Not only is the next great American holiday — John Cena’s birthday — three days away, but we’re balls deep in intense promotion for his upcoming Russian Chain Match against Rusev at Extreme Rules. What better way to get pumped for both of these than to take a look back at one of Cena’s more delightful dissertations on Basic Thuganomics, an A-Team parody-themed music video, featuring a group of vigilante anti-heroes called “The Chain Gang?”
I think I just pulled a muscle stretching that far.
The video is for the track ‘Bad, Bad Man’ from Cena’s debut album You Can’t See Me. The song features a fellow from Long Island called Bumpy Knuckles, and Cena’s rapmaster cousin Tha Trademarc. Did you know Tha Trademarc is one person, and not a collective of Boston street cats clinging to one another in Celtics jerseys, trying to pass themselves off as a real human? Me, neither!
Before we get to the very best moments from the video, it’s important to take a look at the lyrics. There’s enough happening in the video that it’s easy to let a few of these gems slip by. Believe me, when Cena shouts, “Y’ALL AIN’T READY FOR NONE OF THIS!” he is super duper not kidding. Here are my personal favorite lines:
Shocked the world, now I’m standin’ alone
I flip fools like them clamshell cellular phones
You can’t help but nod your head to the track
F*ck the watered down rap, we be takin’ it back
Is there a more beautifully dated line than “clamshell cellular phones?” No, there is not. It’s good to know that Cena is taking back rap, though. Just as his white Massachusetts spat rhymes before him, so will John Cena reclaim his gangster birthright.
Even in a fight with the hands I’m a bad man
Livin in the streets all my life I’m a bad man
I’m a bad man, I’m a bad man
Even, but especially, in a fight with THE HANDS. The chorus is rapped by Mr. Knuckles, but I like to think Cena wrote this while reflecting on what he learned coming up on the mean streets of West Newbury, making his way in the world with what little he had.
Punchlines – man, don’t even beg
I got knee-slappin tracks, y’all brusin’ your leg
You a rhyme writer – funny man, that’s a joke
You ain’t worthy of bein my secretary man that’s a quote
I flood tracks like cracks in boats
And pussy rappers choked up with they own lines in they throat
I like to think the bruisin’ your leg line is where this turns into a diss track on every Ring of Honor wrestler who emphasizes their kicks (or forearms, or stomps, or knees) a little too much. It’s not, but just a let a hypercritical girl dream, okay? And while I’m happy that Tha Trademarc found a way to work in an awkward maritime analogy (though I personally would have gone with something about how his rhymes drop panties like the illest sea shanties), I’m sad that we never get a follow up on the exact qualifications he looks for in an administrative assistant. Also, how do you think people address him? “No, Mr. Trademarc was my father. Please, call me Tha.”
The video itself was released to the world and into our hearts on the Judgement Day 2005 DVD, a show that featured such barn-burning MOTY contenders as Carlito vs. Big Show, and the mat classic of Orlando Jordan vs. Heidenreich. It’s an A-Team parody about how the 1980s have been taken hostage, proving that WWE is always on the cutting edge of connecting to the hot trends of that day’s youth.
Gary Coleman realized that losing the 1980s, he would leave him without any relevancy (you know…moreso), so he very loudly announces that his only hope is to find The Chain Gang. Thank God this pretty young waitress was within ear shot and W-W-WHAAAAA:
In the interest of transparency, I actually really love this song? And the video? Unironically? The video itself features these three gentleman beating up masked terrorists in a bar, Michael Jackson and Boy George impersonators, and a swerve ending worthy of… well, okay. It’s still probably better than most things Vince Russo has written. Also, Flame Thrower John Cena might be the best John Cena:
I really hope Cena’s upcoming Russian Chain Match at Extreme Rules is just an amped-up in-ring Eurovision reenactment of this song, but instead we get boxes full of Matryoshka dolls, and instead of Madonna, it’s just Paige and Becky Lynch as t.A.T.u.
