy a little Twin Magic. Does WWE think emulating the Bellas is going to finally get The Usos where they want them to be? Because I don’t know if Jimmy and Jey have what it takes to make it to the top the Bellas way.
Best: Of Course Miz’s Mom’s Named Is Barb
Well, aren’t I embarrassed. Yesterday in my Jim Ross article I was complaining about how nothing important happens on Smackdown anymore, and what does WWE do the very same day? They have Miz’s parents make their Smackdown debut! The segment started as a pretty solid parody of rambling Oscar acceptance speeches, and then when Miz got around to thanking his parents, they were actually there! Yes, they flew in ol’ Barb and George for this.
The Miz’s mom even got multiple lines, and her delivery was, uh, I’m going to go with astounding. I think that’s the proper word. She wasn’t merely robotic, she seemed to have no notion of how regular human speech patterns work. She managed to take a line that looks more or less passable in text…
“I’m very proud of you. You’re my Michael and I think everyone else is too.”
…and delivered it in such a way that it sounded like a) she was the least proud ever and b) she has a neurological disorder, which causes her to think everyone is The Miz. Geez, no wonder she seems so shell shocked.
But the punchline was still to come! The Miz asked Barb who her favorite wrestler is, and of course she responded with “Roman Reigns” (he’s hawt!). You know, being a good weasely heel requires a certain lack of ego, but officially incorporating “my mom doesn’t love me very much” into your character’s bio really takes shit eating to the next level. Yes Miz, now I know where you got it — we’re talking about the crippling lack of self-esteem and depression, right?
Then the Miz thanked his dogs and cats for helping him win the Intercontinental title. THEN THERE WAS A MARYSE REFERENCE. It goes without saying this segment was shaping into something magical, and then Bo Dallas came out. I was expecting Miz to be all sneers and snark, because sneering and snarking was what Miz was all about for so long, but no, he was perfectly cordial. The Miz and Bo Dallas were getting along! I was already frantically fantasy booking REALLY BOLIEVE’s takeover of the company, when, sadly, one more guy’s music hit…
Worst: Oh Great, Here Comes A WWE Face To Ruin The Fun
WWE faces all being garbage human beings is a well-worn subject around these parts, but my God, it was like Dolph Ziggler was playing a parody of the irredeemable WWE good guy here.
Everyone’s getting along, Bo’s inspiring the masses, Miz’s parents are there — good vibes all around! Then Ziggler shows up, immediately starts insulting everybody and responds to Bo’s encouragement by physically attacking him. This sets up a match with Bo, during which Ziggler attacks Miz unprovoked, then gets distracted and rolled-up like a goob when Miz gets in his face in response. So, what’s Ziggler (whose loss was 110% his own fault) do? He cheapshots Bo as he’s taking his victory lap. What a piece of shit. If this segment had ended with Dolph Ziggler being crushed to death by a rogue asteroid, I would have said he had it coming.
Worst: One vs. All
Come on Roman, it doesn’t have to be one vs. all. What about Ambrose? Isn’t he your friend? Is it all the sex faces you’re making at Renee? No Samoan is an island. I mean, most Samoans come from an island, but, well you know what I mean.
Best: Battle of The Aggressive Losers
Which crazy, violent, outta control guy will cost himself the match first?
I guess I’ll give this a Best. I guess. On paper Ambrose vs. Cesaro in a no-DQ match would seem to be a great idea, but I don’t know — Cesaro is such a beast on his own that the hardcore thing almost detracts. A kendo stick or steel chair is actually significantly less destructive than Ceasro’s own fists, and too much of this match was devoted to dull choking with the sticks, or overly cutesy chair spots. Oh, and that finish. Ambrose fills the ring with 20 chairs, but they aren’t used at all and the match ends with a roll-up. Are roll-ups more effective if they’re done on a chair?
Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a bad match. I’m giving it a Best! But these two are capable of better, and if they continue to wrestle, the focus should be on more technical stips (2-out-of-3 falls, submission match) as opposed to the weapon-heavy stuff.
Worst: Add Paige to the Crazy Pile
WWE’s dream of an all-crazy, all the time Divas division gets closer by the day. Paige isn’t merely “dysfunctional and delusional” now, she’s literally skipping around like an AJ clone. Maybe WWE can figure out some sort of split-screen thing and just have AJ wrestle herself every night and be done with it.
Best: The Horsehead Nebula is a Daaaark Nebula!
Feel like you’re maybe getting a little tired of these Dust Bros. backstage segments? Oh really? Hmmm, well what do you have to say to Goldust in a Halloween store wizard’s hat? With little stars and moons on it any everything! And uh, Stardust’s a table! For some reason? Apparently Cody and Goldust broke out the good drugs (or maybe they’ve just been studying 70s Sesame Street), and you know what? I’m officially fine with them continuing their student films and never wrestling again as long as they can continue escalating things.
Worst: Oh, This Is Just Too Sad
Bray Wyatt is wrestling R-Truth again. R-Truth. What can be said? Wrestling R-Truth again is Googling the name of the girl that gave you that Choo-Choo-Choose Me Valentine in 2nd grade after you get divorced. Watching Bray wrestle with a tricky candy bar wrapper would be more entertaining.
Less time for sketching this week, but I’m making up for it with extra drama.
Worst: Reigns vs. Del Rio
Roman Reigns has been improving at a good clip recently, but wrestling Alberto Del Rio is throwing the guy into the deep end a little too early. Roman’s matches tend to be a bit dull until the Superman punches and spears start flying and Del Rio is boring from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed. Well, I guess that’s not fair — maybe he really brushes his teeth with flair or something. I dunno.
Anyways, Alberto is not the guy to match Roman up with at this stage in his development, and predictably, the match wasn’t terribly exciting. It also had a number of clunky spots, like the part where Roman had to hang onto the ropes for a solid half-minute while Alberto set up for the chest-stomp spot. Then, after several minutes of very mild thrills the match ended in the most straightforward way possible — one Superman punch, one spear and she was done-zo. Hopefully this is the one Alberto Del Rio match that isn’t repeated dozens of times, but just me saying that pretty much guarantees it will be. Sorry about that.
