Wait, is this diet? YOU FIEND.
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“So, uh, hey guys, the writers have asked me to tell you about this man from Nantucket…”
Best: So…That’s Off The Table
Dean Ambrose faced an important challenge on Smackdown and, for the most part, came out smelling pretty good. The writers gave Ambrose a nice meaty chunk of hacky WWE comedy to chew through, in this case a hilarious list of cuh-razy stipulations for his match at SummerSlam, and he acquitted himself admirably. Being able to sell the writing team’s lazy ass jokes is the most valuable skill WWE guys (particularly faces) can possess — it’s certainly more important than that silly old wrestling stuff.
The key to delivering WWE comedy is subtly communicating that you know it’s crap, without going too far and coming off as embarrassed. Take the alligator bit from Dean’s promo for example — “Surround the ring with alligators!” is the first thing literally anybody asked to think of funny match stips would think of. Your mom who’s never watched wrestling would make that joke. Dean knows he’s been dealt some lousy material, but instead of looking hangdog and just muscling through it like John Cena or Dolph Ziggler might, he delivers the joke with a little twist. He wanted alligators, but the logistics didn’t work out! Dean Ambrose sitting at a desk with a protractor and compass trying to figure out the logistics of alligators is a funny image. He took weak material and subtly elevated it — that’s a skill that’s going to serve him hugely well in his WWE career.
“That stipulation choice is an outrage and I refuse to…wait, did you say lumberjack match? Huh.”
Worst: A Human Cage. A Wall of Flesh.
A lumberjack match! It’s like a human cage! A wall of flesh! Why, the guys surrounding the ring are like living chain link! Dean just had a last-minute brain fart and meant to say “cage match”, right? It’s okay man, Smackdown is pre-taped — we allow take-backsies on Friday night.
Also, how does a lumberjack match benefit Ambrose or play into his agenda at all? He’s the guy who likes to sneak around at ringside and play with chairs. All he’s done is create a frustrating ringside congestion issue for himself.
Looks like the Human Garbage Convention is in town again.
Worst: Crossfit Catwoman
We cut to the blonde, overly tanned beefcake as he mocks somebody not there to defend himself and bathes, self-satisfied, in the disingenuous chuckles of his vapid posse of beautiful people. In what other form of entertainment in the entire f*cking world would this guy be the hero?
Then Rollins does show up to defend himself and everyone scatters like cowards, then Ziggler makes a crack about Rollins looking like Catwoman in his new ring gear. I mean, he does, but this is coming from Dolph Ziggler, a guy literally wearing a neon pink tank top and tiny fetish hot pants as he questions the masculinity of another man’s outfit. Men in vinyl houses shouldn’t throw, uhhh…no, on second thought I’m bailing on this idiom.
Best: Adorable Giant Fat Men
Hey look, another promising tag team combination that won’t amount to anything because only The Usos (and maybe The Ascension) are allowed to be champs.
I’m not sure where Big Show and Mark Henry keep disappearing to, but hey, if they’re both healthy/not filming a movie at the same time, may as well stick ’em together as the big, giant part-timers. Mark Henry pretending like it hurt when he fist-bumped Show was adorable, and the ensuing match was plenty of fun too. Axel scampering through Henry’s legs was amusing, as was his deeply hurt expression when Henry finally caught and clubbered him. Ryback had his moments too, sticking up for his buddy and challenging Henry to take on the BIG GUY then attempting, in perhaps a slightly misguided move, to powerbomb him. Show Henry, the colossal combination.
Worst: Mr. Without Face
Nice timing on the “all Mexicans are border-hopping dirt” laffs, WWE. Very topical. I suppose you did refrain from having Sin Cara slap Sandow though, so there’s that.
Best: Rollins vs. Ziggler
Despite not really having anyone to root for, this match was fairly entertaining stuff. Ziggler did a bit too much selling early on, but things picked up nicely in the back half. Ziggler in particular seems to be working on his offense — he did a lot of Daniel Bryan-esque “run screaming and hurl yourself at the other guy” stuff in this one. On the other hand, he still did the overly-fast corner punches and Fameasser (how did I forget that one?) so baby steps, baby steps.
Best: Good While It Lasted
My kneejerk reaction is to give any match that lasts under two minutes a Worst, but technically nothing about this Natalya/Paige match was bad. A lot of it was quite good actually — Natalya actually hit the spinning lariat with some force for once, and she took the Paige Turner on the floor and didn’t immediately collapse into a ball of defeat and tears. I don’t care if Paige hits it on a bed of nails, nobody should be laying down for the stupid Paige Turner. So yeah, a perfectly acceptable, well-worked match that happened to be 90-seconds long. I’m fine with Besting that, particularly on a thin week like this.
Worst: Uh, Did Xavier Woods Get Released?
Could somebody check? I’d do it myself, but that would involve opening Google and typing in his name, and you know what? It’s cool, don’t bother, I’ll embrace the mystery.
Whatever’s going on with Xavier Woods, he and Kofi Kingston sure as hell weren’t on Smackdown and Big E was out there, giant pleated khakis nowhere to be seen, jobbing to Rusev like a shmoe like the whole New Nation thing never happened. Has WWE wussed out on this already? Really? Kofi Kingston in a hoodie was too edgy for them? Sigh. At least Big E wasn’t doing his Jesse Jackson/Don King voice again.
Worst: This Match vs. My Consciousness
“He’s not orthodox enough to be unorthodox!” — the sound of JBL’s mental hard drive finally grinding to a permanent death.
I have a feeling this bout wasn’t terrible, but I was struggling mightily to stay awake during it. I legitimately nodded off twice during the match, and I was watching it at three in the freakin’ afternoon. I got a fine sleep the night before, I take my vitamins — I don’t know what to say. It was just finding it really damn dull. The bandages on Dean Ambrose’s shoulder may as well have “work me over methodically” written on them, and you never want to challenge Randy Orton to be methodical, because you best believe he’ll bring his best gradually-paced game. Then Seth Rollins ran in for the DQ. Hey, you know what will put a stop to the constant interference in Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins matches? A lumberjack match! Oh, no wait, that will do the exact oppose of that. A lumberjack match. Gawd.
Worst: Seth Rollins Just Committed a Felony
Man, does Seth Rollins know how much a soda that big costs at a stadium? Dude should be booked for grand theft larceny.
Anyways, yes, this blood feud has now officially become a soda pop feud. Ambrose filled Rollin’s briefcase with pop on Raw and Rollins viciously retaliated by pouring a drink over Ambrose’s head on Smackdown.
SODA WARS! Also Paige, because, uh, do I really need a reason?
Nobody teach these guys about Diet Coke and Mentos — we don’t want this thing going nuclear.
