Did the Dudleyz manage to beat The Ascension? Read on for the shocking answer!
Pre-show Notes:
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Worst: Fear, Desolation And Destruction
Smackdown kicked off with Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper and Flex Kavana, er, I mean BRAUN STOWMAN making their way to the ring, and Lawler immediately pissed me off by being all, “THREE guys?! Has the Wyatt Family ever been this intimidating?” Really, WWE? We’re going to have the black sheep without acknowledging the original sheep ever existed? Don’t worry, Erick Rowan, I remember you. Sort of.
Bray Wyatt then went on a spiel how Brauny Paper Towels Man was a gift from Sister Abigail herself, which was concerning. Bray was talking about Abigail like she was an actual person, and if you follow the sheetz, there’s a rumor going around that WWE is again considering actually casting somebody as Sister Abigail. Unless they use Bray’s actual sister Mika, who looks like a wood nymph who lures careless hunters to their doom for her amusement, this won’t work. Really, seriously won’t work.
Braunson Pinchotman then took off his mask and tried to look scary (or something), which was good for a chuckle. My favorite thing about Braun Kitchen & Household Appliancesman is that he reminds me of so many people, and none of those people are intimidating in the least. A lot of folks have made the comparison to Samwell from Game of Thrones, which is certainly apt. He kind of reminds me of a puffy, hairy Aaron Paul. There’s also a touch of Will Forte in there. The next 10 times he shows up I’ll be reminded of 10 different charmingly non-threatening dorks.
Anyways, those fascists Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose came down to beat up Bray for speaking his mind, but the Wyatts took a walk before things could break down.
Best: Nostalgia, Don’t Fail Me Now
This was the Dudley Boyz match on WWE TV in more than a decade and oh boy, oh testify, and it was… pretty okay? I guess? They faced The Ascension, and, if you want an example of the staggering talent gap between The New Day and The Ascension, look no further than their reaction to the Dudleyz entrance. The New Day sold the hell out of it on Monday. Shock, fear, delight, mild arousal – they ran the gamut. Half the reason the return of the Dudleyz was so effective was New Day’s reaction. Viktor and Konnor, on the other hand, just kind of stand there like lumps when the Dudleyz come out, looking no more excited than would if they were facing Los Matadores.
Like I said, the match was fine. There were long lock-ups, and a surprising amount of back-and-forth action. Honestly, this was the time for a squash. The commentators were acting like they were witnessing this giddy, nostalgic, thrilling thing, but the match itself was mostly just headlocks and clotheslines and basic tag team formula. I’m not going to worst the Dudleyz first match back, because what kind of butthole would that make me? That said, we do not need to repeat this match on Raw. Please.
Best: #GiveTablesaChance
Thankfully, all memory that The Ascension even exist was wiped from existence when The New Day came out, carrying signs. New Day and signs are the best combination in the world, and I feel like the above screencap of Big E holding up a sign that says “Booty!” could get me through anything.
Best: The Formula Neville Forgot
Kevin Owens vs. Neville only went around five minutes, but I greatly enjoyed it while it lasted, as these two guys are actually perfect opponents. Owens hasn’t been ground down into a bland WWE-style worker yet, so Neville (who, sadly, has been) has to break from his usual formula with him, and credible, but ultimately expendable, guys like Neville are exactly who Kevin Owens should be wrestling on most shows. Owens has spent too much time looking impressive, but ultimately failing against top guys, so he needs to get some wins over the Nevilles and Cesaros of the world.
Owens started the match with some solid heel stuff, pulling Neville’s hair and, well, just generally being Kevin Owens. Neville came back with some good strikes and a snap German suplex (you know it’s a good Neville match if he breaks out the Germans), but eventually got kicked out of the air, pop-up powerbombed and pinned. This is the rare match I wouldn’t mind WWE beating to death.
Worst: Well, It Was Better Than Miz TV
Goddammit, enough with the pinky swearing. Children pinky swear, not grown-ass women who are supposed to be effecting change. Stop it.
After Miz TV and the aggressively unwatchable Divas talky segment from last week’s Smackdown, this backstage vignette was a comparative step in the right direction. It was shorter for one. It didn’t completely poison the crowd to the following match. There were also hints of an actual storyline brewing. Unfortunately, that storyline is “Wily masters of manipulation The Bellas break up Team PCB by sewing the seeds of jealousy,” so [long deep sigh].
Best: Sometimes Brevity Works
If there’s one thing I’m going to miss about the Summer of Jimmy Uso Commentary, it’s his bizarre, squirmy awkwardness when forced to call his wife’s matches. Somehow, he managed to take it a step further here – Naomi and Team BAD were doing guest commentary, and Jimmy just straight-up left. Where did he even go? Was he hiding under the ring?
This match wasn’t particularly long, around four minutes, and ended kind of abruptly when Charlotte pinned Brie with Charlotte’s Web, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Ever since #GiveDivasaChance, there’s been a hangup on giving the women more time above all else, so WWE keeps giving us these 10 to 15-minute multi-woman tag matches, but shorter matches have their place too. The men don’t work 15-minute matches every time out, and most NXT women’s matches are in the three to four-minute range. The lengthy NXT Women’s title matches everybody loves are special events. As long as matches aren’t treated like filler, they shouldn’t feel like filler, even if they’re brief, and this match felt substantial enough. A vibrant women’s division will have a variety of different match types and lengths.
Worst: Half Of A Good Segment
Hey, John Q. Wrestling Fan, did you miss the biggest Raw angle of the year? Well, don’t worry, here’s Seth Rollins to introduce clips of Sting coming out of his box on Raw, then describe, in excruciating detail, Sting coming out of his box on Raw. And hey, while he’s at it, Rollins is going to recap his entire recent career as well. Why not? Rollins then vows to destroy “The Artifact, Sting” (heh, okay, good line) and that was that.
This felt like the first half of a Raw segment in which Sting might actually come out and do something, but this is Smackdown, so Sting and things happening were off the table. Rollins was just, “Sting returned on Raw, and I’m going to DESTROY HIM and, uh, well, that’s it I guess. Bye.” At least they didn’t start the show with it.
Worst: Jojo’s Parents Need to Come Pick Her Up
Did they dig a hole for Jojo to stand in while doing this interview? I know Mojo Jojo’s a freakin’ Polly Pocket, but Sheamus is supposed to be 6-foot-4 and he appears to be about two-and-a-half feet taller than Jojo here. Maybe the Mohawk is deceptive. At one point, Sheamus asks Jojo if she knows what holding the Money in the Bank briefcase means, and she appears to legitimately not know. After Sheamus gets done yelling about how he’s going to be World Heavyweight Champion, Jojo’s expression can best be described as, “Uhwhuh? How did I get here?” Jojo doesn’t like this WWE camp anymore and wants to go home.
Worst: Dolph Ziggler & Ryback vs. Rusev & The A-Team Van
Congratulations, Jimmy Uso, after an entire summer on commentary, you finally made me chuckle by comparing Big Show’s singlet to the A-Team van. Job well done, now please retire from announcing forever.
Unsurprisingly, this match featuring the four least likable and/or most directionless men in the WWE didn’t light my world on fire. Apparently, Big Show’s new thing is that can’t get along with anybody. Heels, faces, whoever. If Big Show has to spend more than five minutes with you, he is going to end up punching you in the face. In order to set up Big Show turning on and punching Rusev, they had to have Rusev act like a jerk, which didn’t feel true to character. As we’ve established thoroughly around these parts, Rusev is actually a good guy, particularly between the ropes. He plays by the rules, wins fair and square and usually doesn’t even use his gorgeous girlfriend-managers for distraction purposes. So, Rusev stealing tags, being a butthole and refusing to let Show back into the match felt off. Rusev is all business. He’d never let ego get in the way of winning a match. But Rusev did just that, got clobbered in the side of the head by Show (which he sold like a king) and pinned by Ziggler. If you can’t trust the A-Team van anymore, what can you trust?
Best: Where Did This Come From?
So, the main-event of Smackdown was Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus for, uh, some reason? Needless to say, I was not thrilled by the prospect of the two most formulaic, stuck-in-a-rut guys in WWE having a match, but much to my surprise, this was pretty damn good.
This was the hard-hitting affair Sheamus and Dean Ambrose matches can and should be, but rarely are these days. Parts of it were a bit rough around the edges, but dudes belting the crap out of each other makes up for a lot. The early-going was some nice back-and-forth stuff, but the match really took off about halfway through when Sheamus went for the ol’ Beats of the Bodhran. After hitting Ambrose a few times in the chest, Sheamus just walloped him in the side of the head, then punched him in the face. Ambrose then came back with his own version of the the Beats, that actually looked better than Sheamus’. From that point on, things got particularly uncivilized. Unfortunately, just as Sheamus was turning a lovely shade of pink (a sure sign of a good Sheamus match), the lights went out…
Best: Stowman Competition
… and when they came back up, the Wyatts were surrounding the ring. This is course led to a quick distraction Brogue Kick and victory for Sheamus. The Wyatts started to close in, but, thankfully, that wily Roman Reigns tricked the tricksters by running down the ramp like a normal person. Obviously, nobody could have seen that coming, so he got the drop on Luke Harper, but then it was time to face off against Hans Stowman.
I’m sure I’m going to hate Braun Stowman Argument as soon as I’m forced to watch him do something for more than 30 seconds, but for now, I’m enjoying him as this indestructible golem capable of turning some of WWE’s most overpowered heroes into rag dolls with a quick hug around the neck. Also, his name is really, really stupid. You’ve gotta enjoy things ironically while you can.
