Previously on the Ins and Outs of AEW Dynamite: Jake Roberts reminded Brandi Rhodes why they call him “The Snake,” we plotted out Cody’s secret evilness, and Kenny Omega did a damn moonsault off a scissor lift.
And now, the Ins and Outs of All Elite Wrestling Dynamite for May 13, 2020.
Mostly In: Stone Code
On this week’s episode of AEW Dynamite, Cody Rhodes goes full Stone Cold Steve Austin by (1) driving a custom truck into the arena to stomp a mudhole in somebody’s ass — if you want to see Cody Rhodes stomp a mudhole in somebody’s ass, gimme a hell yeah — and by (2) being part of a championship match on pay-per-view with Mike Tyson handling the ceremonies. Not a fan of Tyson or the entire Mike Tyson “thing,” but maybe if you combine his tattoo and Cody’s it tells you the location of the Declaration of Independence.
Jake Roberts is wonderfully corrupt here, cutting a promo about how Brandi Rhodes deserved to have a snake briefly crawl on her because women are better off at home, and I quote, “wiping babies butts … diapering them.” He also directly states that watching Lance Archer wrestle gives him a boner, which makes me wonder if carrying around a snake in a bag and being untrustworthy is why they actually call him, “The Snake.” I also liked that in theory Cody would recklessly drive his cool truck into the arena and like, crawl out onto the hood so he could take a running dive into the ring onto Archer, but in practice, Cody’s just gently bumping a security railing and then getting out while ostensibly still in the back for the fight.
I feel like Cody could’ve just gotten out of the truck in the parking lot and walked around that barricade and it would’ve done the same thing. It’s dramatic, though, and dramatic’s the point. I like that Cody was actually pissed and wanted to just show up and fight this dude for helping humiliate his wife instead of, I don’t know, going to the ring at the top of the show to recap the past few Dynamites for the benefit of no crowd.
All In: The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My (Best) Friend
The opening match of the night pits a duo of best friends who hang out with a weird third wheel and might get randomly attacked by sociopaths taking on a duo of best friends who hang out with a weird third wheel and might get randomly attacked by a sociopath. One of the teams has a dinosaur. It’s fun when you’re running concurrent outside interference finishes, though. It becomes a game of which side can benefit the most from disadvantageous cheating.
Orange Cassidy’s doing his Orange Cassidy thing, helping out and being tranquilo, when Rey Fénix pops in from quarantined oblivion and karate kicks him in the fucking pineal gland. It looks like the Best Friends are going to fall victim to the damned numbers game, but MJF, scheduled to face Jungle Boy at Double or Nothing, runs interference on the Express. He sneaks up behind “Jungle Jack Perry” (™ Jim Ross), shoves him into the post, and rolls him back into the ring. Chuck Taylor was definitely looking right at this but isn’t above taking a short cut to win a match — F.I.S.T. forever — so he Awfully Waffles Jungle Jack to win the match.
After the match, Luchasaurus discovers that Wardlow & Associates has beaten up Mark Stunt, because the AEW roster lined up by height for the chance to bludgeon this kid and they’re working their way down.
It turns out Wardlow’s just beating up Marko for a friend, as he’s given his spot in the Marko murder lottery to someone at the BOTTOM of the height chart, MJF. Maxwell’s going to make an example out of Marko next week, which should work well in tandem with his attack on Jungle Boy to give the MJF and Jungle Jack pay-per-view match some spice. I think the AEW equivalent to, “Is Cate Blanchett actually good or is she just tall?” is, “is MJF actually good or is he just loud?” Should be fun. I wonder if Marko’s ever going to stop being the sacrificial lamb and show up to work with a switchblade?
These two matches set up Orange Cassidy vs. Fénix and MJF vs. Marko Stunt for next week, revitalized Death Triangle’s on-hold beef with the Best Friends, and added heat to the upcoming MJF/Jungle Boy match. Compare and contrast that with Raw, who had their top tag title challengers pretend to suck at funny basketball.
All In: Hikaru Keeps It Simple And Clean
My favorite match of the week was probably the women’s division fatal four-way, with Hikaru Shida pinning Penelope Ford and thereby also defeating Britt Baker and Kris Statlander to send a message to Nyla Rose and build momentum for a no count-out, no disqualification match at Double or Nothing. Everyone got time to shine, and while it wasn’t perfect — more on that in a second — it was 10 and a half minutes of action and good character moments, such as Dr. Britt throwing the match so she can do invasive dental work on the alien who didn’t appreciate her nose-booping, and Penelope Ford being too horny to win matches. Hoping Shida manages to unseat Nyla at Double or Nothing, mostly because of how folks shouldn’t be licking their hands as a wrestling taunt and then touching people during a global pandemic. That’s mostly a joke.
A Night Of (Almost) Broken Necks
Last night’s Dynamite was sponsored by Necks™. Need something to break? Try Necks™!
The first dangerous moment came during the women’s fatal four-way, when Penelope Ford tried to hit Kris Statlander with a poisoned rana. It looks like Statlander either flipped too early, lost her grip on Ford’s feet, or maybe Ford just bent back at the wrong angle or something because Statlander backflips directly onto the top of her own head. Here it is in slow motion GIF form. It’s like an assisted version of Christopher Daniels hurting himself on Nitro.
Then, because his pants are completely full of crazy, Sammy Guevara decides to sell a Twist of Fate with a full-on headstand.
At least that one happened on purpose. Be careful with your necks! Health care’s already terrifying enough right now as it is!
Oh My God, You Killed Vanguard-1, YOU BASTARDS
Matt Hardy gets a measure of revenge on the Inner Circle by teaming up with Kenny Omega to defeat Proud and Powerful at the end of the night, but he’ll be forever scarred by what happens afterward: the tragic and unforgivable on-screen murder of sentient drone Vanguard-1 by the Inner Circle, Office Space-style.
It starts with Chris Jericho, wearing a “Pineapple Pete” t-shirt, easily defeating Pineapple Pete with the Judas Effect. Every time someone on commentary mentions a fan or wrestler in the crowd, they should have to fight them. I want to see if Tom Phillips could take Brock Lesnar Guy.
Anyway, Jericho offers up a non-blood and non-guts-related challenge to The Elite: face the Inner Circle in a STADIUM STAMPEDE match, this spring. It’s almost like some sort of … spring Stampede. Involving a couple of guys from Winnipeg! So maybe it’s a Canadian Stampede? What a nice surprise on the same night In Your House returns as a concept. Vanguard-1 foolishly flies in to accept on The Elite’s behalf, as their official spokesperon is now a toy that learned to dream and feel, and Jericho beats it to death with a baseball bat. Talk shit get hit, you glorified Flutterbye Fairy.
My favorite part is Jake Hager draping the tiny Inner Circle t-shirt over Vanguard-1 like he’s a dead body, and the entire team getting down into a broken camera with propellers’ face to trash talk it. Wrestling is deeply, fantastically weird. COVID-19 took us from War Games to a quest to avenge the death of a quadcopter, but they’re making it work.
All In: Bro Down
Dark Order truther Christopher Daniels comes face to face with the man he thought didn’t exist, The Exalted One, gets his finisher buried with a one-count kickout, and gets his head taken off (figuratively, which I feel the need to add during this era of on-screen kayfabe wrestling deaths) with a discus lariat. It’s a nice callback to the feud that was probably going to happen before the world got fractured, and Daniels does everything in his playbook to make Brodie Lee look as indomitable as possible. This all sets up Jon Moxley arriving to try to get back his stolen AEW World Championship, but being unable to do so because Brodie’s got an entire multilevel marketing scheme full of dorks in masks. Next week Moxley will have to face “10,” who is the enemy that shows up when you’ve gone through two stages of Dark Order cronies and need a visual indicator that they’re getting harder.
Moxley’s gone from Jericho to Jack Swagger to Luke Harper. I hope his next three feuds are against Matt Hardy, Shawn Spears, and Dustin Rhodes. Maybe by then Erick Rowan and No Way Jose will be over here with monster gimmicks. This is meant to be sarcastic but none of this is a bad idea.
All In: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Insisting on being called AEW champion without earning it is the kind of Incel entitlement that’s perfectly on brand for the Dark Order
Mox storming in like a Chad to beat up the entire AV club
I don’t want, I NEED Broken Matt Hardy throwing a bunch of smashed drone bits into a lake ASAP
I just want Brodie Lee to show up with a new 7 foot tall creeper with a giant red beard sticking out of his mask & nobody to address it
more like vanguard done amirite
Schiavone might be commentating with Excalibur but you know he’s thinking about Jericho the whole time.
And thus begun Drone Whacking day in Florida
Excuse me, I have to go update Jericho’s Wikipedia to note that he once committed Technocide.
Luchasaurus, Damascus Hardy and JR are all best friends and in their spare time (when not in quarantine) play shuffleboard, bridge and watch Murder She Wrote. They hate that Country Charm Buffet is closed right now too.
— All Elite Wrestling on TNT (@AEWonTNT) May 14, 2020
That does it for this week’s column. Thanks for reading about Dynamite! Leave us a comment below, give the column a share on social media, and make sure you’re back here next week for the emotional ramifications of drone murder, lucha libre Orange Cassidy, and the latest, critically acclaimed installment of Marko Stunt Gets Put In A Grave. See you then!