The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/5/15

Pre-show notes:

– 2014 is dead! Welcome to the new 2014.

– If Raw’s been frustrating you lately, I’d suggest taking a break from it and checking out Beyond Wrestling’s #RAWlternative show. On January 19th they’re spending all 3 hours of Raw streaming some of the best independent wrestling matches from promotions around the country — for free — online. It costs nothing and helps promote a great cause, which is more “support pro wrestling” and less “f*ck WWE.” If we spent one night watching that instead of this, we could probably make a difference. And hell, worst case scenario I have to watch Raw anyway and you can read about it here. So if you wanna help out, head over to the Facebook page and say you’re “going.”

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Please click through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 5, 2015.

Best: John Cena Starts And Ends The Show Standing In A Graveyard

A lot’s already been said about the finish of the show — a morose John Cena doing his Bray Wyatt cage face in a rainstorm of confetti because his good deeds ruined a bunch of peoples’ lives — but I also loved the open, with John being the Important Center of a ring full of castaways. A lot of WWE’s bigger stars are either hurt or “gone” for some reason. No Randy Orton, no Sheamus, no Daniel Bryan. It’s just Cena commanding “the entire locker room” of Hunico Sin Cara, an Uso, The New Day in their matching outfits, Adam Rose and Darren Young, who I guess is skipping the Bunny reveal and re-debuting as John Cena’s shadow. He looks like John Cena cosplaying a sixties Klingon.

The opening takes forever (like always), but it accomplishes one major goal: the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match at the Royal Rumble will now be a triple threat, with Seth Rollins joining Brock Lesnar and John Cena as a “thank you” for last week’s blackmailing services. Cena gets put into a condescending “John Cena Appreciation Night” gag, too, because even though their presence is a hindrance and nothing matters in WWE, The Authority are hilarious next-level trolls.

Note: I was really hoping that when The Authority was making matches for the night, they’d do it with the people around the ring. “TONIGHT, IT’S GONNA BE RANDY ORTON … wait, where’s Randy? Oh right. TONIGHT, IT’S GONNA BE EMMA GOING ONE ON ONE WITH RICK VIKTOR.”

Best: 2 Clean Finishes Out Of 3 Ain’t Bad

The opening match is Dolph Ziggler defending the Intercontinental Championship against the man who never lost it, Bad News Barrett. I guess we’re mind-wiping the whole “it’s me it’s me it’s BNB” babyface bit from last week and now he’s just wrestling as WADE again. They wrestle for a bit and it just suddenly ends.

Barrett spends the next what was it, 20 minutes? Tossing Dolph into whatever he can find. Poor Ziggler’s getting rag-dolled and having to stand on spaghetti legs so much recently he should probably start wrestling in a football helmet. This goes on and on, and eventually Kane wanders out and reveals that the Authority ISN’T just making good wrestling matches for a wrestling show: they’re bad guys. This match is now 2-out-of-3 falls, and Ziggler’s got an inoperable body side and has to survive 1-2 more matches against a guy who at worst was temporarily incapacitated by a roll-up.

Barrett quickly wins the second fall with Wasteland, which Cole calls the “Winds of Change” but at least corrects later. So that essentially gives us a clean slate with heightened drama, with Ziggler once again fighting valiantly from underneath and Barrett as a crummy opportunist. Now, giving the match a clean finish would’ve been fine in either direction and benefitted both guys. If Ziggler wins, he looks like the super hero he was at Survivor Series and Barrett almost manipulating a title change but failing due to hubris (and not getting his ass beaten) makes him look like a future threat. He’ll come back angrier and smarter next time. If Barrett wins, Ziggler got screwed and fought with all his heart, but Barrett looks strong for straight-up knocking him out. Instead, because WWE, Kane gets on the apron and we do a distraction finish. Because “the evil bosses set me up to get injured and then stacked the odds against me with an unexpected match stipulation” isn’t enough.

I’m giving it a Best because even with the copout it was slathered in effort, and I want to see more Intercontinental Championship matches treated like important situations. Still though, how great would WWE be if they weren’t afraid to make choices? Bad guys can be bad guys without rotating out the same five “cheap win” tropes. People can be hated beyond “I held onto your underwear when it shouldn’t have.”

Worst: Kane’s Hair

This motherf*cker has gone full Butch Patrick, and is two months of unmonitored hair growth from being Jerry Only. I don’t think I’ve ever seen somebody’s hair grow like that in real life. Is he a Dracula?

Worst: Roman Reigns’ Sound Effects Do Not Make Me Think He’s A Cool Adult

In a moment I will not justify with a screencap (despite how amazing Renee looks with her disheveled “sea spray” hair), Roman Reigns has taken the Superman from his cockfist and spread it over his entire body. He’s now FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET, with “pew pew” noises. He’s ABLE TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND with PANTOMIME, even though he’s got like a six inch vertical and fakes it by scissoring his legs. It’s not a bird, it’s not a plane, it’s a guy who is super into 1940s cartoons, I guess!

Two suggestions:

1. If you’re giving Roman Reigns a Max Fleischer gimmick, make him Koko the Clown.

2. If you’re giving Roman Reigns an “I remember cartoons” gimmick, go all the way with it and start calling him the King Of Cartoons. Replace “believe that” with “let the cartoons BEGIN” and call his jumping scissor cockpunch the Rotoscope.

Worst: THESE GAHS ARE ASSHOLES MAGGLE

The Ascension shows up to do the only two things you’d ever expect The Ascension to do: defeat “local talent” and cut a bad promo that reminds you of Demolition and/or the Road Warriors. That’s their job. That’s what they’ve been positioned to do since the moment someone at NXT slowly pulled a block of cheese from Konnor’s hands.

The problem? JBL immediately shuts them down, saying they couldn’t carry the Road Warriors’ bags. This would be fine if, you know, there was another announcer to disagree with him and put over the young talent. But nope, the announce team spends the ENTIRE MATCH talking about how these new guys who for all intents and purposes we haven’t seen much of couldn’t possibly be as good as famous old tag teams, and they’re embarrassing liar gay butthole babies who should’ve never gotten WWE jobs. The local talent? JBL calls them Cuban refugees or something and totally shits on the concept of enhancement talent being used to disguise weaknesses and make stars look good. There’s no payoff. It’s just JBL indignantly farting from his throat every second their on TV.

So, uh, what’s the point of that, guys? You keep these dudes in developmental forever trying to find something that works, and when you do you tweak it just enough for it to piss off everyone who could make them popular or famous? What’s your end game? Are they gonna beat up JBL next week and hit him with a Doomsday Device? No. All this needed was JBL breaking a candy jar on Konnor’s face and having him roll around yelling MY EYES, MY EYES!

Everyone involved in this should be ashamed. And hey, if you’re gonna have an announcer bury every NXT guy you bring up, maybe don’t have it be the one who was supposed to be NXT GM for a year? Maybe it’s all a work to further the NXT vs. WWE tensions, but shit, “make the biggest audience you have resent everyone you’ll have in the future” seems like history’s most WCW idea.

Worst: Stairface Chippendale

□ Built interest in future matches
□ Properly utilized 7-foot 500-pound multiple time champion
□ Had an entertaining match
□ Saved marquee matchup for upcoming event you want people to pay money to see
☑ Roman looked strong

The “next chapter in the budding rivalry” between Big Show and Roman Reigns is (surprise surprise) a one-on-one match between Big Show and Roman Reigns that goes for a while and suddenly ends in DQ. I’m so sad that “they wrestled for no reason and then there was a non-finish” happens so many times so many weeks and months in a row that it sounds like a smarky catchphrase and not an accurate, humorless recap of what actually happened.

The sad thing is that it wasn’t bad. Much like Reigns’ match with Rollins last week, the guy appears to be getting better in singles matches. There’s such a thing as protecting someone too much, and now you’re protecting DA JUGGERNAUT so much you’re doing him two disservices:

1. You never allow him to look vulnerable, so it infuriates people who aren’t stupid or six and it’s impossible to build drama around him.
2. You’re so worried about him f*cking up these singles matches and “not being ready” that you’re accidentally negating his progress.

To use an example everybody knows, Rocky Maivia was goofy and horrible when he showed up. They didn’t just decide he was going to be the Rock and the face of the company. They put him in a situation that would play to his strengths — his natural charisma and Football Guy athleticism — without begging fans to love him. Eventually people picked up on the fact that he was charismatic and athletic, and without the YOU MUST LOVE ROCKY shit being written on posterboard and held in their faces two hours a night every night the crowds fell in love. That’s what you should be doing with Roman, and that’s a reason why “the IWC” or whatever label you give undefined groups of strangers to validate your weird contrarian opinions have a problem with him. The Rock was a project. He moved up fast, but it still took a while. He showed ass all the time and did interviews with Clinton mistresses and got portraits of himself stomped on. He didn’t show up as the coolest guy in the room and when that coolness went away, they didn’t say “no, seriously, be obsessed with how perfect and cool he is.”

Roman can’t even get beaten up. He got knocked over a table once and was fine. Show keeps getting punched out and being overpowered and emasculated and having stairs fall on his face. Can we maybe do something else?

Worst: “Diva” As Its Own Alignment

Somewhere in the middle of the show, Alicia Fox passes Show on the all-time turns list by beating up Naomi (“nie-omi”) backstage. Cameron jumps in to check on Naomi and make sure she’s okay, totally ignoring literally the only character development Cameron’s ever had. When it’s time for the Divas to wrestle, Paige (a heel) is there to hug Natalya (a face) and help her cheat to beat the Bella Twins, who are also heels?

Total Divas has started again, meaning whatever happens on that show (despite it being taped several months ago and featuring observable WWE events and pay-per-views that HAPPENED several months ago) instantly changes Diva alignments. Natalya can call Paige a “little bitch” or whatever but if the previews say they’re friends, here’s Paige on Raw hugging Natalya. Cameron and Alicia Fox are playing alignment hopscotch to fit whatever bad booking WWE came up with on Monday afternoon, and the Bellas are tighter than ever despite that whole “you’re my slave for a month” thing.

It may be time to stop thinking of Divas as faces and heels. They’re just Divas. A WWE Diva is a petty, horrible, constantly jealous person who wants success but can’t earn it, wants love but can’t express that beyond pointing, and needs reassurance and 100% attention from any man in their life. They are defined by their relationships, but change them more than they change pants.

Also I think this qualifies Big Show as a Diva.

Worst: The Wyatt Family Is Pretty Much Dead In The Water

The next match is Erick Rowan vs. Luke Harper, which we’re still not taking seriously. The crowd is unbearably dead for it, and the nonsense of Harper needing two special guest Authority referees (J&J Security) to beat a guy who’s always clearly been the lesser of the two is kinda sad. Noble and Mercury are funny, sure, but besides reconnecting The Authority to a Team Cena member relating to a retconned situation despite him not specifically winning and barely even being on Team Cena at all is so unnecessary.

Here’s a good question: why do a fast count if the guy’s not going to kick out? Noble drops down all ONETWOTHREE, but the drama is in establishing that fast counts can happen, and then trying to avoid them. Having a fast count for a knocked out guy is just pointless. “They’re bad guys!” We got that from seriously everything else that has happened on Raw for the past two hours. Also, the past year. Also EVERY WRESTLING SHOW EVER.

Best: The Hospital On 34th Street Fight

Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt beating each other up, hitting each other with weapons and jumping off things would’ve been really great if we hadn’t seen it weekly for two months. As it stands, it was still a highlight of the show, and I can’t in good faith hate on Dean Ambrose setting up a SPECIAL HOSPITAL TABLE THAT IS BRIGHT WHITE WITH A RED CROSS IN THE CENTER and putting Wyatt through it by jumping off an ambulance. I don’t ever want to be that dead inside. It was a special hospital ambulance table. That ambulances TOTALLY HAVE IN REAL LIFE.

Wyatt winning again was fairly obvious, because they’re building Wyatt up to lose to someone at WrestleMania and Dean Ambrose is just Heath Slater in jeans.

Worst: The Mind Games Continue!!11

Here’s how dumb Jimmy Uso is: he thinks his wife, a beautiful black woman in Trapper Keeper pants and a blaze orange t-shirt is Damien Mizdow, a tall white man with a beard in white Miz underpants. He’s like, “aw shucks, TWIN MAGIC GOT ME AGAIN.”

This is after the last month or so of Miz offering Naomi entertainment opportunities, never being too much of a creep about it, getting her a legit title shot and then fairly losing a tag team match being called Usos “mind games.” They’re playing mind games by letting things happen naturally around them! It’s a trick of the brain!

I don’t know. He probably shouldn’t be, but Jimmy Uso’s like the biggest heel on the show to me. I don’t care what happens to The Authority or Seth Rollins, really, but I want someone to take Jimmy Uso to the f*cking woodshed.

Worst: You Know What’d Make This Show Better? Kane Vs. Ryback With A Bunch Of Interference

buuuhhhhhhh

When Seth Rollins vs. Ryback was announced, I thought hey, nobody’s gotten a better match out of The Big Guy than The Shield Guys, so maybe it’ll be good. They’ll position the sell-out attempted murderer in leather everything against the well-meaning meathead who’s trying to atone for past mistakes because he’s been motivated by a self-help book. That’s interesting, at least. The value of hard work and a good heart against shittily taking what you want at other peoples’ expense.

I did not take into consideration the night’s theme of “remember Dude Love vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin? It’s like that, but with a bunch of people you aren’t interested in.”

Instead of Rollins vs. Ryback, we get Rollins and KANE vs. Ryback. After TLC, the last thing I want to see in my lifetime is Kane vs. Ryback. I don’t want them in the same ring. I don’t want them to be co-workers. I want Ryback to wrestle in the Himalayas and Kane to direct operations in Fiji. I want them as far away from one another as possible. Put Kane on a space station and throw Ryback in the Marianas Trench.

The resulting match isn’t terrible, but it’s built so dependently upon the same tired 2-on-1 cheating we’ve seen in everything else that it’s just a chore to get through. You know Ryback isn’t stacking them and hitting Shell Shocked, so you just watch Kane and Rollins pull each other around by the leg to escape moves until it’s time for Curb Stomps. It could’ve been worse, but it’s the very definition of “wrestling for the sake of wrestling.” You could’ve put a video package of Triple H and Stephanie kissing set to an Imagine Dragons song in place of the match and it would’ve established the same themes.

Worst: Booker T Just Got Here

God bless Booker T, I guess. He got his entire independent wrestling promotions jobs on the show as Rosebuds and jobbers, and for the most part he wasn’t offensive on color. I even liked him pointing out stuff like Bad News Barrett being injury prone, which adds depth to the match.

That said, he decided to point out that two men could never beat one during a Ryback match. A RYBACK MATCH. ON JOHN CENA APPRECIATION NIGHT. There has literally never been a better time for one guy to beat two.

Ah well, at least Booker didn’t accidentally announce Kane’s retirement.

Worst: And Now, The Blockbuster Main-Event

This week’s main event, the first of 2015 — remembering that over 60% of Raws in 2014 ended in segments or non-finishes — is a segment. Before it is Adam Rose vs. Big E with a non-finish. I can’t even begin to point out what a f*cking sadness factory you’re running where Adam Rose and Big E can’t have a clean ending. Who are you protecting? WHY ARE YOU DOING ANY OF THESE THINGS.

As cool as the reveal of the SUPER ROSEBUDS was, how does it benefit Cesaro or Kidd? Getting them on the show? That’s cool and all, I love them, but how prestigious will it be for them to be the two guys on the apron when Adam Rose gets distracted by the Bunny and loses a six-man tag to Clappy Clapperson and the Positivity Gang?

Best: Cesaro And Tyson Kidd In Their Invisible Suits

FRUSTRATING FUTURE OF EVERYTHING aside, I was excited to see Tyson Kidd and TONI~ slum it as Rosebuds for a few minutes to make a big theatrical reveal. I loved their outfits, and I hope when Adam Rose goes full-devil he makes the Rosebuds into these godless monsters. Have him be Sander Cohen from Bioshock. Instead of a happy, possibly-drug-controlling constant partier he becomes an artist, using humanity’s greatest failures (the Rosebuds) as art projects. Get high brow with it.

And hey, if you watched the Backstage Fallout videos and want those amazing Tyson Kidd and Cesaro shirts, go buy them here. You’ll be able to wear your love of the team (“The Masters Of The Universe,” or as I like to call them, “The It Facter”) and won’t be financially supporting the people who keep encouraging them to try a little less.

Best: The Authority As The Gremlins From Gremlins 2

The end of the show is this absurd schadenfreude with The Authority passive-aggressively complimenting John Cena for his failures by firing his Survivor Series team in front of him and dumping a bunch of confetti on the crowd. It’s honestly one of the darkest endings they’ve had to Raw in a while and great if you hate John Cena, but you’ve kinda gotta be a wrestling nihilist to appreciate it. Like, Cena retconning Survivor Series at the first sign of trouble — a retired wrestler he’s supposed to hate being in danger of getting kicked in the head ONCE, even — is bad enough. Now you’ve got the ENTIRETY of the past 40-ish days removed from the record books as Ziggler, Ryback and Erick Rowan all get fired for winning and Cena once again does nothing to help them. Even THEVIGILANTESTING is nowhere to be found, despite Triple H namedropping him a hundred times to set up a pretty-obvious ripcord baseball attack.

The sad thing is how hard WWE’s worked to tell us nothing matters. Remember when Cena got fired? He didn’t miss a show. Remember when The Authority was taken out of power? They went on vacation. Remember Survivor Series, your match of the year, where everything was on the line and stakes had never been higher? Remember when Sting showed up and blew your mind? Didn’t matter, and Sting hasn’t shown up since. Do not expect any of this to end well and learn to forget it, because you’re stupid for watching and we’ll do whatever we want.

Still, though …

Best: Stephanie’s Dancing And Sad John Cena Is Sad

You deserve it, fictional John. See you in a few months when you’re dressed in black and wielding a broadsword over somebody’s grave.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

LUNI_TUNZ

“a night that should be full of celebration, fun and hope for the future. However, […] John Cena”

Well said, WWE.com.

Mr Grift

I’ve kind of been spoiled by NJPW and Shinsuke Nakamura: King of Strong Style this weekend. I don’t know if I can go back to WWE and Roman Reigns: King of Make Him Look Strong Style.

LastTexansFan

[Daniel Bryan comes out]

“Hey guys…I never lost the title either….guys?”

[HHH pulls down his swimtrunks]

booferama

With that hair, Ziggler should change his name to Ramen Reigns.

Spitty

Dolph: Damn it, I lost the IC title
BNB: Damn it, I won the IC title

beef supreme

* keep squinting, keep squinting, keep squinting*
*flubs line*
* walks away*
” Nailed it”

BigJohn

THE DEAN AMBROSE

FREQUENCY: Unique
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 5
MOVE: 12″
HIT DICE: 6+3
% IN RING: 0%/100% if The Bray Wyatt is present
TREASURE TYPE: N, U, T
NO. OF ATTACKS: 3/2
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d8+2
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Coney Island Condiment, functions as Prismatic Spray, per level 12 illusionist; Greater Shocking Grasp (material component, flat screen TV) causes 4d10 area of effect damage in 6′ radius.
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Teleportation 200-mile radius (material component, taxi cab); Climb Ladders as level 16 thief; Dimensional Pocket, confers 100% likelihood to hide in shadows (material component, man-sized container).
FINISHER RESISTANCE: 20%
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic neutral
SIZE: M
X.P. VALUE: 14,000