Previously on the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro: WCW Slamming Jamboree happened, finally, after like 65 weeks of build. Ric Flair, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Excited IRL My Pet Monster Kevin Greene teamed up to defeat the nWo, which you know will definitely stick and affect the nWo and turn the tide for WCW.
Click here to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network. You can catch up with all the previous episodes on the Best and Worst of Nitro tag page.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro for May 19, 1997.
Worst: The Four Horsemen Are Dead And Stupid, An “As The Haliburton Turns” Production
This week’s episode begins with Syxx hilariously claiming that the “wrong man” was in the ring last night, meaning WCW didn’t actually win at Slamboree. Keep in mind that the finish of the match was Greene powerslamming Syxx and pinning him while Scott Hall was passed out in a figure-four and Kevin Nash was passed out in a sleeper with a homophobic polystyrene ghoul around his neck.
Ric Flair threatens once again to kick Syxx’s “flyweight ass,” which would have more impact if they weren’t more or less the same size. But the match is on: Ric Flair will face Syxx tonight in this very ring, in one of the greatest moments in the history of our sport, and it’s absolutely not an New World Order trap. Nothing is more guaranteed to end cleanly than a Nitro main event featuring one member of the nWo!
So later in the episode, Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael and ‘King of the Mounting’ Jeff Jarrett team up to face the Steiner Brothers. Mongo wins after countering Red Ink into a Sling Blade, hitting a wrist-clutch Twist and Shout and nailing two consecutive High Fly Flows to put away Rick. Just kidding, they lose because they’re stupid about briefcases and football guys.
Jeff Jarrett has the chance to hit Rick Steiner with the Haliburton, but Mean Kevin Greene jogs out to stop him. Scott is able to pull Jarrett out of the ring, causing him to drop the briefcase, and Greene picks it up and whacks Mongo to put him away. If you’ll recall, Mongo turned on Greene and hit HIM with the briefcase a year ago, turning Mongo Horseman and sparking their rivalry. You may also recall that Greene has spent the entire past month and change teaming up with Ric Flair, the guy who gave the briefcase TO Mongo and ordered him to turn on Greene. That was fine, apparently, but now Mongo’s gots to pay.
After the match, Mongo and Greene get into a fight in the locker room and are escorted out of the building. Jarrett and Debra get escorted out, too, because Mongo has the bowl everyone put their keys into and they’ve got to get home.
This doesn’t end well for Flair. With (1) Mongo, Jarrett and Greene thrown out of the building for fighting, (2) Chris Benoit figuratively dead from the Death Match against Meng at Slamboree and (3) Rowdy Roddy Piper being a terrible friend, the nWo realizes nobody would show up to help Flair if they, say, interrupted his match with Syxx like 40 seconds in and beat the shit out of him. So that’s what happens. They “nWo Drop” Flair and taunt him amidst a hail of overpriced arena garbage, promising to do the same to Piper the next time he shows up. Look how much the loss at Slamboree demoralized and affected these guys!
Worst: Inviting The nWo Back Into The Fold
WCW’s other plan to neutralize the nWo (besides “pinning them once”) was to invalidate the contracts of the group’s least important members. Big Bubba and M. “V.K.” Wallstreet were ordered to return to WCW and stop wearing the nWo colors. That’ll show ’em! What’re you gonna do without BIG BUBBA? How could you POSSIBLY hope to get that Dungeon of Doom shine?
Wallstreet decides to protest this by wearing a t-shirt with an interdictory circle around a WCW logo on it. Yes, the Ghostbusters “no” sign is called an “interdictory circle.” The best part is that Wallstreet is like, YOU SAY WE CAN’T WEAR NWO COLORS, WELL HERE’S WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT, and his fucking WCW shirt is black and white. J.J. Dillon is really cracking down.
Wallstreet wrestles Scotty Riggs — did I sense some millennial ears perking up? — with Nick Patrick as the referee. According to a pre-taped announcement from Dillon (that’s shown twice, once before and once after a commercial break, because nobody’s paying attention), Patrick’s actions at Slamboree and his pre-nWo record has earned him a second chance and a reinstatement. Nobody gets more officially reinstated than a referee, am I right folks?
Patrick uses this power to ruthlessly cheat to help Riggs win, because in wrestling you’re only an asshole if you’re doing unfair shit to popular people. The highlight of this, surprisingly, comes from Larry Zbyszko.
“Wrestling combines the two worst features of American life; physical brutality punctuated by committee meetings.”
Best: Bobby Heenan
Lee Marshall calls in from Nashville with a parody of ‘Heartbreak Hotel,’ predating The Rock by 2 1/2 years. Just think, in a better world Lee Marshall is the biggest international box office movie star in the world. Anyway, it goes like this:
“Well since my baby left me, I’ve found a new place to dwell … the service reeks, the toilet leaks it’s … wea-sel ho-tel!”
Bobby Heenan’s response:
WRONG GUY’S IN THE GROUND. I love that this has gone on so long that it’s turned into Lee saying, “you’re like a weasel” and Heenan saying, “I wish you were dead.”
Best: Lord Expectations
New Television Champion Steven Regal has his first defense against Prince Iaukea, the ersatz Rocky Maivia that upset him and managed to hold onto the belt for what felt like an eternity. Regal has a newfound confidence and swagger, dropping the “Lord” from his name to show that he’s seriously business. He also shows he’s serious business by TROUNCING the Prince, dropping him on his face several times, punting him in the jaw and doing that boss Regal Stretch with the palm strikes to the nose. When Prince taps out, Regal SPITS ON HIS BACK, which is probably the rudest place to spit on someone.
Best: Chono He Didn’t
After that, Dave Taylor — who may or may not still be a squire, I don’t know how his title is altered by Regal’s dismissal of Lordship — faces a returning Masa “My Hero” Chono. Chono became the first international nWo star back in December, meaning he’s a Japanese guy who owns an nWo shirt but never interacts with anyone else from the group. He murks Taylor, tapping him out to an STF.
After the match, Sonny Onoo cuts a promo about how next week he’s getting his revenge on Chono by bringing in his “worst nightmare.” Chono demands to know who it is, but Onoo says he’s not gonna say anything because he wants Chono to sweat. Spoiler alert: Onoo’s mystery opponent is GREAT, but it probably would’ve been a good idea to see which guys in Japan had recently placed a Pro Wrestling Tees order. Just saying.
Best: A Polite Southern Child Is Giving Away A Racecar
Somewhere between Flair threatening Syxx and getting beaten up by the Wolfpac, he escorts Smurf-sized NASCAR driver Mark Martin out to announce that they’ll be giving away a Valvoline racecar. I swear, one of these days I’m going to go through this company’s financial archives and find out what happened to all these vehicles they gave away. I want to know if 20 years later some accountant drives to work in a Valvoline racecar he won from Ric Flair. That’s the dream.
Best: Sting Ring, Do Your Thing
Because Flair and Syxx lasts about a minute, the actual main-event of the show is another Eric Bischoff promo where he spends 10 minutes talking about how he’d kick Sting’s ass, only for Sting to show up and drop him with one move. Here, Sting climbs up through the ring like so much Undertaker and Scorpion Death Drops Bischoff. It’s cool, but that’s it.
And that’s the show. Thankfully this is the last of the one-hour NBA Playoff pre-show episodes and we’re no longer building to goddamn Slamboree, so next week things are back to normal. We’re back to two hours, we’ve got room on the show for everyone and hey, even Hollywood Hogan is here! What a treat!
See you next week, and good luck winning that racecar.
