The Aces And Ehs Of Impact Wrestling 1/11/18: Settle For Me

Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. You’ve probably realized this by now, but I’m a weak human being, and I’ve got so many Impact Wrestling spoilers on my brain it’s amazing I haven’t actively ranted — because with Impact, you know there’s bound to be some ranting by ya girl. But until then, we’re here, with an episode that appears to only exist as set-up for next week’s episode (the last of the old batch of tapings). And putting Dan Lambert over, of course.

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Previously: Ugh.

EH: Put Yourself First

I’d say this is now bordering on self-parody, but this storyline reached that when it revealed it didn’t know what “unconditional release” meant. Honestly, at least we got King Mo clocking Moose at ATT HQ and John Hartnett out of all of this.

An opening video package of all the greatest hits of the previous Impact episode is great. A video package of all those great hits, leading to Dan Lambert being the only one to speak about his particular hit, is par from the damn course. Meaning the official kick-off to the show (right into the opening titles, if you will) is Dan Lambert.

Again. The problem isn’t showing The Assassination of James Storm by the Coward Dan Lambert in this video package; it’s that Dan Lambert gets the last (and only) word here, despite there also being moments from Ishimori and LAX winning championships. Dan Lambert is not a wrestler. He’s not a member (not even in terms of the ~global reach~) of the Impact roster. Yet he gets more screen, promo, and character time than pretty much anyone on the roster. That’s the type of “history repeating” for which Impact Wrestling is known, y’all.

EH: I Feel Like This Isn’t About Me

I’m still not sold on KM, but I’m at least aware enough to realize this story isn’t quite doing its best to make him look like a competent or true threat. I also understand the heel logistics of Dan Lambert interfering to help KM get the pin on Eddie Edwards in the main event … on the micro level. But on the macro level, this storyline that should be making KM is doing no such thing.

The biggest problem is what I mentioned in my previous piece, which is that this storyline has done more harm than good by not making KM’s beer bottle shot to Storm the killing blow. Because now that we’re a week removed from that, you have:

• commentary saying KM is “gloating to anyone who will listen that he is the man that put James Storm out of wrestling”
• Dan Lambert saying KM did “what not even Bobby Lashley could do,” since he “put down James Storm”
• and KM himself saying he “helped Dan Lambert retire James Storm”

Yet it’s not just a point of “Don’t Call Me A Liar” character work: With the exception of KM (who’s actually telling the thing closest to the truth) they’re acting as though KM actually was instrumental in the win, despite the fact it was actually King Mo and Colby Covington’s Con-Beer-To that did the trick. You know, two guys who are not part of the company and have nothing to gain by being responsible for sending James Storm out of Impact Wrestling.

So I guess that means an ACE to KM for being the only one who pays attention to this story, even though it’s a story where he’s hindered from getting the heat he deserves.

Oh, and Lashley may or may not have feelings about this. Don’t worry: This storyline is totally going to have a satisfying conclusion, and Lashley will definitely stick around in Impact Wrestling for many satisfying years to come.

EH: You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)

Eddie Edwards comes out to make the save to Moose (who reminds us he’s stupid for a living, going into another “numbers game” situation without back-up), who’s not even in danger of losing his livelihood. I knew Team Impact meant nothing.

EH: Remember That We Suffered

Josh Mathews is officially back to obnoxious heel again with this episode, even though he’s not back to peak intolerable heel levels. The only ACE is that they stopped adding his company VP status in his chyron.

ACE: I’m a Good Person

It’s amazing how EC3 can basically sleepwalk through cutting a promo about such a nothing championship (and Matt Sydal) and still cut a damn good promo. He can also get a Canadian woman to shout “Hell no!” — in the tone of “Aww, hell no!” without saying “Aww,” for some strange Canadian reason — just by pulling out the cheap local sports team heat. He even asks the crowd, “Are you mad at me now? Are you upset? Do you want to see me get beat up now?” He takes so much glee in being an unrepentant asshole, doesn’t he? Maybe he should join American Top Team; he and Dan Lambert both call the crowd out for the expected responses, after all.

ACE: Fit Hot Guys Have Problems Too

As for the actual Open Challenge match, it’s a pretty good showing for both men. Especially since it’s non-title match, meaning it’s not under Grand Championship rules. Again, we have Petey Williams taking a heavyweight competitor to the limit, though I am curious to see if he will ever reap the benefits of doing that? Will we see Global Champion Petey Williams? Will we even see X-Division Champion Petey Williams? Probably not, which is why I’m really curious to see how or even if Williams will continue to work in the company. They’re making sure to keep him strong in losses or not even really lose at all, but where do you go from that? He’s showing he can hang and look good with the big boys, but he’s obviously not one of the big boys.

EH: I’m The Villain In My Own Story

Matt. Sydal. Is. A. Crazy. Person. He’s also a dick, to the point where it’s unfortunate Petey Williams doesn’t call him out for that one. Part of me thinks my frustration with this storyline is just the waiting for it all to be over. Because even if you don’t actually know what’s going to happen in reboot No. ???, you still know. The other part of me realizes with complete certainty that Matt Sydal is such a spoiled brat in this storyline that he makes meta heel EC3 the face by default. Again, Matt Sydal is a choke artist who resorts to getting the rules changed so he can win a championship he’s clearly not suited to go after.

Sydal decides to jump EC3 during a moment in the match where Petey Williams is vulnerable. EC3 doesn’t even get a chance to exploit that vulnerability — you know, a chance to do the heel thing that would explain the follow-up — before Sydal jumps him from behind, causing him to win by DQ. JB says this means Sydal “wants to send a direct message, in caps, to EC3.” Then why didn’t he beat EC3 up during the pre-match promo when EC3 kept going on about how he was a choke artist? Or why didn’t he accept the OPEN challenge?

Then he cuts this atrocious promo. I’m genuinely surprised he didn’t mention being a phoenix rising from the ashes as point during this — after possibly saying, “Oh. I didn’t see you there.” — because that’s how bad it is. Because I don’t expect everyone to watch the video, here’s how the promo starts (you can imagine Sydal’s delivery):

“Exactly what you is what happened. EC3 called out, and I arrived. I appeared out of thin air and delivered a sweet, sweet message with my feet. You do not call me out. You do not make fun of me on TV, without RE-PER-CUSSIONS.”

Except, EC3 has been doing that without repercussions and continued to do so here until Sydal decided to be a weasel. The only thing Sydal really hits the mark on is calling EC3 “cookie cutter,” which I mean… I love him, but if you just saw EC3, saw him wrestle, and knew nothing about his character, you’d say the same thing. Also, Matt Sydal of course calls for no judges, no time limit, no anything that makes the Grand Championship the Grand Championship.

Look, I don’t like the Grand Championship and its convoluted rules. But the face trying to get the title shouldn’t be calling out how stupid it is too. He especially shouldn’t be trying to win the stupid championship without following the actual rules of it, because that’s what the heel should be doing. I know this is all just a means to an end; no, I don’t consider Don Callis openly calling the Grand Championship out for being a useless “prop” a spoiler. We all know this is the beginning of the end for this “championship.” But that doesn’t make Sydal’s approach in this feud any better.

EH: You Stupid Bitch

The previous week wasn’t an anomaly: Impact Wrestling has just decided to show full pre-match segments and matches in these weekly GWN flashbacks. There’s probably also something to read into the fact that this particular flashback is James Storm winning the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. So much so that I can’t even go into a typical amused aside about the “WRESTLING MATTERS” era of TNA. Okay, maybe an amused aside about memories of long-haired Kazarian. Wait, no.

The point is, Impact Wrestling really needs to find a way to fill time with actual new content. And maybe they should also keep James Storm’s name out of their mouth, since these two weeks in a row feel like a slap in his face for leaving. They didn’t have to show the part of the post-match promo where James Storm talks about how he’s “here to stay” — by the way, every wrestler and commentator in this flashback has left the company — in TNA.

EH: This Is My Movement

There is no understandable reason as to why KC Spinelli has an evenly contested “match” with Laurel Van Ness, the Knockouts Champion. Spinelli has just to have an established (or even competently explained) character or motivation and she and Laurel are both heels (though the crowd obviously focuses their cheers on Laurel). Yet we get this, a slow display of wrestling moves — did you know KC Spinelli is strong? — masquerading as a match.

Then Allie comes out afterwards to get revenge for last week, and the crowd is so silent you’d think they’ve never seen Allie before. So a lack of success all around.

ACE: Face Your Fears

While the Allie run-in gets no reaction — which truly is ridiculous — I want to applaud her interview with McKenzie Mitchell earlier in the show. Especially when it comes to her delivery, where she’s clearly angry but she pauses to get back into her natural Allie state of resolve. You can also tell the nerves are there for the character, but at the same time, she has her “I can do it.” face. You can do it, Allie. It’s your time!

And I know I’ve just been using the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend framing device without addressing it, but I feel like in this case, “Face Your Fears” is an appropriate theme song for Allie:

EH: We’ll Never Have Problems Again

Oh look, Alberto El Patron cuts a very clearly face promo in this segment. Perro, Sí, the John Cena approach of “You haven’t really beaten me until you beat me (again).” etc. No need to worry about anything. The end to Bound For Glory being a mess was all worth it. It’s good now. See y’all in Detroit.

ACE: Who’s The New Guy?

Jimmy Jacobs steps to the Park cousins, so next week, it’s Kongo Kong vs. Chandler Park. Not much to it, but there doesn’t always need to be much to it. By the way, how did Petey Williams escape Kongo Kong’s grasp all those weeks ago?

The only EH here, however, is how it sets up the inevitable return of Abyss. Let the character die and stay dead. Please. Again, did we learn nothing from Bound For Glory? Do we learn nothing from Kane on a weekly basis?

EH: Don’t Settle For Me

How is broken Garza Jr. in this match instead of Ishimori? How is broken Garza Jr. in any match? Because there’s no reason anyone in his matches wouldn’t go after the bad arm. Considering it’s actually a bad arm, he shouldn’t even being in this match. And yet he’s the one who gets the hot tag.

ALSO: “Dezmond’s a special kind of athlete, but it’s what have you done for me lately when it comes to Dezmond Xavier.” Besides that just being a poorly-constructed sentence from Josh Mathews, it’s one of those “UGH” moments where I — a normal person — yell at my television screen.

ACE: After Everything I’ve Done For You (That You Didn’t Ask For)

I appreciate that Lashley tries to tell KM about how he’s got to “stay on him,” with regards to Eddie Edwards. Remember: Eddie Edwards is famously the Lashley slayer. If anything, KM should have done to exact opposite of what Lashley had to say when it came to ol’ EE.

EH: His Status Is … Preferred

Eddie Edwards lost the GHC Championship nearly an actual month ago, but commentary keeps calling him the champion here. Of course, because of the taping schedules, he wasn’t going to bring the championship to the ring with him (because of reasons like this) — even though it would technically make sense for a champion they keep hyping to bring said championship. Like I’ve said before, I love Eddie, but you know something’s wrong when your only characterization is “guy in our company who has an important championship and role in another company.” And now he doesn’t even have that important championship.

ACE: Feelin’ Kinda Naughty

Since getting Sami Callihan involved, oVe have apparently learned that the point of infiltrating someone’s base of operations is to mess it up, not be respectful of their surroundings. (I’m still trying to wrap my head around the entire oVe/Tijuana saga, y’all.)

So oVe trashes the clubhouses, takes LAX’s money and flags, and then LAX declares that they’re going back to their own roots of being “the ambassadors of violence.” You know, it’s kind of like The Welcoming Committee, but no one thinks they’re a cat. At least, no one on the LAX side. Also, we’re all in agreement Natalya thinks she’s a cat, right?

This proclamation of war will be fulfilled next week in Barbed Wire Massacre, a match I’ll probably be watching with my hands over my eyes. Though I think this might now fall under supplemental programming I’m not obligated to watch… Konnan announced on Twitter that Pop TV deemed the match too violent to air, and Impact Wrestling has confirmed it as well:

I assume someone at Impact Wrestling tried to fight Pop TV on this, perhaps telling them that people in glass houses (meaning, people who air terrible, terrible Julia Roberts marathons) shouldn’t throw stones, but then it clearly didn’t help things at all. I am curious, however, to see how well this Twitch experiment works for Impact, especially since this feels less “LOLTNA” and more like a genuinely intriguing approach to the situation. The match is essentially too hot for TV, even though it will air on international airings of the show. That’s probably the actual coolest thing oVe has ever done. Somebody get these men some Pepsi Blue!

Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap, because otherwise I won’t be able to keep these up. Also comment, because I actually love reading comments. (Crazy, right?) And despite frustrations, I’m really looking forward to see how things shake out when the new tapings start airing.