Here are your official With Spandex staff predictions for Sunday’s WWE Battleground 2014 pay-per-view/WWE Network event, headlined by Cameron vs. Naoami in a Battle Of The Funkadactyls. Sorry, the show’s headlined by a fatal fourway where Randy Orton, Kane and Roman Reigns challenge for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and champion John Cena only has a 100% chance of retaining.
We’ll be here on Sunday with a live thread and results, then again on Monday with a Best and Worst of WWE Battleground 2014. Until then, here’s your complete card:
WWE Battleground 2014 Card:
1. Cameron vs. Naomi
2. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Fatal Fourway: John Cena vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns
3. Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal – Announced participants: Alberto Del Rio, Big E, Bo Dallas, Cesaro, Curtis Axel, Diego, Dolph Ziggler, Fandango, Heath Slater, Kofi Kingston, Rob Van Dam, R-Truth, Ryback, Sheamus, Sin Cara, Great Khali, Miz, Titus O’Neil, Xavier Woods, Zack Ryder
4. Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho
5. Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee vs. Paige
6. 2 out of 3 Falls for the Tag Team Championships: The Usos vs. The Wyatt Family
7. Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
8. Jack Swagger vs. Rusev
And now, for the predictions, presented in familiar “what should happen” and “what will happen” format.
Cameron vs. Naomi
What Should Happen: I don’t really care about the Funkadactyls exploding anymore, so let’s go crazy with it. Give me a full-on anime ending to the match where we remember the Funkadactyls are supposed to be representatives of a great, lost space colony of … uh, dancing dinosaurs. Have their rage build and build until it can build no more, then the screaming Funkadactyls are FUSED INTO ONE RAMPAGING, PROBABLY TWERKING FUNK MONSTER. Bring back Linda Miles and give her some robot shoulderpads. I don’t know.
What Will Happen: Naomi winning and moving on to being a real wrestler seems like the way to go, which means WWE will probably give Cameron a fluke, cheap win of some kind and stretch things out until SummerSlam. I’m predicting GURL HI, basically.
Staff Picks:
Danielle Matheson – Out of all the wrestlers who use flying asshole to the face-based offense, Naomi might be the only one I like. Winner: whoever gets Cameron to stop saying “Girl, bye.”
David D. – This will be a catch-as-catch-can battle of wills in which Naomi will carry Cameron to a one star match. I think this will be better than most people think, actually, since I believe in Naomi as a wrestler. Still, Cameron will probably win to *drumroll* continue the feud. There’s a theme here.
Austin Heiberg – THE WAR FOR PLANET FUNK. Speaking of planets, I don’t want to live in a world where Cameron has a PPV victory on her own steam. I got Naomi here, via some sort of ass-based offense.
Nate Birch – Considering Cameron lost to “I guess we won’t fire her, but we want to” Emma on Main Event, I’m pretty sure Naomi has the momentum going into this one. But maybe it’s the ol’ WWE reverso booking logic, and Cameron looking like hot garbage before the PPV means she’ll win at the show itself! But no, Naomi’s winning.
Jessica Hudnall – This is going to make me so sad. Total Divas will be irreparably changed forever! I’d like for Naomi to win because she’s actually good at wrestling, so screw it, I’m going with the person I like more, like I do with my UFC predictions. I honestly do hope this leads to Cameron’s boyfriend Vinnie fighting Jimmy Uso to defend his BABE’S honor.
Ashley Burns – Like I’m going to pick against my girl Naomi. Better yet, like I’m going to pick the reason that Ray J ended up on an episode of Total Divas.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Fatal Fourway: John Cena vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns
What Should Happen: Something exciting. The build to Battleground has been the safest, most boring thing in the world, so I want all Hell to break loose here. I want Lesar showing up in the middle and trouncing EVERYBODY. I want Seth Rollins to try to cash in and get run over by Lesnar. I want Ambrose and Reigns out there forming a shaky alliance with Rollins to clear Brock out of the ring. I want Cesaro, Curtis Axel and CM Punk storming the ring and obliterating The Shield. I WANT JOHN CENA TO START BURNING HAMMERING FOLKS.
What Will Happen: John Cena wins. What else do you pick?
It’s weird, because the messages are mixed. They’ve supposedly “leaked” the SummerSlam main event in poster and video form to make sure EVERYBODY sees it, but Cena’s supposed to be taking a few weeks off to film a movie. So which is it? Is Cena steamrolling everybody and moving into the SummerSlam main, or is he losing (to Orton) to clear up that title picture? If he takes time off and comes back, can’t he just fight Brock in a non-title match? Can’t he just take a month off as champion? Daniel Bryan held the belt without defending it because people liked him.
Staff Picks:
Danielle Matheson – Woof. Winner: John Cena
David D. – John Cena Attitude Adjusts Kane onto Randy Orton who’s been Attitude Adjusted onto Roman Reigns for the win. I don’t know about Roman Reigns being in so many title matches and coming up short. It’s sort of what TNA did with Samoa Joe for a while. Reigns should win his first title shot, but what do I know. Besides the fact John Cena will win.
Austin Heiberg – John Cena’s in this match right? And the main event for SummerSlam just got leaked, didn’t it? The forecast calls for a 100% chance of John Cena Beating The Odds. Carry an umbrella in the following weeks, because we’re also looking at a 40% chance of Roman Reigns losing momentum. Now let’s throw it back to Al Roker!
Nate Birch – Aka, the 20-minute time filler before Brock Lesnar comes out and murders everybody. Let’s see, what would be the least satisfying, most deflating conclusion possible? Roman Reigns runs wild and is about to pin Orton when Kane sneaks up and chokeslams him. John Cena then no-sells 20-minutes of offense, pops up and effortlessly AAs Kane onto Reigns’ corpse for the pin. Let’s go with that.
Jessica Hudnall – In theory, Orton and Kane should team up, get Cena and Reigns out of the picture and then Kane gets Finger Poke of Doom’d. But after that big bucket of shenanigans to end RAW, everything is stupid. I don’t have time to check the Steiner Math, but I know that Kane can’t beat John Cena, and he’s not even going to try. Reigns has a chance because we all know how much WWE likes to put the world title on Samoan dudes. I’m honestly just stalling because I don’t feel like typing the inevitable “John Cena is going to overcome the f*ck out of those odds and retain the title”, but that’s what’s happening.
Ashley Burns – John Cena. I mean, that’s overly obvious, right? Or do we need to also pick who is supposed to win and therefore gets screwed over and makes us all groan in the process? In that case, I’d pick Roman Reigns. But it’s Cena.
Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal – Announced participants: Alberto Del Rio, Big E, Bo Dallas, Cesaro, Curtis Axel, Diego, Dolph Ziggler, Fandango, Heath Slater, Kofi Kingston, Rob Van Dam, R-Truth, Ryback, Sheamus, Sin Cara, Great Khali, Miz, Titus O’Neil, Xavier Woods, Zack Ryder
What Should Happen: Something unexpected. Unlike most matches, a battle royal should be able to go to ANYBODY. It should be chaos theory at work. There are so many intangibles, and if you’re a “favorite to win” like Miz or Cesaro, the other guys should be gunning for you and throw you out early. Give it to Heath Slater, man. Throw him a bone. The Intercontinental Championship doesn’t really mean anything right now, so give it to somebody who desperately needs it and let them defend it against guys like Diego and Titus O’Neil. Give any of those guys purpose.
What Will Happen: I’ve gotta call a Cesaro win. His new t-shirt reportedly says BATTLE ROYALTY on it, and winning two important battle royals in the span of a few months is reason enough to justify it. Plus, it makes him a big deal when the next Royal Rumble comes along.
Staff Picks:
Danielle Matheson – My heart tells me to Bo-Lieve, but is overridden by my need to see Cesaro swing at least seven participants into the sun. Winner: Cesaro
David D. – Cesaro has been losing a lot on RAW, which seems to mean that he’s getting ready for a secondary title run so he can keep losing. He’s my pick to win, though it’d be cool if they put the belt on Del Rio because lulz.
Austin Heiberg – First of all, why is only one Matador in this match? Regardless of that, I have Bo Dallas and Cesaro as the final two guys in the ring. Bo’s streak ends when Cesaro flings him into low orbit. Also, look for Kofi shenanigans and Rybaxel just being a general delight.
Nate Birch – They’re actually been giving Kofi one of his regular mini-pushes, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is the match where they finally let “battle royal specialist” Kofi Kingston win a battle royal.
Jessica Hudnall – Bo Dallas because it’s his job to ruin things for Wade Barrett in over-the-top-rope style matches. I’d like for Big E or Cesaro to win because those dudes are snazzy as hell, and my darkhorse is Heath Slater, but I BO-LIEVE, I BO-LIEVE THAT HE WILL WIN!
Ashley Burns – I’m going with Miz. I’d have picked Dolph Ziggler as the guy who I want to win, but I assume that he and Fandango will knock each other out while fighting over Summer Rae, whom everyone hates because she talks about everyone behind their backs.
Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho
What Should Happen: Chris Jericho is Chris Jericho. Nothing you do to him at this point dulls that. He can come back and have a half-hearted run full of disappointing matches and people will still go OMG Y2J every time he shows up. He’s earned it. He also doesn’t really seem to have a purpose right now other than putting over the young guys Cena won’t (that sounds more Internet Complainy than I intended, but you get what I’m saying). Jericho should fight his heart out, but he should lose … and he should lose CLEANLY, because the “oh no Harper and Rowan with the vicious assault” is played the hell out.
What Will Happen: You know how all the Raws before Battleground have felt like placeholders? Like, they didn’t have any ideas on how to progress the stories so they just had everybody stand still for a month? I feel like Battleground itself is just a placeholder for SummerSlam. All the important stuff that should happen here is gonna get squeezed out until August. I’m predicting an unexpected Jericho win, probably followed by a beatdown, or an inconclusive thing that justifies a SummerSlam rematch.
I would give anything if WWE banned “rematches” for a year.
Staff Picks:
Danielle Matheson – Jericho’s Cool Dad Who Still Works Out physique makes me sad. Winner: Bray Wyatt
David D. – Wyatt takes on the Job Lord in what will probably be a DQ that will *drumroll* continue the feud. We all know that Jericho is going to eventually come out the loser of the feud and help build Bray, so this match will just further the feud. I’m going DQ via another eight-year-old.
Austin Heiberg – Bray needs momentum back after being sarcophagus’d by John Cena, and Chris Jericho has more or less settled into the role of making younger guys look good. I love Y2J, but he’s not chasing titles any time soon. Wyatt gets his mojo back and beats Jericho here. However, should Jericho win, you can probably count on a rematch, possibly at SummerSlam.
Nate Birch – This is a tough one, since both guys are in desperate need of a win — Bray is coming off the Cenapocalypse, and Jericho just returned and was losing to Fandango last time we saw him. I have a feeling Jericho wants to lose, but WWE wants him to win. I dunno. I’ll go with Bray I guess.
Jessica Hudnall – If Jericho shows up with Ralphus and claims he’s Bray’s dad, I’ll lose my gourd. That’s pretty damn doubtful, though, so I’ll pick Wyatt to win via yokel interference. Bray will say this means something and then sing a folk song (I’m waiting for him to go super heel route and sing the entirety of “Alice’s Restaurant”).
Ashley Burns – I have no clue what’s happening in this feud, so I’ll pick Jericho because he just returned. He just returned, right? God I hope I don’t get any of the meaningless facts wrong.
Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee vs. Paige
What Should Happen: A great match. A match so good you don’t have to add a “for Divas” qualifier. Paige has done it before, and AJ could sure use it.
What Will Happen: Who the Hell knows? WWE is convinced that female pro wrestlers are there as eye candy and to give people a break before important Guy Stuff. It’s just what they think, and how they operate. So when they get women who look good but can also work, it’s frustrating to see them hold back the working side of it and send them through the same motions they’d send Cameron. AJ vs. Paige will probably look exactly like the Funkadactyls match, and while that’s disappointing, it is absolutely no surprising.
For the sake of picking someone, I’ll pick AJ to retain and Paige to get bent out of shape about it afterwards. Also: so many “CM Punk” chants.
Staff Picks:
Danielle Matheson – I literally do not care who wins, so long as I don’t have to listen to a second of commentary. So uh, Winner: AJ, people with mute functions on their televisions.
David D. – Please give them 15 minutes, guys. I think this match ends in a DQ with a Paige heel turn that *drumroll* continues the feud into Summerslam. Is anyone else excited to see all of these rematches in, like, 10 days? I hope these two get a chance to dethrone Charlotte and Nattie as Diva match of the year at some point.
Austin Heiberg – Up to this point, the feud has been the most pseudo-courteous, Deep South “bless your heart” thing ever, and it’s been wonderful to watch. Unfortunately, this is where it’ll boil over and get ugly. AJ Lee wins and retains her title until the next Diva they bring up from NXT gets the Paige treatment. PLEASE TELL ME IT’S BAYLEY.
Nate Birch – They seem to be doing a thing where Paige is being an obviously disingenuous friend to AJ, so she’s probably turning on her (again) at Battleground. The question is, does Paige lose to AJ then turn on her out of frustration, or does Paige turn during the match and use heel tactics to beat AJ? The former would be less dramatic and make a new star look bad, so that’s probably what they’ll do. AJ wins.
Jessica Hudnall – I want a prolonged feud between these two, but I’m not a big fan of belts getting hot potato’d around. I’d like to see AJ retain, but what I want more than anything is this match to go at least ten minutes.
Ashley Burns – Oh no, are they fighting over me? I’m so flattered, but I can’t choose between them. Just kidding, I pick AJ and she picks me and then we run off together and start an organic jams and jellies shop in Portland.
2 out of 3 Falls for the Tag Team Championships: The Usos vs. The Wyatt Family
What Should Happen: A title change. The Usos are a lot of fun, but they’re more fun in short bursts. If the Wyatts can dethrone them, the Usos are forced to stop smiling and jumping and actually handle their business. That’s what I want to see from them. Personalities beyond “we are ridiculous, don’t you like us a lot??”
What Will Happen: A title change, I think. It’s time. If nothing else changes hands on this show (besides the Intercontinental Championship, I guess), the tag straps should switch. The Usos have had a good run, and giving them an obstacle can continue it. Keep them fresh. Plus, the Wyatt Family needs something to do besides holding the arms of whoever Bray Wyatt’s mad at now. 2 out of 3 falls should be really good. It should go Wyatts first fall, Usos second, Wyatts third. But just barely.
Staff Picks:
Danielle Matheson – Harper powerbombing the face paint right off of the Uso’s would make me the happiest. Winner: Harper and Rowan
David D. – I’m worried about the Usos. I have no clue what they’ll do if they lose the titles, but can the Wyatts really lose two months in a row? I’m going with the Usos, though and we get Stardust injected into this feud somehow for a triple threat at Summerslam.
Austin Heiberg – Harper and Rowan have been “ready” for a while now. If the trigger is going to be pulled on these guys, a big stipulation like Two Out of Three Falls seems like the right reason to do so. I mean, who else is ready to be the top tag team right now? Is the International Airstrike Reunion Tour coming to Raw? Wyatt Family brings the titles home.
Nate Birch – WWE sees The Usos as potential major, neon shirt-selling, kid-favorite superstars, and they’re going to keep the titles on them until it happens. Usos win.
Jessica Hudnall – Two out of three falls? CAMPEONATAS DE PAREJAS AQUI! The Usos’ super kick party train stops at Yokel-ville Junction, though. Harper and Rowan use the advanced tactic of being big as hell to win the belts (So much nicer than those rope and extension cord numbers they usually sport!).
Ashley Burns – I honestly don’t know who Harper and Rowan are, so the Usos, I guess.
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
What Should Happen: I’ve read about WWE officials (and Johnny Ace!) allowing wrestlers to wrestle “Japan style matches” in front of the Japanese crowds on tour. They should try out one of those Japan style matches here with Ambrose and Rollins. Let them go full blast for 12-15 and blow everybody out of the water. Set a new precedent for what a “good match” is in WWE outside of six-mans and WrestleMania.
I’d put Ambrose over. Keep his momentum going and give him a big win so fans don’t start thinking he’s a loser. Plus, if Rollins cashes in later and becomes WWE WHC you’ve got a ready-made feud beyond the stuff that happened a month ago. It benefits Rollins, too, because it gives him a Bret Hart at WrestleMania X thing. He lost the five-star opener but won the championship in the main event.
What Will Happen: The same thing, I think. The only difference is that Rollins will win, capitalizing on Ambrose spending the last month getting shit-kicked by everyone. Either way, it should be great.
Staff Picks:
Danielle Matheson – I am so into asshole Seth Rollins I can’t even tell you. Winner: Seth Rollins
David D. – Seth Rollins is going to win via DQ or they’re going to run an injury angle from Dean Ambrose’s beatdown on Monday. Either way, Ambrose loses and we *drumroll* continue the feud into Summerslam.
Austin Heiberg – The beatdown that Ambrose suffered on Raw will probably come into play here. Plus, Seth needs momentum going forward so he doesn’t Sandow his role as Mr. Money in the Bank. I’ve got Rollins here. This may end up stealing the show.
Nate Birch – Most MiTB holders end up in a Intercontinental Championship situation where WWE thinks the briefcase gives them enough credibility that they can lose all the time, and I don’t see it being any different for Seth Rollins. Ambrose with the win (likely via DQ, count-out or other cheesiness).
Jessica Hudnall – There’s no way this ends in a regular finish. Rollins and Ambrose are just going to brawl with each other until there’s a double count-out or DQ. If I’m contractually obligated to pick a winner (I guess I am, since it’s not like I can choose “draw” for my UFC picks), I’ll go with Rollins so he can be riding a wave of momentum when he attempts to cash in his briefcase after the title match (He won’t get the chance due to Dean, of course). Also, it would be great if Ambrose is just too crazy-violent and wild to focus on winning a match, playing up the fact that Rollins was the guy that kind of kept him in check and could focus him to the task at hand.
Ashley Burns – I assume Rollins will have outside help and they’ll all crush Ambrose into a mangled ball of charisma.
Jack Swagger vs. Rusev
What Should Happen: The simplest, most effective heel vs. face match. Be Randy the Ram and The Ayatollah. It works.
What Will Happen: Urida, machka. Repeat.
Staff Picks:
Danielle Matheson – Holy shit a winner is me. Actual Winner: Rusev, OR whatever gets us a continuation of Jack Swagger of Mars featuring sexy but deadly cyborg-cosmonaut Lana.
David D. – Lana looks sexy as hell and sexies up the sexiness until my brain explodes. And Rusev wins. I imagine this feud will actually end here and Swagger and Coulter can maybe go back to being heels. Either way, Rusev’s undefeated streak continues until he faces an also undefeated Bo Dallas to main event WrestleMania
Austin Heiberg – First of all, Rusev needs to start this match by getting nose-to-nose with Swagger and saying “I must break you.” I WOULD LOSE MY MIND. Anyway, I feel like Swagger is the right guy to make Rusev finally tap out. It’ll be tough to see the streaks of Bo Dallas and Rusev fall in the same night, but I’ll survive. Also, I have a 300:1 long-shot bet on Zeb doing something sexist to Lana.
Nate Birch – I don’t even really remember what a longer-than-three-minutes Jack Swagger singles match looks like, so the only way I can imagine this going is a three-minute Rusev squash.
Jessica Hudnall – I was going to pick Rusev, but The Iron Sheik said his camel clutch was good, but not Sheiky class, bubba. If he had the legend’s full endorsement, I’d take him in a heartbeat. As it stands, Swagger will win, which I think means Russia gets annexed into the US. Suck on that, Putin!
Ashley Burns – I wish the WWE would evolve beyond the stale USA vs. Russia gimmick, no matter how much we love Lana and want her Russia-meets-California-and-sometimes-England accent to continue. Make Swagger and Rusev team up like the guys in Iron Eagle 2, and have them fight against another tag team that is just two A-holes. Stop perpetuating international hatred for the sake of an easy story. That said, KICK HIS ASS, SWAGGER! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
