Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE NXT: The Ealy Brothers got wrecked again, Asuka in a sundress happened, and Bobby Roode and Kassius Ohno put on a hell of a match that featured, like, 37 Shinsuke Nakamura cutaways.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE NXT for March 22, 2017.
Best: The Power Of Heisel Compels You
Look, I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but just one week ago, I griped about how the Hulu era of NXT still hadn’t been uploaded to the WWE Network yet. Here we are, one week later, with over 75 episodes of NXT from 2012 and 2013 now available (the first of which just got reviewed by Brandon Stroud, so go read that). Clearly, I alone did this, and you’re all welcome.
Best: Keepin’ It Cien
The episode opens with Oney Lorcan vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas -— the third time the two have squared off on TV in recent months. While the other two matches were good, this one was downright great. The third time’s even more of a charm, I guess? Cien’s getting really good at getting people to boo him, and Oney’s getting really good at making offense look like it really, really hurts, both giving and receiving. Lorcan’s running blockbuster was tight, and those consecutive European uppercuts were even tighter. Be careful, NXT: You might get the guy with the world’s worst ring name over, and then you have to figure out a catchphrase for his inevitable T-shirt. Might I suggest “LORCAN GOOD”?
Almas was just as impressive, laying his stuff in so thick in the match’s finishing sequence that I actually yelled out loud, “Holy shit!” Almas scores the win, as he should, since later in the episode it was announced he will face the debuting Aleister Black at NXT TakeOver: Orlando, and we all know how those matches go. Still, there’s a chance the Almas/Lorcan feud might turn into Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston or Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio in terms of how damn long it runs, but as of right now, I welcome this matchup.
Side note: How long has Almas been wearing an earring? I just noticed it tonight, but man, what a great, subtle way to make you hate him even more. Like, who wears an earring into combat? Rudos, that’s who.
Best: Motivational Speaking
With TakeOver: Orlando less than two weeks away, NXT uses much of this episode to keep their championship storylines moving without much physicality. First, Ciargano recaps their feud with the Revival, their feud with Authors Of Pain and how the two have dovetailed together. They even poke fun at Brandon’s long-running “Hashtag Do It Two Guys” joke, and they throw in a #GLORIOUSBOMB reference well past the meme’s expiration date. It’s simple, effective and once again makes perfectly clear that this pair is as white-meat as babyfaces come.
The Revival’s response is just as effective: Dash and Dawson simply remind everyone that they are the best tag team in the world right now (non-Broken division), and just how hard they worked to go from personality-free jobbers called the Mechanics to the finest tweeners NXT has ever seen.
Best of all? We don’t even get an Authors Of Pain promo. To probably quote Mauro Ranallo in six months, “JUST LIKE THE BEST KIND OF FLATULENCE, THE AUTHORS OF PAIN ARE SILENT BUT DEADLY.”
Best: Squash-ka
Asuka’s TakeOver tuneup match tonight lasted under three minutes, including a 20-second promo — after the bell rings, natch! — where she straight-up says to Ember Moon, “This is your head,” before kicking some poor girl’s face off. (I’m sure she had a name; I’ll go check her tombstone tomorrow to see what it was.) Credit goes to NXT’s writers: They’ve done all they can these past few episodes to make Asuka as mean and cocky as possible, in hopes of tilting crowd response in Ember Moon’s favor.
I do fear, however, that despite creative’s best intentions, that NXT TakeOver crowd is still gonna cheer the shit out of Asuka, because why wouldn’t you cheer someone that dominant? It’s AJ Styles syndrome all over again: Dude’s so good, how can you boo him?
Best: You Take Your Car To Work, I’ll Take My Board
The video package recapping both Bobby Roode and Shinsuke Nakamura’s respective NXT journeys and upcoming rematch was incredibly well done, first catching up with Roode at a place that is definitely not his real house to having him throw out such egotistical bon mots as, “I wear custom-made suits; I wear expensive shoes; I am a superstar,” and labeling himself “the God of NXT.”
But way more importantly, we learn that Shinsuke Nakamura is a surfer! What a random-ass hobby for the two-time NXT champ, but it did wonders to show the differences between Roode’s chest-puffery and Nak’s zen mindset. I’m still not super-stoked on this matchup (Nak/Roode 1 did little for me, outside of the last few minutes), but at least WWE’s video department knows what they’re doing.
Worst: This Is The Feud That Doesn’t End, Yes It Goes On And On My Friend
In our main event, we get Tye Dillinger, No Way Jose and Roddy Strong versus three-fourths of SAniTY: Eric Young, Killian Dain, and, uh … the third guy. Erick Rowan? Yeah, that sounds right. (Hey, it’s not my fault dude is totally unmemorable.) The match is just as unmemorable, with a total garbage double-DQ “they were hitting each other too much!” non-finish that leaves the crowd murmuring in displeasure.
One small Best, though: After Nikki Cross gets involved in the post-match shenanigans, a debuting Ruby Riot (formerly known on the indies as Heidi Lovelace, and 100 percent awesome) runs in to put a hurting on her. However, a small Worst for her rescuing Zack Ryder’s old tights from the dumpster. C’mon, Ruby, you’re better than that.
Next week: Heavy Machinery officially debuts, plus Kassius Ohno vs. Elias Samson in a “Loser Leaves NXT” match. I’ll give you one guess who wins!
