Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE NXT: Sami Zayn and Samoa Joe decided who would be the new #1 contender to the NXT Championship by wrestling for 45 minutes. That was the entire show! They promised Asuka and Bayley being there and a Vaudevillains vs. American Alpha match, so that’s this week’s show. This week is a bump!
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE NXT for March 16, 2016.
Best: !!!
First of all, holy sh*t, it’s Shinsuke Nakamura.
Second of all, holy f*cking sh*t.
As a reward for being a “proud papa” of NXT but not the #1 contender, William Regal goes full Tyler Breeze and gives Sami Zayn a top international opponent for TakeOver: Dallas. That turns out to be The King Of Strong Style, who cuts a short (but good!) promo in English via Facetime with cheesy static graphics. If you want to know how happy this makes people, the crowd starts chanting HOLY SH*T at a video.
I’ll save my big dramatic intro for when he actually wrestles, but Nak is easily the biggest “get” in NXT history. Also, I don’t think it’s even hyperbole to point out that TakeOver: Dallas is one of the dopest NXT (or WWE) cards we’ve ever seen. Are you serious with that card? Finn Bálor vs. Samoa Joe, Bayley vs. Asuka, American Alpha challenging for the Tag Team Championship, Baron Corbin throwing a child-sized man into the sun, and now Sami Zayn vs. Shinsuke Nakamura. That’s a dream match. I’m just worried about Sami, because dude, if wrestling The Miz makes you breathe heavy and make anime snot bubbles, Nak’s gonna knee your skull out through your butt.
Lightning Round
Normally I wouldn’t do the Lightning Round gimmick with a 1-hour show, but this week’s episode is full of flotsam and jetsam and up against the best episode of Lucha Underground ever on the week they ran a live show in my hometown. Dallas is going to be sick, so don’t worry about my general levels of enthusiasm. Speaking of “general levels of enthusiasm:”
– The Hype Bros won a jobber squash against Angelo Dawkins, my least favorite NXT enhancement talent, and Kenneth Crawford. Crawford is a former Marine, so I wonder what it he thinks about teaming with a former backpacking Ninja Turtle whose gimmick is “headbands” against a guy still coasting on a YouTube series that ended years ago and his friend, Rob Gronkowski’s second Zaphod Beeblebrox head. In all seriousness, I really do like the Hype Bros a lot right now for a variety of reasons. I was looking at my phone for most of this, but when Mojo yelled HE AIN’T HYPE, I responded (in real life, out-loud) with a deadpan, “he ain’t hype” each time, without looking up. Me and Mojo got a connection.
– Emma defeated Deonna Purrazzo. The highlight of this for me was the backstage promo. Emma’s got a ton of character charisma and Dana Brooke is so bizarre looking/acting that it’s impossible to look away, and then Deonna cuts a promo that would sound embarrassing coming out of someone on WOW: Women Of Wrestling 15 years ago. Just real bad. Emma laughs at her and we’re supposed to think it’s Emma being a rude heel, but it comes across (to me) like Emma straight-up laughing in this girl’s face for not being better at wrestling stuff.
Also of note: Deonna has “DP” on her butt, which is … probably not the most well-thought-out gear decision on the show.
– Austin Aries thinks he’s people.
– Tommaso Ciampa defeated Jesse Sorensen. See what I mean? Jetsam defeats Flotsam with his floatover bridging armbar, which is still pretty cool looking but not totally necessary. It’s not a bad match — Sorensen is a lot better than he used to be, but he’s still just a smaller, blaze orange Randy Orton — but only seems to be here as a reminder that we should take Ciampa seriously, even if we don’t believe he’s gonna beat anybody important.
Best: Eva Marie And Asuka, Blood (Red) Rivals
There’s a real circus sideshow thing happening every time Asuka’s in the ring with Eva Marie. I legitimately love it. Eva’s in that sweet spot where she’s honestly a pretty competent wrestler who understands her role on the show, but is still actually bad enough to get booed for it. Having her throw forearms to f*cking KANA and slap her while she’s on the apron is a brilliant understanding of the character, and she deserves all the love in the world for taking those kicks to the chest while being Eva Marie.
Eva and Nia Jax take on Asuka and Bayley, and the booking here is very smart. Asuka’s a force of nature, but Bayley — even super strong, John Cena Bayley — is still all about her brains. She wins by avoiding interference from Jax, who tries to hit her with a leg drop and accidentally squashes Eva. The crowd chants “yes” for that, because sometimes a well-placed sitting down gets a bigger pop than something dangerous. That leads to Bayley dropkicking Nia out of the ring, leaving Eva open for another kick to the back of the head from Asuka, and a Bayley-to-Belly ends it.
As a thank you for them being so awesome, William Regal pops in and makes Bayley vs. Asuka for TakeOver. Here’s how good that’s going to be: it may legitimately be the match of the night on a show featuring Sami Zayn vs. Shinsuke Nakamura. Like, I don’t even doubt it. Bayley shows a little confident fear, and I like that Asuka sorta reverts her back to pre-Crisis Bayley. She’s just standing there breathing all heavy with a sad look on her face, like a deer watching a semi truck get closer and closer.
Best: Holy Crap Chad Gable
I’ll sum up this week’s main for you in one GIF:
Gable is somehow deadlifting Aiden English before he’s even standing up. He just comes out of the roll deadlifting the guy and it doesn’t even look like it requires effort. English is like one of those guns Rob Liefeld forgot to draw and added at the end. Gable is rolling backwards and bridging, the other dude is incidental.
This is the match that makes the inevitable American Alpha rise to the top official for TakeOver: Dallas. I’m sitting here thinking about that card, and there’s so many ways to go in every match. You could have Bayley get a surprise win over Asuka and have Asuka go nuts on her to set up a real heel/face feud. Joe and Finn have wrestled before, and if Joe’s going up to the main roster, Finn could beat him and do the Flair to Steamboat to Funk transition with someone else. There are a lot of options. There’s only one for this tag match: American Alpha wins. If American Alpha doesn’t win in Dallas, it’s like the sun not rising. It’s the most obvious thing in the world, but give these guys that moment. Pull the trigger on them when they’re hot. Don’t turn them into Enzo and Cass, where we have to write a paragraph about how unsuccessful they are every time we write a sentence saying we love them.
Also, if you guys are opening a physical WWE Hall of Fame, put that GIF in it.
